( – promoted by NLinStPaul)
I want to make a point, but in order to do so, I’ll have to give you some background. So I hope you’ll stick with me.
I was born into a family with several large personalities. Somehow, very early on, I decided to stay in the background and observe. Oh, and did I mention that those large personalities were pretty dysfunctional. I guess it seemed safe to stay out of the fray. And given that those large personalities were also kool-aid drinking right wing christian fundamentalists, it might have been the reason I managed to escape the cult. So all in all, I think it was a pretty good decision.
It wasn’t until I was almost 30 that I started to speak up. The story about how that happened should probably be saved for another essay, but suffice it to say, I learned to trust my own voice.
I’ve always loved this poem by Marge Piercy that captures it all:
Unlearning to not speak
Blizzards of paper
in slow motion
sift through her.
In nightmares she suddenly recalls
a class she signed up for
but forgot to attend.
Now it is too late.
Now it is time for finals:
losers will be shot.
Phrases of men who lectured her
drift and rustle in piles:
Why don’t you speak up?
Why are you shouting?
You have the wrong answer,
wrong line, wrong face.
They tell her she is womb-man,
babymachine, mirror image, toy,
earth mother and penis-poor,
a dish of synthetic strawberry icecream
rapidly melting.
She grunts to a halt.
She must learn again to speak
starting with I
starting with We
starting as the infant does
with her own true hunger
and pleasure
and rage.
One I found my voice, I vowed angrily, that no one would EVER shut me up again. I’ve paid a price for that at times, finding distance and judgement (especially from women) as I speak my mind.
Then, in 2004 I found progressive blogs. As most of us, the first place I found was dkos. It was on the heals of a HUGE disappointment for me in seeing the fall of Howard Dean, but mostly, through the experience I found I was not alone in how I was feeling both then and after the election.
But here’s the funny thing. I lurked for many months – never even signed up. There were no comments from me, much less any diaries. When the pie fights exploded, I began to explore other blogs and found a place that seemed to be more broad in its focus and a little more accepting and calm. What was amazing to me is that, within one week I had not only signed up and started commenting, I had written a diary.
It was only at this point that I began to reflect on what happened previously – and it wasn’t pretty. I realized that for the first time in 20 years, I had allowed myself to be silenced again. I hadn’t even seen what was going on as it was happening. And I was a bit devastated. So, of course, I needed to think about how that happened. Going forward, I’ll be much more vigilant that it never happens again, but I think the style of dialogue brought up some of the ways I felt as a child – like it was safer to stay quiet and just observe.
One of the books that was life-changing for me as I was finding my voice was Women’s Ways of Knowing. It helped me validate that people who include intuition and feelings in their “knowing” have an equally valid point of view to those who rely on facts and thinking. We need both to reach our truths.
I say all this because I want to think about other voices out there that might be silenced and could join the conversation and contribute new perspectives if we invited them in. I don’t want to completely generalize my experience, and I know that ultimately my silence was my own responsibility, but I do think there might be others who have their own ways of knowing, but might not feel comfortable if the limits are set too narrowly.
I don’t think this has been a problem here at Docudharma in the past, but as we try to find a way to heal from the recent dust-ups, I’d just like to put this out there as a possible reason for some of the divides. And I’d also like to say to any of you lurkers who question whether or not your point of view and way of expressing yourself is valid – jump in and join the fray. Your truth is needed by the whole and I’d like to hear it!