Feb 05

Throwball Championship The LI: Falcons v. Patsies

It’s that time of year again when it all comes down to who you hate the most and there’s no team easier to hate than the Patsies. Well, except maybe the ‘Boys.

Sure their vaunted Quarterback is a cheater, a liar, and a non-performer. So is their Head Coach. And their principal owner. They are all also besties with The Donald, as a matter of fact they might be the only A-Listers he can motivate to the White House Correspondents Association Dinner (which shouldn’t exist anyway but I’ll save that argument for April 29th).

Non-performers? Absolutely! Though this is Brady and Belichick’s 7th Super Bowl they have but one paltry win in the last 11 years to show for it.

Ryan crushed Brady for MVP in both voting and stats and while the Patsies are favorites (by only 3) most analysts base it on their Defense which I didn’t find all that impressive during the Playoffs, the Falcons have at least 5 primary offensive weapons and the last team to score more than 30 points against the Patsies (the Seahawks in November) won. The Falcons have scored at least 30 points in every one of the last 6 games they’ve played.

Off the field Throwball skews more Republican than Turn Left Bumper Cars (the good news is that Ecclestone is out, the bad news is that Liberty Media thinks Turn Left Bumper Cars is a role model despite a decade of declining popularity even in the Red Neck South). H.W. will be making the ceremonial coin toss and I suppose I should cut him some slack as being the less horrible Bush and for his recent near death experience, but as far as I’m concerned the man is a War Criminal and Traitor (Iran/Contra anyone?) and can can have a dank cell in Spandau or Hell to eek out the rest of his miserable existence which I hope is a prolonged agony.

Also in attendance will be Mike Pence, another suppurating pustule on the body politic who will fly straight to the game after defending The Donald’s Unconstitutional (Establishment Clause) anti-Islamic bigotry on the Sunday morning gas fests of the Versailles Villagers. This excrescence thinks it’s a-ok to deny a 4 month old baby life saving heart surgery because she’s stuffed with explosives and an obvious threat to the security of the United States. Pro-Life? This pissy pants wienie is only concerned about one life, his own.

The most controversial ad in the pre-game is Budwieser’s immigrant celebration of its founder now that his heirs and assigns have gotten theirs and want to close the gates so the captive market that drinks their recycled urine out of sheer ignorance (I’ve had Canadian Bud, it’s actually good because they can’t get away with peddling crap because of competition) and mind control don’t escape and find out that every other one of the 162 countries in the world including Bangladeshi Ganges Skunk Water, Rio de Janeiro Cesspit Stew, and the brews of all the Muslim majority nations where alcohol is expressly as forbidden as tea in Utah, is better than theirs.

Yes, even France.

Because this is Faux, we’ll also be subjected to BillO’s interview of Trump where Trump admits we’re a nation of jingoistict bigots and War Criminals on a moral par with Stalin’s USSR. Hey, like many things The Donald says his diagnosis is not wrong. The Legacy Media is biased and hypocritical, Wall Street is a pack of thieves looking to pick our pockets. Trump simply thinks the solution to these problems is more of the same, only bigly.

About the only relief (other than watching the Blackest city in the United States pound the Whitest, most racist one (we hope) will be Lady Gaga’s Halftime Show. Were I her (and I’m not, even though I have a lovely Tenor) I’d screw the Throwball elites and put on the most radical, political show I could scrape together including a chorus of Muslim Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgenders dancing naked while singing The Internationale and swinging AK-47s like canes in the finale of Blazing Saddles. “If it wasn’t for Jews, fags, and gypsies, there would be no theater.”

Ladies and Gentlemen: In the interest of clarity and sanity, the rest of this piece will be in Polish. I mean, it’s not like she’s going to be invited back next year anyway.

The Super Bowl is America’s biggest stage for play-acting as a united nation
by Bryan Armen Graham, The Guardian
Saturday 4 February 2017

What has the potential to be the most politically charged Super Bowl in history will be anything but if the pathologically apolitical National Football League has anything to do with it.

Apolitical? Actively Republican, but I digress.

The two-week build-up for Sunday’s championship tilt at Houston’s NRG Stadium between the New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons has, by twist of fate, been cast against the backdrop of the first two weeks of the Trump administration. The game itself has been dwarfed by a torrent of headlines – the ban on refugee admission and travel from seven Muslim-majority countries, the subsequent establishment of domestic “black sites”, the proposal to build a wall on the United States’ southern border – that threaten a country’s very identity as a refuge for the oppressed.

At the season’s outset, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick leveraged the platform’s reach by kneeling for the national anthem to shed a light on racial inequities in the country. Dozens of NFL players followed suit. But it’s highly doubtful you will find amplification of that dissent on the sidelines Sunday night: no Patriots or Falcons player has taken a knee during the anthem this season.

Indeed, players for both teams, media-trained within an inch of their lives, have said next to nothing throughout the week’s exhaustive media obligations lest they create a distraction. Not that it would make too much difference if they had: it was discovered earlier this week that the NFL’s communication department was redacting questions relating to Trump from the official transcripts disseminated to media.

No one has been more tight-lipped than the Patriots’ big three – owner Robert Kraft, head coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady – the trinity most responsible for the New England’s ascent from perennial also-ran to most successful American team of their generation. All three have shown a quiet allegiance to Trump while stopping short of public endorsement, creating a fascinating dichotomy with their Massachusetts home: the only state in the union where every county in the general election went for Hillary Clinton.

If you count appearances only. Of course they win in the perennially weak AFC, home of the Jets, the most pathetic and futile team in Throwball. One ring in the last 11 years- deal with it you overrated idiots.

It is the apotheosis of the “Republicans buy sneakers, too” mentality that prompted a generation of athletes to keep their heads down when it came to thorny issues, lest they alienate the consumer base. Current events have prompted an erosion of that firewall in other sports – most notably the NBA – but it remains paramount in the establishment NFL, where the owners’ political contributions to Republican campaigns, candidates and Super Pacs exceeded donations to Democratic efforts by a 40-to-1 margin this election cycle.

Sunday’s game will take place on a glorified sound stage before a live studio audience of corporate types; everything but the action on the field will be timed, measured and controlled before the largest American television audience ever. Former president George HW Bush will handle the pre-game coin toss after a joint color service guard run a gigantic American flag onto the field, and the US Air Force Thunderbirds will fly over the stadium to punctuate the national anthem.

The nation it celebrates may not feel united from the ground, but it sure can play one on TV.

Meh. Not so much. Over a 1.2 Million, thousands every day.

Every day.

I advise a pink hat with a distinctive design, easier to follow in the crowd.


Skip to comment form

    • TMC on February 5, 2017 at 8:05 pm

    we’re the end of the first half , the score is Falcons 21 – Patriots 3. Not exactly what Tom Brady planned

    • TMC on February 5, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    Falcons 28 – Patriots 3

    • TMC on February 5, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    End of the 3rd quarter, Falcons 29 – Patriots 9/

    Pats ball at the start of the 4th

    • TMC on February 5, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    Patriots FG

    Falcons 28- Patriots 12

    • TMC on February 5, 2017 at 10:16 pm

    At the end of the 4th quartre the game is tied at 28.

    First OT game in Super Bowl history

    • TMC on February 5, 2017 at 10:44 pm

    Patriots win Super Bowl with TD in Ot

    Patriots 34 – Falcons 28

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