Dear Senator DiFi: Can I be Attorney General, too?

My very dearest Senator Feinstein,

I feel like we’re old friends. Years ago, when Arianna Huffington was a Republican and you were a moderate Democrat, I sent money to your re-election campaign. A good chunk of money. I was offended that Arianna’s husband was trying to buy your senate seat. I admired your tenacity in fighting him off. I loved the bumperstickers that said: Dianne: Make him spend it all!. Those were the days, huh?

And then began our long correspondence. Okay, I wasn’t so good at writing you back- in fact, I never did- but you kept sending me letters, every month or so, describing all the fine work you were doing in Washington. I was touched that you made the effort. Having once worked for a congressman, I knew how much effort it took. And they were all personally signed by your signing machine! I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. And it went on for years and years. I could tell that you cared!

We were even once almost formally introduced. Well, not quite formally, but you did once almost bowl me over, late one night at a dim sum restaurant, when I was walking past your table, and you suddenly rose to put on your coat. Had your daughter not quickly whisked you out of the way, our introduction might have been more than formal. It might have been almost intimate! But your daughter saved the day- or night- and you were startled, and apologetic, and gracious. It was actually quite human and charming. I almost stopped to tell you how much I appreciated your recent efforts in helping get the assault weapons ban through the Senate, but having known quite a few famous people, I considered it best to not interrupt your private time.

The years went by. We had a falling out. You voted for Bush’s tax cuts. I called your office and said there would be no more money. I admit that I hadn’t actually intended to give you more, anyway, but I thought you needed to understand how disappointed I was. And you did seem to understand. You seemed to understand that relationships sometimes need work. The thoughtful letters kept coming, as if nothing had happened. It was kind of sweet. I understood that you didn’t take me lightly, and that you intended to keep trying to grow the relationship. I did my part, too. When you sponsored a bill to shut down Guantanamo, I wrote a diary on Daily Kos, to praise you. I called your office to thank you. Despite our estrangement, I wanted you to know that when I thought you deserved it, I would still always be there for you.

So, we do have a long history, together. And we have much in common. For example:

You went to Stanford University. I went to Stanford Hospital.

You were mayor of San Francisco, in the 1980s, and worked at City Hall. I went to a lot of concerts at the San Francisco Civic, in the 1980s, and often walked past City Hall.

You live in a famous Pacific Heights mansion. I’ve driven through Pacific Heights.

We both root for the 49ers and Giants. We both suffer for it.

We both know that the best dim sum in San Francisco is not found in Chinatown.

It’s almost like we’re related!

So, I come to you as an old friend, Senator. Almost as a relative!

I want to be Attorney General.

Of the United States.

Granted, I’m not a lawyer, but I do meet the new minimal qualifying standard, as recently articulated by none other than yourself! As our own Kagro X explained it, that new minimal standard is as follows:

Judge Mukasey is not Alberto R. Gonzales.

I am now going to do something I have long contemplated, and occasionally feared. I am going to out myself. Only a dozen or so people on this site know my real name, and since no one else would ever recognize it, I will only out myself to the degree necessary to prove I am qualified to be Attorney General.

Senator:

Turkana is not Alberto R. Gonzales.

Now, I know this fact will guarantee your support for my candidacy. I will add what should be a couple other qualifying facts:

1) Unlike the man who is so eminently qualified to have appointed Judge Mukasey to be our nation’s chief law enforcement officer, I have never been arrested. Not even once.

2) I can state, unequivocally and on the record, that waterboarding is torture. I can state that it is wrong. I can state that it is illegal. I can state that it is immoral.

Of course, those final two points are really just window dressing. They don’t really matter. I’m just showing off, and burnishing my resume. So, I return to the key and irrefutably qualifying fact:

Turkana is not Alberto R. Gonzales.

Now, I am fairly confident we will have a Democratic president in 2009. I am a Democrat. I have been since I first registered to vote, when I was first legally able to, at age eighteen. As a fellow Democrat, as an old friend, and as someone who is almost family, I am counting on you to suggest I be nominated to be Attorney General, and help smoothly usher me through the confirmation process. In fact, I hope you will be so gracious as to introduce my nomination to the Senate, as you did that of another old friend.

Respectfully yours,

Future Attorney General Turkana