Pony Party: Now Who Looks Like a Dope?

(how about a little levity???  join us in a Pony Party. all lurkers and regulars welcome.   – promoted by pfiore8)

     Welcome to the Pony Party Special Hands-Free Edition, brought to you tonight by Dr.  Phil, for so astutely diagnosing Britney Spears as being “in dire need of help.” Thank you, Dr. Obvious. The guys down at the tractor pull were saying this last year, and the four-year-old next door phoned it in way before you did. But the good news is you’re now a leading contender for the first annual Bill “Diagnosis by Video” Frist Award for practicing medicine without any apparent medical knowledge.

    And now, without further ado, we present a very special Pony Party segment — “Now Who Looks Like a Dope?” complete with re-creations from the Los Angeles Chapter of the Archives of Overhead Cell Phone Conversations.      

Exhibit A:

“Hi, it’s me. I’m at the airport, waiting. Yeah, the plane’s late. So whatcha doing? Do-nuts! Where’d you get do-nuts? Did he like them? Yeah, I know, he loves those ones. I like the ones with the different colored frosting. Or the chocolate sprinkles, those are good too. Sometimes at work we get the kind that are like all cake or something, those are nice. But not the powdered ones, I hate those. That stuff gets all over my face.”  

Exhibit B:

“He did — he said that? And what’d you say? And then what’d he say? He did? And what’d you say?  What? For real? And what’d you say then? Serious? And then what’d he say? So what’d you tell him? (laughter) That’s a good one. And then what’d he say? Well, how could he say that?”

Exhibit C:

“Okay, I’m in the bread aisle now…Let’s see. The sliced kind or rolls? No, only sourdough. Yeah, there’s seeds on it.  Yeah, the little ones that get stuck in your teeth. Okay, I’m going over to the chips and sodas. You want Fritos?  They have hot and spicy or cool ranch are good.  Should I get some Diet Coke? Okay, after I leave here, I have to go back to the office for a while and then I’m going to the drycleaners and I have to pick up some stuff at the drug store later, but I’ll be over tonight. Yeah, I’ll call first.”  

    I’ve been collecting overheard cell phone conversations for a long time. Based on the samples above, and many, many others just like them, all I can say is, “Thank you, techno gods, for giving us the miracle of cell phone communication, because clearly it is a gift to humankind. How did we survive before we were able to instantaneously relay this kind of vitally important information to one another? Honestly, I have no idea.  

    Sarcastic?? Me???? Nuh-uh! Miss Sincere here. Sure, I used to think cell phones were stupid and annoying, and conversations like these were banal beyond belief. My bad. I just didn’t realize how important it is for citizens of a nation at war, who are sitting on a powder keg economy with a lit fuse deficit and crumbling infrastructure, not to mention facing an ongoing constitutional crisis, to thoroughly deconstruct donuts, secondhand conversations and shopping trips.  

    So what changed my mind? I ran across this survey at National Geographic (http://tinyurl.com/ysrud9) showing that out of 34 nations, America ranks next to last when it comes to the number of people who believe in evolution. And apparently, we’re slowly working our way toward the bottom.  

“Researchers point out that the number of Americans who are uncertain about the theory’s validity has increased over the past 20 years.”

    Add in there the fact that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, another non-believer, has started moving up in the polls and you’ve got to wonder – is it really just a few lunatics skeptics who wouldn’t want to buy Darwin a drink? Or has all that slick “science” stuff suckered some of us into believing humans evolved from primates (pretty goofy, if you think about it!)? Clearly it’s time to get a clue, and what better way to do it than revisiting regular people’s cell phone conversations to see what important information we might learn from our more enlightened fellow citizens.  

    Actually, in the first instance, I didn’t know anyone still ate do-nuts, so right there I learned something. Also, I was able to gain a whole new perspective on types of donuts that are available – and now all I can say is, what primary? People, wake up and smell the pastries! This election thing will work itself out. We need to pay more attention to baked goods, like normal Americans. (Meanwhile, I am hopeful that maybe one day some genius will come up with something that woman could use to remove powdered sugar from her face. Come on, inventors! Get busy – you can totally do this!!)  

    The second conversation gave me a brand new perspective in communications. I had no idea it was possible to converse while using less than 100 different words, most of them consisting of no more than two syllables! What economy of language! What conciseness! Outstanding work, distilling needless verbiage down to its essence. Continue in that vein and soon we’ll have communication streamlined to nothing more than grunts and squeaks. (It won’t be hard. Listen to any show on Fox News – they’re almost there now.)  

    The third conversation made me realize how remiss I have been about keeping friends updated on my whereabouts, in minute and mind-numbing detail. Yes, the “I’m in the bread aisle” guy opened my eyes, truly he did. ‘Holy shit,’ I said to myself, ‘my friends, too, deserve to know where I am at all times,’ and I’ve started calling to give them progress reports. Lately, I’ve had to leave messages, though – for some reason, they don’t seem to be home as often as they used to be, but whatever. When they check in, they’ll realize that I was not only in the bread aisle, but in frozen foods, paper goods and produce, too! I call from the parking lot, also, just to let them know the shopping’s done and I’m on my way home – or possibly on to the dry cleaners, drug store or gym. What are friends for?

    Thanks to the combination of cell phones and average citizens, my knowledge base has expanded exponentially in so many other ways. For example, I now know:  

    Green Day’s latest album may not be as good as some other band I’ve never heard of, but it seems this is still being debated.

    Josh’s ass is definitely way hotter than Jason’s. And Josh also drives an Audi. Yes, the Josh who’s totally into video games, that one.

    There are black suede pumps on sale somewhere and they have rhinestones (the actual words were “sparkly things like jewelry,” which – just a guess here – are most likely rhinestones) that can be removed, so it’s like having two different pairs of shoes! Leggings are also on sale.

    Portland and Seattle are now states and Oregon is a city. (As in “He’s moving to Oregon. No, not in Seattle – it’s in Portland.”)

    There are levels of Grand Theft Auto that you can get to without using something or other. It was a compelling conversation, but I lost focus because of intrusive thoughts like: “Cute butt, how’s about following him around the store for a while?” (Note to self: Could this be Josh??? Well, hellllllloo there, honey!)

    The snowboarding at Mammoth was epic for slaying powder, but not so much at Snow Summit.  

    I do not have Demi Moore disease. What’s wrong with going out with a younger guy…. (Oh, wait, that was my own conversation – strike that, please.)

    Just a theory, but it seems that if we could listen in on more of our fellow Americans’ cell phone conversations, we could catch up on a lot of issues where we’re lagging, like evolution and … hold on a second, my cell phone’s ringing. Sorry, gotta go – it’s Josh! He’s coming over to show me some new strategies for Guitar Hero and Final Fantasy IV (Is that not an oxymoron? We seem to agree on everything but this!)

    Remember, the ponies do not like it when you Rec the Pony Party. And if you do it anyway, they will find you and leave little tiny Pony sized “presents” in places where you’ll step on them. At night. In your bare feet. Get it? Good. Giddy up, and when you’re done here, please, for god’s sake, do yourself a freaking favor and move on to the Golden Globe-nominated Front Page (there’s no fact checker here, is there?) and Recommended and Recent Essays. I would do it myself, but Josh will be here soon – and he’s bringing his joy stick!!