Building a better me

Wow!  Turns out there’s hope for me after all!

See, I was just reading that scientists have created a “tearless” onion by using “gene silencing.”  

Dr [Colin] Eady describes “tearless” onions as being in the developmental stages but if the research progresses well, would like to see them become the household and industry norm within the next decade.

“We have been using a gene-silencing technology, called RNAi, developed by Dr Peter Waterhouse at CSIRO in Australia, that allows us to retarget the plant’s own natural regulation system without expressing foreign proteins in the plant,” Dr Eady says.

“Through RNAi, genes can be specifically shut down or turned off. By shutting down the lachrymatory factor synthase gene, we have stopped valuable sulphur compounds being converted to the tearing agent, and instead made them available for redirection into compounds, some of which are known for their flavour and health properties.”

This is encouraging . . . well, no.  I mean, I know it’s terrifying or disturbing for those who are not overjoyed at the prospect of genetic tinkering with our food.  

But it’s encouraging, to me . . . personally.  See, I see this as the first step toward building A Better Me™.  Turn off a couple genes.  How simple . . . I could be so much better if I, too, were tearless!

I have wasted so much time crying.  I cried about my sins; I cried for redemption; I cried because I hurt myself; I cried because I hurt somebody else; I cried because it was a stupid and hopelessly sentimental movie; I cried because the poor little kitten was stuck in the rain; I cried because my parents put my dog to sleep; I cried because of Biafra; I cried when my son was born; I cried because I had my cat put down; I cried when we got divorced; I cried because I failed to kill myself, I cried because I tried — in short . . . I’ve been a big blubbering mess my whole life.  

And it wasn’t only the crying, it was what the crying said about me.  Babies cry, so I was a baby; sissies cry, so I was a sissy; girls cry, so I was a girl;  weak people cry, so I was weak.  Men don’t cry, so I’m not a man; tough guys don’t cry, so I’m not a tough guy.

But turn off that gene . . . and I’ll Be A Man!

Huh?

What d’ya mean “onions don’t cry?”

But . . .

oh.  That’s what they mean by tearless.

You’re right. Onions don’t cry.

Guess that means I’m not an onion either.

Can’t even be a vegetable right.

Sigh.