MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Having been cornered on several recent occasions to clarify his position on the war in Iraq – beyond “I was there on 9/11” and “we should kill bad guys” – the Giuliani campaign has chosen to take a novel approach.
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Describing their method as the kind of “out-of-the-box” exercise Giuliani mastered as a consultant, his staff recently conducted an offsite session wherein they consulted the famous Sanskrit tome “the Kama Sutra” for “metaphoric insights” on how Giuliani might better explain his Iraq position.
Despite the novelty, and private-sector flair, however, an anonymous campaign staffer described the effort as somewhat frustrating. Apparently, other campaigns had “clearly beaten them to the punch,” metaphorically.
Continued the staffer, “McCain had clearly taken all the oral sex positions – generally juxtaposing himself vis George W. Bush as the decider / disseminator in chief – and his campaign is already regularly rotating among the variants.”
“Romney had already staked out all the multiple-partner turf, as well as the anal turf – in this case juxtaposing himself with the troops.” The staffer noted with a giggle that the latter was presumably the underlying basis of Senator Craig’s support for the Romney campaign.
“Given the Republican context, Ron Paul’s position clearly already draws on the material on ‘solo’ stimulation.” (Other campaigns contacted for comment agreed with this assessment, and predicted somewhat cryptically that Paul would almost certainly be “blind” before the first primary vote is cast.)
“And Thompson is apparently drawing heavily on the parts about arousing weakened sexual powers. This is really too bad, as these chapters really, really spoke to Rudy.”
With all of those other parts claimed by others, Mr. Giuliani apparently kept getting drawn to the chapters on courtesans. “However,” noted the staffer, “we figured that this might be kind of dangerous turf for him — and I’m not even talking about [Giuliani supporter and U.S.Senator] David Vitter.”
“At the end of the exercise, we ultimately decided to focus in on one of our current core positions on Iraq – i.e., the Rudy was there on 9/11 position – for as long as possible, until grilling by reporters makes it untenable.
“We estimate that can’t happen until at least January 2009.”
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3 comments
good gravy. first, budhy’s got that asstastic and insanely disturbing gwb gif; now this diary harkens and conjures up all sorts of unnecessary and shrinkage-inducing images involving possibly oiled and likely contorted republicans.
ew.
unbelievably funny title….
ugly pictures in my head though…
but I may need a drink. Or two.