Sep 21 2007

writing in the raw: now

(again… i clicked off the damned FP by habit… yikes – promoted by pfiore8)

Turn it up a little louder… because here i am

i’m not going to explain anything to you … why explain it???

i’ll seduce you with wanting to know more… and let you figure it out on your own

they don’t hear it… the explanations

… they don’t get it

we’re at some kind of place here… and all i want to do is break through

don’t hold me hostage to explanations… stop defining me

stop telling me what it is or isn’t

every word makes it harder to be free

one of my goals in life at 7 or 8 or 9 was to ride a HORSE. Simple. Get on and take off. Not having a horse, I used to be one, in the school yard. Snorting, pawing the dirt, galloping and then running, and trying to run so fast that I’d gather up everything I had to break through the very skin holding me in…

i’m back to that. i want to shatter the skin i’m in. be wrong. be fucking wrong. wallow in it. but be MY wrong. better to be wrong on my own than right somebody else’s way.

this is a rant, a rave. i don’t even know where i’m going with this. i had a story for tonight. but i don’t want to tell that tale.

i want to editorialize, in this very weird way. to say it and scream it: stop defining rules… stop watching. no more gatekeeping.

these feelings won’t go away… we can’t stop it by being like it.

we can’t stop it by being it.

i’m not afraid. open the gates. let them in. let me see if i can balance on the wheel, ek. how fucking serene can i become? how impenetrable am i?

or maybe that’s not it at all. maybe it’s how vunerable i am. how many times can you kill me. how many times can i get up. how can i love you even when you hate me. how can i give you everything and nothing at all…

it’s a world that is barely perceptible to me… my own mind. i struggle through it. i reach out to it. it eludes me. yet here i am. friendly. encouraging. wanting to love all of you. wanting to protect all of you. wanting to make it better… for all of you.

yet… here i am, escaped from my everday self. rolling through this and not knowing the outcome. the end. the consequences of being all of myself.

big toe in the water. it’s cold. it’s deep. i don’t know what’s out there. but i’m jumping the fuck in.

114 comments

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    • pfiore8 on September 21, 2007 at 04:04
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    .

  2. Preach it sister….

  3. … a snark-free zone.

    Is the blogosphere ready for it?

    Naked in the feeling, open to everything, ah.

    Used to watch the jazz musicians, when they weren’t playing music they were just like everyone else, flawed and imperfect, but when they would break out in a solo they were naked, completely vulnerable and open to what they were hearing inside themselves, helpless in the moment.

    And so often afterwards they would grimace and criticize their performance, that perfection they had heard was not reachable by their poor instruments — they would criticize themselves as I would sit there half in tears from the beauty of what they had played.

    What is weakness, what is strength?  What takes more courage?

    Nice essay, pfiore.

  5. Where was the senate when republican hit men assasinated the character of these great American heroes?

    SHAME.

  6. You’re a Punkrocker!

  7. you aren’t alone in making the leap

    and we are all relearning to swim…

    freestyle

    • pfiore8 on September 21, 2007 at 04:39
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    put out some rifts… write, make some art… scream

    that’s what this is for… it isn’t about reacting to what i wrote

    it’s about reacting to what your feeling… i’m just here to set you up

    now let it go… right here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • nocatz on September 21, 2007 at 04:48
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    http://www.youtube.c…

  10. overwatered front yard
    moist soil sucking shoe sound
    i leave muddy trail

    • nocatz on September 21, 2007 at 05:06
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    It’s RIFF.
    RIFF.
    RIFF.

    • fatdave on September 21, 2007 at 05:45
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    and waited for you to rise and rise you did. Not where I had anticipated , but calling and waving joyfully from the island across the blackshine. I chuckled at your triumph and the chestnuts shook their overhanging arms to let you know they’d seen your feat, a fog of woody specklets settled still and silent on the taut skin of the dark water. Leaning back onto and into the jettypost I thought of bygone waters. Deeper than any pit I ever stumbled through – my soul darkening to match the surroundings. Dharma Chameleon. Colder than the ice which forms in our hearts sometimes if we let it – and it’s getting easier these days. Where dwells the ancient monster fish of memory and snaps from nowhere. And I think of Paris. Not the one in France. The one which at it’s every accidental waft puts a sting in my eyes. Where no sting ought to be.

