Pony Party: Let’s Get It On!

There’s music at NOCATZ’s Pony Party!! And he’s giving away free money, too! PLUS, THERE’S PUPPIES EVERYWHERE — ADORABLE, CUDDLY WUDDLY LITTLE DOGGERS, FREE TO THE FIRST 100 VISITORS! QUICK, THEY’RE GOING FAST!!!    

Greetings from Ground Zero for all things silly and superficial (aka, Hollywood), and welcome to the Pony Party Totally Augmented Edition, brought to you by the “30 Minute!! Breast Enlargement” (Great Financing Available!), which I am so not making up.  (Note to doctor: thanks for the bulk mail postcard offering your services, but I’m gonna pass. Small quibble: not sure how many anatomy classes you missed in medical school, but re: the “scarless, soft, natural” breasts you’re offering – those are already standard equipment on all the Double X chromosome models. Just thought you should know…)  

Burning Pony Party Question du Jour – forget that time’s running out on the annual epidemic of madness, honoring the holy trinity of Visa, MasterCard and American Express, during which otherwise sane people part with way, WAY more money than they should and spend the next eleven months looking for a country that has no extradition treaty with the U.S. regarding consumer debt.  

Let’s get right to the good stuff – New Year’s Eve, baby! This entire year has pretty much sucked big time. Just like many of those before it. So how about something different? Something – hmm, what’s that word? Starts with an “FU”-no, not that one, the one you never hear anymore. Oh, yeah, FUN!

You know you want it! Even if you can’t remember what it feels like to laissez les bon temps roulez! So let’s get busy, party people. Let’s put aside our pathetic pleas for justice and begging for an end to torture and wiretaps. Take a deeeeeeeep breath, and exhale. Good! Now visualize the Republicans (and a pretty good chunk of Democrats) where they belong — featured on “America’s Most Wanted: Multiple Felonies with No Plea Bargains Allowed Special Edition”! Feel the tension fall away as your jaw finally unclenches and your hair stops standing on end. Very nice!

Now let’s keep it going by indulging in a little fantasy: If you could spend New Year’s Eve partying — guilt-free, with no regrets and no need to hire a good defense attorney afterward — with anyone on the planet, who would be the lucky person?

Giddyup! And remember: Do not rec the Pony Party (Seriously, you were going to rec this??? How drunk are you? Give me the car keys right now, okay?) Just divulge your innermost fantasies for December 31 and begone with you, while I snicker over your choices stand in awe of your outstanding taste. The critically acclaimed Front Page awaits, with late-breaking news, insightful analysis and actual substance, none of which you’re in danger of finding here