Superb Owl LII: Iggles and Patsies

I think I’ve mentioned I hate both these teams and I can easily think of 17 different things I’d rather be watching.

Except for the commercials.

Juste à côté. Recognize this one?

Yeah, who’d a thunk?

But it’s all about who you hate the most and it’s definitely the Patsies.

Why Tom Brady’s New England Patriots Are the Most Tainted Sports Dynasty Ever
by Robert Silverman, Daily Beast
02.03.18

I strongly suggest plunking down on your trusty Barcalounger at some point on Sunday and tuning in because finding a true, unambiguous villain—in sports at least—is hard to come by. The best part of it is, it doesn’t really matter.

First, despite all of the despicable things the Patriots are accused of doing, they’re hardly alone. Aside from the aforementioned issues with football itself, every team in every sport has played fast and loose with the rules at some point. That the Patriots are so brazen about it is a difference of degree, not kind. Second, it’s sports. Compared to the rest of the world, their offenses, shady marketing ploys and even lousy politics, are laughable and utterly unimportant. The universe has provided no shortage of genuinely awful and truly frightening people who not only abound, they’ve realized that they no longer need to feel inhibited by a sense of shame. RIP Shame. It had a good run.

Which is all the more reason why pointing a stubby finger and shouting “J’accuse!” at a professional sports franchise, and deeming it the be-all and end-all of awfulness, is so necessary. The Patriots are not the evil empire, to be sure. But they are a collection of miscreants who—unlike actual, real-world malevolent entities that never seem to receive any kind of comeuppance—might actually be pummeled into submission, if only for one glorious day. (Note: This will not happen. They’re going to win. Again.)

With that in mind, here are some of the more unforgivable sins perpetrated by the Patriots, who you should loathe with the fire of a thousand suns.

As previously mentioned, they cheat, and they do it a lot. ESPN’s Don Van Natta and Seth Wickersham took a deep dive into Spygate and discovered that over an eight-year stretch, right up until the moment when the New York Jets set up a sting to catch them, they were secretly recording opponents’ sidelines during games in order to decipher their signals. How often? Forty separate instances between 2000 and 2007, according to ESPN. They also allegedly sent low-level employees into visiting teams’ locker rooms to steal their play sheets, so the Pats would know opposing teams’ first 15-20 plays of the game.

When they got busted, their cozy relationship with Roger Goodell meant that not only weren’t they punished in a manner that might have dissuaded future bad acts; the commissioner tried to bury the scandal, going so far as to destroy the evidence the league had gathered during its brief, three-day investigation—which led to heavy criticism from then-Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA).

So when the Patriots got busted for cheating again, via Deflategate, enough NFL owners were still carrying a grudge that Goodell felt compelled to dole a draconian and kind of ridiculous four-game suspension for QB Brady, docked the team multiple draft picks, and imposed a tidy $1 million fine.

Brady also managed to convince a preferred charitable organization to funnel millions into his own foundation, and he ditched his previous partner, actress Bridget Moynahan, while she was pregnant for his current wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen.

As for owner Robert Kraft, he’s a billionaire sports owner. There are no halfway-decent billionaire sports owners, but this one reportedly stumped for Donald Trump’s regressive tax plan, donated $1 million to his inaugural committee, and gave the president his very own shiny Super Bowl ring last year. He also gave millions more to build regulation football fields in Israel, and dragged NFL legends overseas to serve as unwitting props for Bibi Netanyahu’s political agenda. Needless to say, Brady spent a year playing coy about his support for his longtime dear chum, Donald Trump, after a Make America Great Hat was spied in his locker.

Similarly, Belichick, a humorless and soulless shell of a human being and yes, possibly the best coach ever, sent a letter of support using uber-Trumpian prose that then-candidate Trump read aloud days before the 2016 election. When questioned about his political leanings, Belichick somehow managed to say with a straight face, “I’m not a political person.”

Oh, lest we forget: the whole crazy Aaron Hernandez situation…and the fact that actual Nazis are rooting for the Patriots:

So there you have it. Let us pray that somehow these all-time football legends screw up. If so, joy and kindness, peace and understanding, and flowers and sunshine and rainbows will spread across the globe, because the Patriots are very bad.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, which is why I quoted it.

So it’s the Iggles and the bonus is that they’ll have to figure out what to do with Nick Foles who’s another one of these Colin Kaepernick-type backups made good that Throwball has no place for since they spoil the Pro Wrestling style narrative. Besides, it will be fun to watch crazed Iggles fans scoot up those Crisco coated lamp posts.

In Stars Hollow I have the misfortune to be swamped by Patsie partisans who I can tell you from personal experience are even worse than BoSox addicts (I know, it’s hard to imagine) so I keep to myself, mostly go out at night, and dream about hillside caves and goats.