  14. or things…but today, when i had to make appointments to both order rose a new wheelchair and get hannah’s bass clarinet looked at for a possible leak, i realized that those are the two most valuable things i own.  a wheelchair and a bass clarinet.

    i paid more for the wheelchair, but the clarinet actually has a higher cash value.

    the clarinet is actually worth almost twice what my car is. sigh….

    p.s….we are water, mostly.  and i love the water.

    here are the lyrics to a Live song which is all i can think of when i read your offering tonight

    “Run To The Water”

    oh desert speak to my heart
    oh woman of the earth
    maker of children who weep for love
    maker of this birth
    ’til your deepest secrets are known to me
    I will not be moved
    I will not be moved

    “don’t try to find the answer
    when there ain’t no question here
    brother let your heart be wounded
    and give no mercy to your fear”

    adam and eve live down the street from me
    babylon is every town
    it’s as crazy as it’s ever been
    love’s a stranger all around

    in a moment we lost our minds here
    and lay our spirit down
    today we lived a thousand years
    all we have is now

    run to the water
    and find me there
    burnt to the core but not broken
    we’ll cut through the madness
    of these streets below the moon
    these streets below the moon

    and I will never leave you
    ’til we can say, “this world was just a dream
    we were sleepin’ now we are awake”
    ’til we can say

    in a moment we lost our minds here
    and dreamt the world was round
    a million mile fall from grace
    thank god we missed the ground

    run to the water
    and find me there
    burnt to the core but not broken
    we’ll cut through the madness
    of these streets below the moon
    with a nuclear fire of love in our hearts

    yeah, I can see it now lord
    out beyond all the breakin’ of waves
    and the tribulation
    it’s a place and the home of ascended souls
    who swam out there in love!

    run to the water
    and find me there
    burnt to the core but not broken
    we’ll cut through the madness
    of these streets below the moon
    with a nuclear fire of love in our hearts
    rest easy baby, rest easy
    and recognize it all as light and rainbows
    smashed to smithereens and be happy
    run to the water (and find me there)
    run to the water

    and a link to video…  or, if you prefer, a live performance

  15. inspriration, linking in a number of themes for the evening, including the water.

    Pfiore8, this song by Robbie Robertson really does turn me on…

    Yeah, I can see it now
    The distant red neon shivered in the heat
    I was feeling like a stranger in a strange land
    You know where people play games with the night
    God, it was too hot to sleep
    I followed the sound of a jukebox coming from up the levee
    All of a sudden I could hear somebody whistling
    From right behind me
    I turned around and she said
    “Why do you always end up down at Nick’s Cafe?”
    I said “I don’t know, the wind just kind of pushed me this way.”
    She said “Hang the rich.”

    Catch the blue train
      To places never been before
    Look for me
      Somewhere down the crazy river
      Somewhere down the crazy river
    Catch the blue train
      All the way to Kokomo
    You can find me
      Somewhere down the crazy river
      Somewhere down the crazy river

    Take a picture of this
    The fields are empty, abandoned ’59 Chevy
    Laying in the back seat listening to Little Willie John
    Yea, that’s when time stood still
    You know, I think I’m gonna go down to Madam X
    And let her read my mind
    She said “That Voodoo stuff don’t do nothing for me.”

    I’m a man with a clear destination
    I’m a man with a broad imagination
    You fog the mind, you stir the soul
    I can’t find, … no control

    Catch the blue train
      To places never been before
    Look for me
      Somewhere down the crazy river
      Somewhere down the crazy river
    Catch the blue train
      All the way to Kokomo
    You can find me
      Somewhere down the crazy river
      Somewhere down the crazy river

    Wait, did you hear that
    Oh this is sure stirring up some ghosts for me
    She said “There’s one thing you’ve got to learn
    Is not to be afraid of it.”
    I said “No, I like it, I like it, it’s good.”
    She said “You like it now
    But you’ll learn to love it later.”

    I been spellbound – falling in trances
    I been spellbound – falling in trances
    You give me shivers – chills and fever
    I been spellbound – somewhere down the crazy river

    If you’ve never heard it, I would definitely give it a pony.

    • snud on September 21, 2007 at 06:14
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    But here are a few pics I took:

    Free Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.com
    Yosemite Rainbow

    Free Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.com
    Valley Near My Home in Va

    Free Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.com
    Swallowtails

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