Iraq: A GOP Change in Strategy

According to multiple sources of mine at the White House, RNC, Capitol Hill, and several Georgetown bars, a consensus seems to be forming among White House and GOP strategists on a bold new political strategy that can be spun as an Iraq withdrawal plan and as a much needed cost cutting measure to reduce Operation Iraqi Freedom expenditures.  When this efficient new strategy is implemented, millions of taxpayer dollars will be saved on Army transport, supply, and logistics costs; and troop levels in Iraq will be systematically reduced on a timeline, in accordance with the wishes of the American people. 

Advocates of this developing GOP strategy for Iraq, not to be unveiled until the propaganda is sufficiently catapulted, are impressed with its cost-effectiveness elements and the bottom line business rationale behind it.  According to this rationale, there’s no way to prevent at least 1,000 American soldiers from being killed over the coming year, in a prohibitively expensive occupation that needs some cost cutting, so why even deploy them to Iraq? 

Just blow them up here.

This bold new GOP strategy is still in the process of being honed to perfection, various details still need to be worked out, but it’s adherents are confident that this dramatic new phase in the war on terror will confuse the hell out of the insurgents and buy time for the Surge to work even better than it already is. 

This is the basic plan:

Once a month, in a spirit of bipartisan unity, Joe Lieberman would pick 100 soldiers at random from our stateside combat brigades in training for their next deployment to Iraq.  They would be flown to Washington and lined up in formation on the White House lawn.  The Commander Guy would swagger out to a podium, give a speech about the great job they’re doing defending freedom, etc, etc, and then a patriotic defense contractor would blow them up, at the bargain price for the taxpayers of only $100,000 per soldier.

After each of these monthly demonstrations of Bush’s heroic resolve to win the war on terror, Sean Hannity would have a Freedom Concert on the National Mall.  Halliburton employees would retrieve the body parts from the White House lawn and FedEx them to the concert so Sean and the other real Americans in attendance can give the fallen heroes a grateful moment of silence, and then the Clint Black songs and proud celebrations of America’s greatness would resume. 

Like any plan, this one still has a few minor drawbacks to sort out before unleashing it on the evildoers.  Monthly explosions in Washington might be misinterpreted by the liberal media as discouraging, but their whining can be dismissed as typical leftwing cowardice.  There’d be fewer troops in Iraq but Blackwater USA could pick up the slack.  No problem.  And all those predatory lenders outside the gates of Army bases would lose some business, but they could be compensated by the DHS designating them as national landmarks and thus likely terrorist targets, which would land each of them $500,000 in government grants. 

Reid and Pelosi will be shocked when they first hear about this decisive new GOP strategy, but they’ll come around.  They’ll issue a press statement or two deploring the blowing up of American soldiers by defense department contractors, they’ll call it a misguided, irrational and counterproductive strategy.  But they’ll cave when Bush scolds them for “not supporting the body parts”.

The families of Holy Joe’s selected soldiers will be horrified and outraged, but who listens to the families of dead soldiers anyway?  Besides, they can be dismissed by the very serious conservative pundits and foreign policy experts on TV as isolated people who only have a limited personal perspective of this, and who are consequently unable to see the bigger picture and grasp the important strategic benefits.

Three out of every four Americans will be stunned when this strategy is unveiled.  Some of them might even call their congressmen and senators about it.  But they’ll be brushed off with polite clichés from a staffer thanking them for their views, and will then be asked for a reelection campaign contribution.  Bush’s base will be assured in a glossy direct mail brochure that the 100 soldiers selected to be blown up each month will by pure coincidence be Black, Latino, Asian American, or Native American, so they’ll enthusiastically praise the plan, and proclaim all over rightwing talk radio that future historians will hail it as a stroke of political and military genius. 

In addition to the satisfaction derived from inspiring their knuckle-dragging racist base, GOP strategists are savoring the economic benefits that would ensue.  According to Pentagon studies, getting a soldier killed in Iraq costs American taxpayers between $1 million and $5 million dollars, depending on how many deployments they survive before getting blown up.  Blowing them up here in America at the reduced price of $100,000 each would save a lot of taxpayer dollars, and restore Wall Street confidence that Bush and the GOP’s $900,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 spending rampage since 2001 was just a misunderstanding and that they truly are fiscally responsible. 

But much more importantly, this new strategy will strike fear into the dark hearts of Islamofascists everywhere.

It will bring them to their knees.

Allah’s warriors will tremble in shock and awe seeing Bush blowing up American soldiers right on the White House lawn.  They’ll see that two can play their little homicide bomber games.  They’ll see that their mighty adversary knows a thing or two about psychological warfare.  They’ll finally understand the steely resolve he has to win this clash of civilizations, and in less than a Friedman Unit this epic battle between good and evil will be all over but for the parades. 

Bin Laden will appear live on Al Jazeera and tell every active and aspiring jihadist from Djakarta to Algiers that it’s hopeless to resist a Commander Guy like that.  He’ll shave his beard, divorce his wives, accept Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior, take Communion, and tell them all to convert to Christianity and go shopping for the rest of their lives.  Then he’ll break his satellite phone out of storage, call the White House, arrange a flight to Pearl Harbor, and surrender on the deck of the battleship Missouri. 

Victory!

Two more terms for Bush!

Another Permanent Republican Majority! 

(This is the strategy, and these are the expectations of White House and Congressional Republicans, according to my many sources in Washington, who have universally staked their reputations on its authenticity.  This hasn’t reassured me much because they haven’t been right about anything yet, so I’ve been reluctant to post this.  They may just want to sucker me into destroying my credibility on Docudharma, but I can do that just fine without any help from them, so maybe there really is such a plan.) 

Ultimately, after pondering this for several sleepless nights, I’ve concluded that this plan and its projected impact on UBL, Iraq, and the jihadist movement are so bizarre and off the charts loony that who else could have formulated them but Doug Feith?

Consequently, I’m deeply concerned that the stupidest fucker on the planet is back in the saddle somewhere in the OVP or the Pentagon.  If that’s true, conditions in Washington, which many of us think cannot possibly get any more surreal, may be about to leave surreal far behind and head into territory so far beyond human experience that mere words will never be capable of describing it.