Pony Party: Coming Up Lame!

     A great big Hollywood-style, cleavage-flashing welcome, Pony Party People, from both me and my very newest BFF, the legendary Miss Carmen Electra (save the snide remarks, okay? Without her there’s not going to be a whole lot of cleavage going on, so just be nice, you hear?). Tonight’s very special pre-Valentine’s Day edition of the Pony Party is brought to you by Carmen’s latest venture, the “Electra-Pole Professional Pole Kit,” which combines just two of her many talents — dancer and an “expert in seduction” – in one exciting product!  

    Right about now, you’re probably wondering, “Just how exciting is it?” Well, according to the press release:

“It’s the first professional dance pole designed for use in the home.”

    Pretty great, huh? In fact, they could stop the sales pitch right there, if you ask me, right after the words “professional dance pole.” Because here’s something we can probably all agree on – those amateur poles are just not happening. And now, thankfully, those days are over!  

    So far, so good. But wait … there’s more! Just in case you’re not convinced yet, the British distributor, Peekaboo Palace, has come up with the Five Big Reasons to Buy.  

1.   “Ready to unleash your inner sexiness?”   (Oh, hell, yeah — who isn’t?)

2.   “Perform any kind of move, like spins and flips and even inverts.”  (Excellent, I been waiting to cross those off the To Do list.)

3.  It “goes up and down” in a mere five minutes.  (A personal favorite — no more time wasted on account of pesky set-up problems with those amateur poles.)

4.    Perfect for experts and beginners, too, the Electra-Pole will have you “dancing and spinning around with more basic moves as you find your pole dancing feet.” (Feet? Pole dancing is about feet? Okay, if you say so.)

5.    “It will help you get the body of your dreams today!” (First thought – somebody’s been hitting the hyperbole bottle pretty hard. But who knows? Maybe it really depends on what body you’re dreaming about.)  

     Okay, I’m reading your mind now and you’re thinking – damn, moneysmith is right! What an outstanding Valentine’s Day gift, even better than that toaster oven/half gallon of Gentleman Jack/Sears Craftsman drill set I gave her last year. No argument here. However, before you order, there are a couple other cautions to keep in mind, according to the Peekaboo Palace website:

    * When using with plasterboard ceilings the Electra-Pole must always

    be erected under a ceiling joist. (Kudos to the copywriter – excellent choice of verb!)

    * Only use the Electra-Pole to the extent of your own abilities, do not attempt dance

    moves you are not confident in performing. (Honestly, this is always good advice,

    pole or no pole.)

    While I’m thrilled to endorse Carmen’s brainchild as a gift with the potential to keep on giving, it’s that last caution that convinced me to personally pass on the Electra-Pole. There are pole dancing classes at the gym I go to. I haven’t tried it yet, mainly because – not being the most coordinated person in the world — I have a feeling it won’t end well and I really don’t want to show up at the emergency room in one of those outfits they wear and have to explain to a doctor what I was doing when the accident occurred. There are easier ways to completely mortify yourself, trust me. But these are the subject of future Pony Parties.

    Remember, do not Rec the Pony Party, even though you’ve just gotten a lot of great tips about Valentine’s Day gift-giving, and had a chance to hang out with Carmen Electra and company. Flip, spin and invert here. Then take those dancing feet on over to the Front Page, and Recent and Recommended Diaries, where you’ll find celebrity-free, socially acceptable and intellectually challenging fare. (Geez, at least try it – if it makes your head hurt, you can always come back here.)