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  1. Team Intros

  2. Somewhat disappointed in Pink. I’d have told them straight out to fuck off or done an on stage mic drop.

  3. Patsies win the toss. Iggles will receive.

  4. Iggles from their 25

  5. 5 Yard Pass

  6. At their 49

  7. Patsie’s 38

  8. Patsie’s 4

  9. Offsides Iggles

  10. Iggles 3 – 0

  11. Touchback Patsies

  12. Solo

  13. Turkish Airlines? Why?

  14. From their 40

  15. From Iggles 27

  16. Iggles 14

  17. Tied at 3

  18. Danny DeVito M&M commercial

  19. Bud lite is doing a Game of Thrones rip off. Dilly Dilly.

  20. Iggles from their 24.

  21. Patsie’s 33

  22. TD. Iggles 10 – 3

  23. Oops. 9 – 3

  24. Vikings in a Dodge

  25. Wendy’s but I’ve talked about them.

  26. Patsies from their 19

  27. On Iggles 29

  28. Iggles 17

  29. End of 1st Quarter. 9 – 3 Iggles. Check your pool card.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:10 pm

    End of te first quarter. Pats’ ball on Eagles 8 2nd and 1 at the start of the 2nd quarter

  30. Tide ad is funny

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:11 pm

    Sky scraper. A movie I think I’ll miss

  31. Ouch. That’s why they wear cups.

  32. Missed FG.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:13 pm

    Pats’ held to a FG NO GOO

    Eagles 9 – Pars 3

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:16 pm

    Eagles 4th down, punt to Pats

  33. Iggles punt. Patsies at their 37

  34. The Bud Knight

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:17 pm

    LOL I’m 85 and I wanna go home. e-trade

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:18 pm

    Another Mission Impossible movie??? Why???

  35. Fuck. Thursday.

  36. Iggles 40

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:21 pm

    Helmet to Helmet hit. It didn’t look intentional

  37. Avocado Anarchy!

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:22 pm

    Seems to be a run an action/horror movies

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:24 pm

    Well the Wi-Fi went down

      • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:25 pm

      Well the Wi-Fi went down

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:25 pm

    Pats 4th down. Going for 4th dwn and 5. Incomplet – Eagles ball

  38. Over on downs. Iggles from their 35.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    Pats should have gone for the FG. Dumb move

    1. I agree, couldn’t have turned out worse.

  39. Are they all Tide commercials?

  40. Patsie’s 42

  41. Patsies 21

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:33 pm

    EAGles Toundown 2 pt conversion failed

    Eagles 15 – Pats 3

  42. And Iggles 15 – 3 (another missed conversion).

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:34 pm

    Chris Pratt – Michelob work out

  43. Chris Pratt as an extra. Funny.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:35 pm

    Eagle kick off to Pats. Touch back

  44. Touchback. Patsie’s 25.

  45. Iggles 27

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:38 pm

    Pats 4th down again. Punt is GOOD

    Eagles 25 – Pats 6

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:40 pm

    Pats player will not return after head injury, not calling it a concussion, yet

    1. Good.

  46. Hmm… missed a FG. 15 – 6 Iggles.

  47. Iggles at Patsie’s 40

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:45 pm

    Pats intercept ball at their own three yd line

  48. INT at Patsie’s 8

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 7:45 pm

    Was just about to post So far so good when

    Crap.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    Patriot’s Touchdown

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    Miss FG again

    Eagles 15 – Pats 12

  49. Patsie’s TD. 15 – 12 Iggles.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:54 pm

    2 minute warning for the 1st half

  50. Iggles from their 30. 2 minutes in 1st Half.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 7:55 pm

    Other than the accent, I can’t tell Hemsworth from Pratt

    1. True that. One was Thor, the other was Peter Quill.

  51. Aussie Tourism with Paul Hogan!

  52. At the Patsie’s 7

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:03 pm

    4th & goal at the 1 yd line. Going for the goal on 4th down

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:03 pm

    Touchdown Eagles

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 8:05 pm

    Nicely done

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:05 pm

    1 pint kick is GOOD

    Eagles 22 – Pats 12

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:06 pm

    34 seconds ingame Pats willtry to get ball into FG range

  53. TD Iggles. 22 – 12. Foles receives while Brady failed. 34 seconds in Half.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:11 pm

    Pats short of FG range to end the 2nd half.

    Eagles 22 – Pats 12

    Half time with Timberlake. Time for real food. Sister-in- law’s Chili with rice and tossed salad

    1. Oh, it is so on. Next time.

  54. Done. 22 – 12 Iggles. Check your pools and prepare your barf bags for Justin Timberlake.

  55. Wow. Cure Auto is in your face. “If you cheat on your auto insurance you go to jail. If you cheat at football you get to sleep with a super model.”

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 8:17 pm

    Wardrobe malfunction exposing trump underwear?

    1. Nah. More general suckiness.

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 8:35 pm

    Well the band was blow syncing. But at least they showed a band. Meh.

