The library was too close to bike, so I made my way over on foot and tried to cram for two hours, but I couldn’t focus and periodically fell into sporadic catnaps. I jerked awake after one of them, feeling bulldozed, with just a hint of the nightmare still flickering across my mind. I could almost smell the smoke in my dream, but I pulled free before the calaveras arrived, and I had no chance to give in to the small shiver of fear rippling across my skin as I got up and hurried to class.
UPDATE: Edited a bit per helpful suggestions…
The test didn’t go badly, but I was already over it before the period ended. I turned in my paper, got my stuff and left. I’d been distracted the entire time by the TV images of the fire back home, and was still fretting about it when I swung into my empty dorm room and picked up the phone.
The fear kept trying to check in as-in quick succession-I was shoved at the answering machines of everyone who might know what the fuck I’d been doing with my life yesterday. I called home first, though I knew R.J. would probably still be at school (if it was open), and I was surprised to find my stepdad gone too.
Panic’s suite was almost ready as I left a quick message for my girlfriend Nadia, calling her even though she too would be either at school or running through her floor routine at the gym. Derek Haynes, my usual ride to OC, was my last shot. I called the number of his I.V. apartment, but one of his stoner roommates who answered mumbled that Derek hadn’t been around all day.
I gave up, feeling defeated. Tried to not think about skeletons or fires as I crumpled onto my unslept-in bed to catch up on sleep. A few hours later I was jolted awake for what seemed like the millionth time today by an air-raid siren that was really the phone ringing. Peter was still out somewhere, so I got up clumsily and stumbled across the room to answer it.
“Roy?” It was Nadia. “So what did you want?”
“Uh, it’s nice to talk to you too Nad-”
“Oh come on,” she snapped, her voice rising. “You have a lot of nerve calling me so soon after everything you did to embarrass me last night.”
Oh, what now? I thought, but held it back. “Nadia, wait,” I said, still trying to regain consciousness, “look, I’m sorry, I really am, but I gotta tell you that I don’t remember last night, or yesterday, or anything.”
Her reply was an exasperated silence. “I’m serious,” I said, annoyed. “I can’t remember anything from about noon yesterday, I woke up in the bushes outside my dorm, my roommate tells me I went to see you all last night with Derek, and on top of that I had one hell of a fucked-up nightmare. I know you all are breathing smoke right now, but at least you know where you were last night and didn’t black out.”
Nadia’s sympathy was still zero. “You blacked out? You had a bad dream? Oh, poor baby,” she sneered. “Of course you did, you idiot- you drank too much at Liv’s birthday party and embarrassed the hell out of me and your brother and probably everyone there. You keeled over after about three beers, totally passed out, and R.J. and some other guys had to dump you in Derek’s car so you’d be able to get back to Santa Barbara with him.”
Embarassment bashed down the door to Fear’s room and beat the shit out of him. “Nadia, please,” I stammered, “I’m really sorry about all that- that doesn’t usually happen to me…”
“Doesn’t happen?!?” she shouted. “Roy, I’ve called at least three times when your roommate said you were out cold from drinking. I know you’re a big college boy now, but I didn’t think you went there to learn to swim, did you?”
My patience evaporated, and I forgot how much I used to lust after the vicious Artemis on the other end of the line. Eight months circling the drain? What the fuck?
“Hey!” I shouted back. “It hasn’t ever happened to me after so few, you know? Those nights you missed me, I’d gone through about ten beers the first time, and then four plus I don’t know how many shots, and I know that’s not exactly, um, sterling behavior or anything, but come on, Nadia, how about a little ‘hi Roy, are you feeling all right?’ or a little concern or something, okay?”
“Ooooh,” she cooed. “Fine, since you’ve demonstrated to me that you can still walk and talk and count, almost, I don’t need to waste any more patience on you. How about you sleep it off some more, and then if you’re very lucky I will give you another call on Sunday after my gym competition.” She said all of this very fast, and I had only kept up with half of it before she finished with a curt goodbye and hung up on me.
Rage promptly heaved both Embarassment and Fear out of the hotel’s sixth-story window. “Fucking hell!” I yelled savegely, and threw the receiver at the wall. It bounced off, hit the floor, and began to ring again. I stared at it for a few blinks before snatching it up again and pressing “Talk”.
“What!?!” I snarled.
