(1) Books that promise to tell me “why the left is right and the right is wrong.”
I don’t need the help, thanks. Anyone who does should not be reading this book — as it will surely result in me having to associate with Democrats who are Democrats for all the wrong reasons. I want shallow conversations, I’ll talk to a Republican.
(2) Books of poetry written by songwriters.
If it wasn’t good enough for your last album, I’m not dropping 20 $ on it. Keep it on stage, loser.
(3) Books with subtitles that begin with a misuse of the word “How”.
God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
by Christopher Hitchens (Author)
Crazies to the Left of Me, Wimps to the Right: How One Side Lost Its Mind and the Other Lost Its Nerve by Bernard Goldberg (Hardcover – April 17, 2007)
Day of Reckoning: How Hubris, Ideology, and Greed Are Tearing America Apart by Patrick J. Buchanan (Hardcover – Nov 27, 2007)
There Is a God: How the World’s Most Notorious Atheist Changed His Mind by Antony Flew and Roy Abraham Varghese (Hardcover – Oct 23, 2007)
Consumed: How Markets Corrupt Children, Infantilize Adults, and Swallow Citizens Whole by Benjamin R. Barber (Paperback – Mar 10, 2008)
War on the Middle Class: How the Government, Big Business, and Special Interest Groups Are Waging War on the American Dream and How to Fight Back by Lou Dobbs (Paperback – Sep 25, 2007)
The Second Civil War: How Extreme Partisanship Has Paralyzed Washington and Polarized America by Ronald Brownstein (Hardcover – Nov 1, 2007)
No, sorry, hack. If you don’t, or rather your agent doesn’t, know the difference between “how” and either “that” or “why” (better yet, just to delete the first word altogether) you’re not getting my money.
(4) Collections of columns by columnists.
You writee book, I buyee book. You no writee book, I no buyee book.
(5) Books written by stand-up comics.
Unless your name is Steve Martin, I’m not buying your book. Chapter titles such as “The Battle of the Sexes: Toilet Seat Edition” do not make we want to stay up half the night, howling in laughter. Keep it on stage, loser. Better yet, keep it at home.
(6) Any book with an “Oprah’s Book Club” sticker on the cover.
If it looks like a good book, I’ll find a different copy. The calories I waste tearing off that horrid symbol of Cultural Monotheism would be better spent changing the channel on my TV.
(7) Novelizations of movies.
Though I will consider sonnetizations of architecture or stream-of-consciousness-i-zations of reality TV.
(8) Any book by Nelson DeMille. Period.
I made the mistake of being a passanger on a road trip with Wildfire playing on audiobook. I want my soul back, you miserable hack.
(9) Crazy Wacky Romantic Adventures.
He’s a forensic tax accountant. She’s a former trapeze artist. Together they find adventure and romance and fun! in the ice caves of Antarctica.
(10) Fantasy Science Fiction.
Elves on Interstellar Frigates. No. No, really. That’s fine. Thanks. But no.