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 8:38 pm

    The dancers were good too.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:41 pm

    2nd half begins. Pats’ ball on their own 25

  56. Patsies from their 25.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:47 pm

    Pats Touchdown. point kick is GOOD

    Eagles 22 – Pats 19

  57. Patsies TD. Iggles 22 – 19.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:48 pm

    I can imagine the talk the Pats got in the locker room. Hoping the Eagles can pull this off

  58. Penalty. Iggles from their 15.

  59. Iggles 34

  60. Patsies 44

  61. Patsies 25

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:57 pm

    Eagles on 22 yd line. FG range

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 8:59 pm

    Eagles Touchdown. Will most likely be reviewed

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:02 pm

    Ruling stands. Touchdown eagles

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:03 pm

    Extra point is GOOD

    Eagles 29 – Pats 19

  62. TD. Iggles 29 – 19.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:04 pm

    Internet is pissed at Rams commercial that used MLK legacy to sell cars

    1. Well… good to be reminded. Obscure speech. The man was a giant.

  63. What the fuck do you mean bobbled on the last step? That was Out of Bounds anyway. Root much asshole?

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:05 pm

    Bud Knight in the stands

  64. Well they returned it. Patsies 25.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:08 pm

    Pats 1 st 10 on a defense penalty

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:12 pm

    Touichdown Pats. Makes it a one possession game again.

    Ealges 29 – Pats 26

  65. Patsies TD. Iggles 29 – 26.

  66. Infinity War

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:16 pm

    I awnt the dinosaurs to get to eat all the cast and crew at the end of the next Jurassic Park movie

      • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 9:19 pm

      Circle of life

  67. From the Iggles 25

  68. Now from their 49

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:18 pm

    Eagles in at Pats 33. 1st & 10

  69. From the Patsie 36

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:19 pm

    Eagles 1st & 10 at 23

  70. Patsie 23

  71. Iggles 29 – 26 at the end of the 3rd. Check your pool.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:22 pm

    End of the 3rd quarter. EAgles’ ball at Pats’ 16 3rd down & 3 at the start of the 4th

  72. A Scientology Ad!

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:23 pm

    This is a much tighter game than expected. The Pats have yet to have the lead, something they are probably not used to

  73. FG. Iggles 32 – 26.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    Eagles 4th down at start of 4th quarter.

    FG is GOOD. With a flag against the Pats. Penalty declined

    Eagles 32 – Pats 26

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:28 pm

    Bud Light. Don’t drink and ride your horse. Why is the horse drunk, too???

      • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 9:31 pm

      Budwiser: the beer the horses make.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:29 pm

    So far no sacks in this game and only one intercept

  74. Patsies from their 25

  75. Patsies 40

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    Eagles need to cover Amendola better

  76. Patsies from Iggles 7

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:35 pm

    Pats touchdown and takes the lead for the first time in the game

  77. Patsie TD. Patsies 33 – 32. 9:22 Remaining.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:37 pm

    Extra point is GOOD

    Patriots 33 – Eagles 32

    This is not good

  78. Iggles Touchback

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 9:41 pm

    This is the point in the game the pats usually start running away with it.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:56 pm

    Eagles Touchdown which is going to be reviewed

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 9:57 pm

    Broke the plane.

      • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 9:58 pm

      Touchdown before he hit the ground

  79. Crosses the Plane under control and even if it’s a fumble HE RECOVERED IT!

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 9:59 pm

    This new rule over ball control sucks

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:00 pm

    Touchdown onfirmed. Going for 2pt conversion

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:01 pm

    Incomplete.

    Eagles 38 – Patriots 33

  80. Game over. Iggles TD. Iggles 38 – 33. 2:21 to Play.

  81. He took 2 fucking steps! What do you mean is he a runner assholes!

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:03 pm

    Brady SACKED. INTERCEPT !!!

  82. Fumble. Patsies are toast. Stick a fork in it.

      • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:06 pm

      There’s still 2 minutes in this game

      1. Do you have some Avocado?

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:06 pm

    2 minute warnig

  83. Well, at least the game was interesting. The commercials not so much.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:09 pm

    Eagles takng the clock down with a FG attempt

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:10 pm

    FG is GOOD!!

    Eagles 41 – Pats 33

  84. Iggles 41 – 33. Patsies at their 7. 53 seconds.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:12 pm

    Pats need a TD and a 2 pt conversion to take the game into OT.

  85. 4th and 10. 43 seconds.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:14 pm

    Pats 4th and 10 from the 9. 1at down 26 asec and 76 yds to gp

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 10:15 pm

    Exciting finish

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:18 pm

    That it.

    EAGLES WIN

  86. Done. 41 – 33 Iggles.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:19 pm

    Everyone here is jumping up & down screaming.

    Popping champaigne

  87. Big players have already promised to snoot Trump.

    • TMC on February 4, 2018 at 10:20 pm

    Did I mention that some of my family is from Philadelphia???

    1. What? You’re a Cheese Steak heir?

    2. Whiz or Provolone, c’mon- dish.

  88. Now I feel dirty. I need a shower. Maybe with Clorox and Steel Wool.

    • BobbyK on February 4, 2018 at 10:26 pm

    Defense came up big in last patriot drive.

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