News From America!

It’s Thursday, and that means it is time to review the news from that cute little  heavily nuclear armed and aggressive country that lies on your map between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans!

Those adorable characters have certainly been busy! And speaking of Getting Busy, we simply must start off with John McCain and his lobbyist ‘friend.’ (A big wink of the all seeing eye!) As usual, those wacky Americans are in all in a tizzy and a buzz over, sex…..as if it was somehow shocking that an attractive lobbyist would seek career advancement and that a horny old goat would succumb to her charms! (was that TOO catty?) Human Nature and the birds and the bees at its best, it makes the world go round. And if the Senator who prides himself on his ethical behavior (ever since he was implicated in a billion dollar banking scandal that is!) happened to do a few favors for her…well, who can blame him! We have seen this Hollywood script before….oh wait! Our editor has just informed us that Senator McCain is the de facto Republican (an American political party….and come to think of it, weren’t they the ones who were in a uproar over “family values” just a while back? Heavens!) nominee for their presidency! We cannot help but wonder if these “shocking” developments will cause the Senator to withdraw from the race…what merry chaos would ensue!

In other news from the land of Big Macs and torture….

In a somehow related story, those oh-so machismo Americans used one of their Big Guns (titter) to blow up one of their spy satellites…at a cost in development and deployment of only 30 years and simply hundreds of BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars! How precious those little boys playing with their toys are! We are of course all waiting to see who they will bomb or invade next, those lovable scoundrels!

The Brits have had to apologize…yes the Brits! Not the Americans….have apologized for being foolish enough to have taken those America scamps at their word, when they said they were not using British soil for rendition flights.Fortunately, those same Americas who lied to them about the flights in the first place have now given their COMPLETE assurances that the occupants of these jolly holiday flights were not tortured… and that it was all quite legal and that they could show them documents that they had had written that say so! I believe the words…”pinkie swear”….were used. No wonder the Brits were deceived by those clever Americans. Certainly not even they would violate the sanctity and trust of a pinkie swear! But it looks like because of those antiquated values of ‘human decency’ and ‘The Rule of Law’ and such poppycock, it is an embarrassment to the Brits that they assisted in torture. There could even be consequences, oh my, for the blatant illegality of the whole mess! Fortunately the Americas are beyond the capacity for shame for actually engaging in torture, so we will be spared any unpleasant trials and such like.

Oh! And even though those Americans rascals have decided to have some nice trials for those Gitmo folks…you remember them!….they have decided, wisely I am sure (oh my!) before the trials that it would be embarrassing to actually acquit anyone! Wat til you read this! American logic at its pinnacle!

“I said to him that if we come up short and there are some acquittals in our cases, it will at least validate the process,” Davis continued. “At which point, [Haynes’s] eyes got wide and he said, ‘Wait a minute, we can’t have acquittals. If we’ve been holding these guys for so long, how can we explain letting them get off? We can’t have acquittals, we’ve got to have convictions.'”

I’m afraid this reporter simply cannot take anymore. They are after all simply adorable in small doses, but like chocolate, if you take too much you will simply be sick….so ta ta for now, children!