A Huge Void in the Universe

Ground Control to Major Tom . . .

Astronomers working on the analysis of data being acquired by NASA’s WMAP (Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe) satellite announced that they found a huge void in the universe. The hole found in the constellation of Eridanus is about a billion light years across, which is roughly 10,000 times as large as our galaxy or 400 times the distance to Andromeda, the closest “large” galaxy.

I’m not a NASA scientist with a fancy Wilkinson Microwave Anistropy Probe, but I have an announcement to make anyway.  I hope NASA won’t be too annoyed at me for interrupting their distant stargazing, but I think they should know there’s a huge void in our universe much closer to home:

In fact there are two huge voids in our little corner of the universe. They’re located within blocks of each other and have been time-warping the entire planet back to the Middle Ages ever since the Big Bang of 2001.  This catastrophe has been casually referred to in the media as Bush v. Gore, which is no surprise to bloggers like us–the Big Bang of 2001 only tore the very fabric of the space-time continuum to shreds, so it wasn’t likely to be noticed or reported accurately by the corporate media.

These voids at each end of Pennsylvania Avenue have been coexisting in a dual alternate universe where facts are nonexistent, sentient thought is extinct, and the Witches Must Be Burned Act just passed 445-1 in the House and 99-1 in the Senate.  See that figure up on top of the Capitol Dome?  The Goddess of Liberty used to be up there, but they took her down.  The Slut of Incumbency is up there now, the inhabitants of her domain worship her above all else.  

These bizarre voids in the universe, which I photographed with a $50 camera because I didn’t have a Wilkinson Microwave Anistropy Probe handy, would have baffled Einstein.  So its no wonder that mere bloggers like us have been experiencing difficulties analyzing the surreal events we’ve been witnessing.  We’re presently trying to figure out how and why both of these voids seem to have traveled back in time to the 12th Century.

Habeas Corpus?  What the hell is that?  

Einstein left us some hints regarding how this may have occurred.  Apparently, the creatures who inhabit these voids expect us to travel back through time with them to the wondrous bipartisan days of the Mongol Empire, so Mr. Irregular Heartbeat and his sidekick Mr. Irregular Brainwave can take us all on another joyride through genocide.  

No thanks.

Been there:

Done that.

We’re not going to go through all that shit again.

NASA scientists need to quit probing that harmless void in Eridanus that’s been minding its own business for 12 billion years, and need to start doing some major Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probing of these voids in Washington D.C.  One planet in this solar system with rings around it is enough, we don’t need to have 7 billion people orbiting the earth in pieces just because the inhabitants of these voids want to play The Empire Strikes Back against Iran for shipping a couple of grenades to some Shi’a militia guy in Sadr City.      

Call now.  

Sure, this is a quandary:

The dimension of the hole in the constellation Eridanus is so big that at first glance, it is impossible to explain under the current cosmological theories, although scientists put forward some explanations based on certain theoretical models that might predict the existence of “giant knots” in space known as topological defects.

Well those “giant knots” out there in space somewhere are just going to have to wait their turn, we have some giant knots to unravel right here.  If this isn’t a giant knot, there is no such thing:

Unfortunately, the Patriot Act isn’t the only giant knot we’re dealing with.  In the photo below, one of the more notorious Giant Knots in the universe is signing autographs for some of his knot-tying assistants, as a token of his appreciation for them doing such a great job pretending they’ve been untying knots, like that Patriot Act knot, and that Habeas Corpus knot, and that Unitary Executive Authority knot that’s the Mother of All Knots.  

Is it just me, or has everyone else noticed that Henry Waxman hasn’t exactly been untying that Sibel Edmonds knot at breakneck speed. No wonder he’s smiling so proudly. “Sibel Edmonds?  Nope.  Never heard of her.  But watch my next useless oversight hearing, bloggers!  That part time secretary filling in for the secretary of the Assistant Undersecretary of State who used to be in charge of the State Department’s transitional liaison office for interdepartmental policy coordination on Iraq Embassy doorknob acquisition contracts is going to get her ass grilled by yours truly.  For at least an hour.  Unless she says she can’t make it to the hearing because she’s busy shredding documents for Condi.”    

Thanks Henry.  Here’s a Medal of Freedom for you:

It’s time to put up or shut up, Democrats.  Conyers, put that calculator away and start Impeachment hearings. Waxman, call Sibel Edmonds in to testify. Leahy, charge Rove and Bolton and every one of Bush’s White House hacks with inherent contempt of Congress.  Either enforce the Constitution, or we’ll elect Americans to Congress who will.

We’re tired of living on the edge . . .