GBCW (?)

Although I have thoroughly enjoyed my 9 days at Docudharma, the cruel realities of capitalism are beckoning me toward greener pastures.  The blogging world is a cut-throat competition filled with endless choices.  And I have heard the siren song of . . .

Paris Hilton.

She needs a new best friend.  And will stop at nothing to get one.  Her new web site is soliciting new soulmates as we speak.  Applicants need to submit a 90-second video and write a blog entry that appeals to Paris’ short attention span.  Then the concerned public can vote on Paris’ web site to narrow the field to 20 finalists.  We will then all be treated to a new reality show where Paris will choose her BFF from those 20 lucky candidates.

Paris does have some minimum standards for a best friend:

You must be 18 years or older (and should appear to be between the ages of 18-24) and a U.S. citizen to register as a hopeful.

I can just imagine Paris discussing these requirements with her lawyers:  “Foreigners?  Ewwwwww!”  And the age requirement is going to be a problem for me.  I’m well north of both being 24 and appearing 24.  I had the appearance of 24 when I was 17 – that was great for buying beer at the time but is biting me on the ass now.  I wonder if plastic surgery would heal in time to submit my 90-second video?

There are guidelines for what to include in the video and blog:

Upload minimum of one (1) new 90 second video answering ALL of the following:

What is the wildest thing you’ve ever done?

If you became a celebrity, what secret would you be most fearful of having exposed?

Why do you think you would fit in with the socialite circle?

Post minimum of one (1) blog answering ALL of the following:

Do you consider yourself fabulous?  How so?

What qualities make you the perfect celebrity BFF?

What similarities do you share with Paris?  How are you different?

It’s hard to stay in the public eye.  How would you maintain the limelight?

I need to get started on my application!  I won’t bore you with stories about the wildest thing I’ve ever done or what secrets I’m afraid to have exposed.  I thought my similarities and differences with Paris would be a good place to start.

Similarities:

1.  I am a U.S. citizen.

2.  I’m not speaking to Nicole Richie.

Differences:

1.  The number of words in my vocabulary exceeds my IQ score.

2.  I have a soul.

What’s in it for me if I win?  A once-in-a-lifetime chance to learn from the master:

Hilton, an executive producer on the show, will “teach the secrets of celebrity living – how to turn your enchanted life into a multimillion dollar brand, how to manage public feuds and always rise above, how to survive scandal and then make it work for you, all the while wearing 6-inch heels.”

That’s what got me when I read it (no, not the 6-inch heels).  After a lifetime of introspection, pondering the roles of career choice, relationships, happiness, charity, and activism in my life, I realized what I’ve done wrong.  I haven’t branded my life properly.  A life with a multihundred dollar brand isn’t fulfilling for me anymore.  I want a life with a multimillion dollar brand, and I need Paris to help me.  

So I hope everyone understands if I spend every waking minute at ParisBFF.com from now on.