Our war crime in Iraq is going swimmingly!

And our plan to nuke Iran is shaping up nicely too.

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That paragon of military virtue, General David “Lying My Ass Off” Petraeus, has reassured the nation that the abominable war crime we embarked upon 4 years ago is unfolding in a way that would make any major lowlife proud.

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“Why Attila the Hun couldn’t have done it any better!” he was alleged to have said in his testimony to Congress.  “Any black-hearted bloodthirsty bastard in any third-world armpit dictatorship would be pleased with our progress.” 

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“The surge,” he reported, “has been like felonious icing on our illegal occupation cake.”  At which point members of Congress were seen to be openly drooling and licking their lips.  “Sure the pesky Iraqis are balking at the Give All Our Oil to the Gringos bill that we’re shoving down their throats, but don’t you worry, we’re holding one big-assed gun to their heads.  They’ll come around.  If not before then certainly once they see those mushroom clouds over the horizon.  That’ll make ’em piss their pants man-dresses,” he assured our ‘leaders’ who all nodded sagely (or stupidly depending upon one’s POV).

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“It made me proud,” said Petraeus, “when my Commander-Guy-In-Chief, instead of listening to the lily-livered peace-loving so-called people of the United States and binging our troops home safely, heroically decided instead to compound our grievous crimes by escalating the immoral occupation of the sovereign nation of Iraq.  Ignoring the manifest will of the ‘people’,” I said at the time, “is a splendid example of democracy in action, a shining example to the rest of the world – should any of them be thinking of getting out of line or anything.”

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After blathering on inanely for hours, the good General concluded with this:

“So do your duty ladies and gentlemen and give President Fukwad whatever money America has left so he can piss it away in the desert murdering, raping and torturing the innocent people of Iraq for the greater glory of the republic – our republic that is.”

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Seemingly across the board members of Congress along with many other thoughtless, self-righteous pricks were positively outraged!  Not by Petraeus’ boldfaced lies in support of the Rape of Iraq, but by an ad that some (supposedly) still free American citizens had the temerity to run in a newspaper decrying those lies.  It’s not the nearly 4,000 Americans and nearly a million Iraqis now dead for no good reason that raised their ire, nor was it the trillion dollar devastation of our economy, the alienation of our allies, the trashing of our Constitution, or the marrying of American values to torture, rape and murder.  No.  It was a newspaper ad that may have been a tad rude.

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Americans may be many things these days, but one thing about us, we can barely tolerate rudeness.

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O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it — for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

Twain’s War Prayer

Join us this Saturday, September 15th in Washington D.C. to march against these criminal bastards!  Kossaks are meeting up at the site of the National Christmas Tree on the ellipse (15th & E Street) beginning at 11:00 a.m.  We’ll join the march at high noon.

Additional info. on rideshares, room and board, the march, etc. is available at Road2DC.

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11 comments

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    • OPOL on September 12, 2007 at 1:49 am
      Author
  1. …if i didn’t know that cheney has a man-sized safe in his office. no one needs a safe that big, and the fact that he actually does makes me feel untirely unsafe.

    yet another fine piece, opol, and boy howdy, that mark twain was something else. it continues to amaze me how so much of his stuff is simultaneously uproarious and not-in-the-least-bit funny. not to mention completely and wholly relevent to these times. to wit:

    …for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love…

  2. … of hearing folks in Congress blathering “we appreciate your service” to the “shiny, shiny hero” Petraeus (h/t 73rd Virgin).

    I do not appreciate his service.  I don’t care if he is smart or if he is a good tactician or if he wins his little battles.  He has volunteered for the sake of his own career to prosecute an illegal war under a criminal President and then lie to the American people and say it is “succeeding.”

    And yes, of course the biggest outrage is an ad taken out by a group of folks who are a wee bit against this sort of “killing” thing, you know, the hundreds of thousands killed, the millions made refugees, the rape and pillage of a nation.

    Bleh.

  3. with injuries that can’t be seen and will likely never be healed – those with PTSD and war/violence-induced mental illness and brain injury. Fully one half of all deployed National Guard service members have it.  Over a third of all service members deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan have it.  It hasn’t even been addressed for Iraqis – they’ve been abandoned.

    Keep ’em coming, OPOL.

  4. We are STILL in Iraq???

    I Have a LOT of catching up to do….

    These people are insane!

    • Turkana on September 12, 2007 at 3:00 am

    he wasn’t into nation-building. nation-destroying, on the other hand…

  5. on the table, it needs to BE the table.

    Thanks OPOL for cutting through the B.S. that is this presidency.

    Puppet Petraeus needs to have his strings cut…by impeachment.

  6. Another Bush casualty…Petraeus goes down in history as a stooge.

  7. I hang my head in shame that these images have been wrought in our name.

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