Dangerous “Turtle Gap” Developin’ With Iran

( – promoted by buhdydharma )

America, you need to get scared RIGHT NOW!

As if socialism, Death Panels, and a potty-mouthed Chief-of-Staff weren’t enough to get ya cowerin’ under your ol’ beds there, we got ourselves a frightenin’ new problem:

Iran announced Wednesday it has successfully launched a 10-foot-long research rocket carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms into space – a feat President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said showed Iran could defeat the West in the battle of technology.

Now I don’t have to tell ya what dangers we would face if we start losin’ the turtle race to the Iran.  What’s that? . . . I DO need to explain it? . . . oh, I wasn’t prepared for that . . . but I’ll try!

Imagine a world where Iran has the capability of launchin’ turtles that can reach Israel.  (I’ll pause here while ya change your pants)  This would represent a fundamental change in the balance of power in that region there, requirin’ our military to respond with overwhelming force.  But ya just know Obama would be too wimpy to pull the trigger!  He’s like a point guard that just dribbles around without ever passin’ the ball, until eventually Iran pushes all the other players into the sea.  

Also, Iran launched a mouse and some worms into space, which could have some diabolical purpose too knowin’ the Iranians, but I’m pretty sure they were just somethin’ for the turtles to snack on, dependin’ on what kind of turtles they were:

For example, Map Turtles prefer eating meat, on the other hand the River Cooter’s diet comprises primarily of plants, then the Malayan Box Turtle’s feed should include lots of plants with only a small amount of meat, while the American Box Turtle is an omnivore which eats just about everything, and the Chinese 3-Striped Box Turtle’s diet comprises mostly of meat. Then there is the Red-Eared Slider, which begins by eating worms and bugs, but turns into an omnivore as it matures.

The situation with Iran’s space program could get worse though:

Also Wednesday, Ahmadinejad unveiled a new domestically built light booster rocket, named Simorgh, as well as three Iranian-built satellites – Mesbah-2, Tolo and Navid-e-Elm-o-Sanat – all part of Iran’s observing the National Day of Space Technology.  Officials said the Simorgh rocket can carry a satellite weighing 220 pounds up to 310 miles above the Earth.

The significance of bein’ able to launch 220 pounds into space means that turtles are just the first step – Iran could launch a human (well, other than Roger Ailes) into space.  At first I was worried that Iran might try launchin’ their gays into Israel, but then I was reminded that they don’t have any.  Still, it’s obvious that Ahmadinejad has more on his mind than turtles.

So what are we gonna do about this, America?  Sit back and let a turtle gap develop with Iran?  I don’t think so:

I call on NASA to immediately launch an overconfident hare into space to combat these Iranian turtles.  Since the hare is much faster than the turtle we could rest easy about defendin’ this great country of ours, and safely take a nap during Iran’s next space launch.


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  1. Caribou Barbie

    Be very, very frightened.

  2. Caribou Barbie

    posted at the ‘ol orange there.

  3. AmericanRiverCanyon

    …  because of sticking accelerators.

    Just don’t try to go anywhere anymore.  Your vehicle could be used as a weapon of mass acceleration.

  4. AndyS In Colorado
  5. atheistben

    Full of great references. Awesome.

  6. gotterdammerung

  7. Lasthorseman

    NASA is being outsourced.


  8. Big Tex


  9. Caribou Barbie

    somebody defined turtles as “Weapons of Massively Delicious Soup.”

  10. AndyS In Colorado

    And that would be all French and stuff, making you an imposter just like those funny boys who called you back in October.

  11. Caribou Barbie

    Speakin’ French in my diaries is strictly verboten.  I’ve told people that beaucoup times.

  12. AndyS In Colorado

    I kill me.

  13. davidseth
  14. Caribou Barbie

    Me too!

  15. davidseth
  16. davidseth

    That’s a sea turtle.  A flying sea turtle. I am shocked.

  17. AmericanRiverCanyon

    Ancient Astronauts

    Countless theories attempt to explain the origin of these sightings.  The Tea Party Express Bus Tour-  Immortal.  

  18. Caribou Barbie

    They have a strong anti-France record.  Also I’m makin’ schnitzel und spätzle for dinner tonight.  

  19. Caribou Barbie

    I do my best to avoid the filter of the liberal media elites and bring ya the truly important stories of the day.

  20. Caribou Barbie

    I’ve been terribly worried how Boeing and Lockheed Martin would scrape by in this economy.

  21. davidseth
  22. Compound F
  23. Youffraita

    heh…CB, would you do your fellow bloggers a favor & drop by the pony party & give us your recipe?  I’ve only ever had it in a restaurant.

  24. Youffraita

    The world rests on the back of a giant turtle…

  25. RUKind

    I think Alaska should launch a moose, a caribou and a grizzly bear.

    This Iran combo, is it like trying to get a lion, a goat and a cabbage across a river and you can only take two at a time?

  26. RUKind

    Let’s launch all the RINOs an DINOs. That’ll get things moving. It could be a huge benefit for America and the world.

  27. Youffraita

    opening line of a joke:

    “A moose, a caribou, and a grizzly bear were on the space shuttle…”

    You’re on your own with the lion, goat & cabbage.  (^.^)

  28. Caribou Barbie

    your Pony Party — that looked like fun!

    Makin’ the dough is very easy, but formin’ the noodles is hard to do without a spätzle maker.  I’ve tried to do it the traditional German way, cuttin’ and rollin’ the dough on an inclined board over a pot of water. But it takes at least 3 hands and makes a mess.

  29. Nada Lemming

    this morning, but I pushed pretty hard and it came out just fine.  

  30. Caribou Barbie
  31. Nada Lemming

    Wasilla humor.  

  32. RUKind

    But then again, you’ve never been there. Juneau, the capital of Alaska? Wasiila’s just the meth capital.

    How’s you buddy Rush doing? I think his IQ is his weight divided by the mg of Oxy he takes every day.It usaully evens out at 001. They don’t call him the OxyMoron for the hell of it.

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