“What yourself, man,” said my brother’s voice indignantly.
“R.J.! I’m…sorry bro- I just got off the phone with Nadia and she was bent fucking crooked about last night.”
“I bet she was.” he said, much lighter. “I would be too if you tried to strip me in front of a shitload of people I didn’t know.”
“What?” I said again. “Was I really that out of control?”
“Not out of control, exactly,” he chuckled. “Once you passed out you were easy enough to toss in Derek’s car.”
I grimaced in disgust. “Shit. I’m getting tired of losing, like, dozens of hours this way. I really need to, um, put a lid on it.”
“Yeah dude,” he agreed. “That’s probably a good idea.”
I exhaled and things began to recede. Rage rolled some banana-sized doobage and chilled. Talking to my brother usually had this effect. He was so cool, so masterfully zen.
“Can I, like, make a hard left turn here?” I asked.
“Knock yourself out.” I could feel his smirk through the phone.
“Okay.” I replied, with a lame retaliatory pause. “So, there’s like, a fire down there?”
“Oh yeah. Within the last half-hour it’s blown over where Niguel hits the top of the hill, you know, the other side of the canyon?”
“Wow, it’s that bad?”
“Getting there. At school today they were preparing the main building to be a disaster relief area, with, like, cots and blankets and stuff.”
“Damn. Well, I’ll be watching the news non-stop for a few days, then. Homecoming still on? I was gonna try and get Derek to drive me down to meet Nadia for that too.”
“So far,” he replied. “The game’s scheduled, so the dance better fucking be. I asked Derek’s sister Hannah and she said yes.”
“Oh my.”
“Yup.” We shared a lascivious silence for a few clicks.
“One more thing,” I said, remembering the dream. “I had a real messed-up nightmare last ni…uh, this morning.” I told him about the moonscape, the skeletons, and the fire, and about waking up on the ground, feeling like dead meat.
“Yikes,” he said, a little surprised. “So…you want to know what I think, is that it?”
“Please.”
“How about this: you got wasted and crashed while worried about your Spanish midterm?”
“Well, yeah, but then the whole fire thing is kinda freaking me out, you know?”
R.J. was quiet for a second or two before he answered. “Nah, it sounds like you nailed it, bro. I wouldn’t worry.”
“Uh-huh.” I wanted to believe it instead of wondering what he was talking about. “I just wish I wasn’t so paranoid all the time.”
“Forget it. You called Derek, right? Just wait and see what he says- you’ll be okay with him- unless, of course, you gakked in his car again.”
“Shut up,” I replied, ashamed. We talked a little more before he hung up, and it wasn’t too long before I fell asleep again. When I awoke Peter had come and gone; his backpack was slung over his chair. Light from the lamp outside shone into my darkened room. I looked at the ceiling, concentrating on how to make up with Nadia. She hated silly crap like Homecoming; maybe we have a fancy night out somewhere else.
I let my mind wander. I listened to the faint sounds of campus filtering in the window. I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. Nothing from Derek yet, but he took forever to return calls, and if I’d fucked up I would have heard from him, and loudly. I yawned again and tried to let it go, and I guess I did, for the length of a whole night’s dreamless sleep.
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I think I’ll stop after this one to give old man Haynes a chance to catch up. That and I have to be away a bit tonight, so if anyone has anything brilliant to say, I might not see it for a bit. That’s great, of course, because it gives you all time to reconsider before posting. 🙂
I’ve had a novel published, and on my long journey towards publication I learned that “he said” and “she said” and “I said” etc, break up the flow of the dialogue. They aren’t needed very often, it’s usually clear to the reader who’s speaking.
Another thing to stay away from is adverbs, like in “I said bitterly” and “I said apologetically” and “I replied shamefully.”
Here, for example:
“R.J.,” I said apologetically. “I’m… sorry bro- I just got off the phone with Nadia and she was bent fucking crooked about last night.”
What the character is saying makes it clear that he’s apologizing, having “I said apologetically” isn’t needed.
And here:
“Shut up,” I replied shamefully.
That paragraph would probably be better as all narrative, starting with: I felt ashamed and told him to shut up. We talked a little more . . .
I hope you don’t mind the feedback. What the characters are saying is very realistic, characterizes well, and hooks the reader, but this scene would be even better if you edit out the “he/she/I said” parts and cut back on the use of adverbs.