BREAKING!!! Democrats Propose to Condemn Tooth Decay!!!

Sep 27th, 2007 | Washington, DC (BFD) In their continuing quest to demonstrate their ineptitude and irrelevance, Democrats in Congress today announced their intention to propose a resolution resolutely condemning tooth decay.

“It’s the least we could do,” said one anonymous Democratic staffer, “literally the least.”

Aides to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid would not comment, but assured our reporters that the Democratic leadership would be meeting with representatives of the sugar and dentistry lobbies, to ensure precise wording that would offend no one.

“We have another year and a half in which to do as little as possible,” said one top aide to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who requested that his or her name, nickname, or species not be used. “We might win big, next year, and anything we do is certain to offend someone, so we will try to look busy while not actually being so.

“This isn’t easy,” the aide admitted, before hurrying off to a Georgetown restaurant, to dine on lobster and foie gras, at the expense of a former colleague, who is now a K Street lobbyist. “Some people expect us to do things. There’s a war and stuff. Some people just don’t understand how Washington works.”

Initial reports indicate strong bipartisan support, although Senator Joseph Lieberman (?-CT) expressed reservations.

“What this has to do with attacking Arabs and Muslims is beyond me,” the Senator whined, as reporters attempted to maintain the appearance of conscious attention. “I really don’t see the point.”

Another top Democratic staffer, whose name cannot be revealed because I’m making this up, succinctly summarized the bill’s soporific intent.

“We’re sleepwalking. Zombies. Going through the motions. We’re trying to outrage our base, and lull the majority of Americans into forgetting we’re here.

“This is important. No one wants to do anything that might upset David Broder, and everyone’s afraid of being purged from Sally Quinn’s invite list.”

The only fear is that the resolution will be so popular as to tie up too little of Congress’s time.

“We’re trying to think of what to do next,” said the imagined staffer, before rushing off to a Beltway cocktail party. “Some want us to prepare a resolution stating our firm commitment to the protection of puppies, but others are afraid that might be construed as revealing a bias against kittens.

“Compromise language might say something about hamsters, or even ferrets,” the staffer concluded. “That could give some the impression that we’re capable of thinking outside the box.”