I’M WRITING THIS DIARY UNDER VERY HEAVY SNIPER FIRE!!!

YOU’LL HAVE TO EXCUSE THE ALL CAPS, BUT ITS THE ONLY WAY I

CAN BE READ WITH ALL THIS HORRIBLE SNIPER FIRE AROUND ME!

THE SHOOTING IS SO TERRIBLE THAT THE CHOPIN PLAYING ON MY

IPOD HERE HAS SKIPPED TWICE!! YOU KNOW DEATH CAN’T BE FAR

OFF WHEN THE MINUTE WALTZ GETS ALL SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP LIKE THIS!!!

AND I’M NOT JUST WORRIED ABOUT MYSELF, I’M ALSO TERRIFIED FOR

MY PEDICURIST STEPHAN WHO IS SO RATTLED HE COMPLETELY SCREWED

UP THE FRENCH TIP ON MY PINKY TOE!!!!

HILLARY CLINTON IS ALSO HERE AND I CAN TELL YOU SHE’S BEING VERY BRAVE!!!!!

SHE’S NOT SPILLED ONE DROP OF ORANGE ESSENCE CAMOMILE TEA, NOR HAS

SHE GOTTEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF CREAM CHEESE FROM THE PEACE-SIGN

SHAPED CUCUMBER SANDWICHES ON HER CHEEK!!!!!!

BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER SHE AND I CAN HOLD ON! AFTER ALL

WE OPENED A BOTTLE OF PINOT NOIR IN THE KITCHEN A HALF HOUR AGO AND

EVEN WITH THIS TERRIFYING SNIPER FIRE WE CAN’T POSSIBLY LET IT BREATHE FOR

TOO MUCH LONGER BEFORE THE NOSE WILL ABSOLUTELY CLASH WITH THE

CRISPY TANG OF THE BRI DE MELON!!!!!!!

OH, GOD… SHE’S STANDING NOW. SHE’S DONNING HER KEVLAR PANTS SUIT,

ABOUT TO MAKE A MAD DASH FOR APPETIZERS!!!!!!!!!

DEAR GOD, SHE’S PICKED UP THE EIGHT YEAR-OLD NEIGHBOR AND IS USING

HER FOR COVER! SHE’S HOLDING THE LITTLE GIRL IN FRONT OF HER LIKE A

PRE-PUBESCENT MEAT SHIELD!!!!!!!!!

OH– OH NO! SHE’S BEEN SHOT!!!!! BLOOD!!!!!!! THERE’S BLOOD ON HER COLLAR!!!!

IT’S DICK CHENEY! IN THE WATCHTOWER!!!!! WITH A BAZOOKA!!!!!!!

SAY A PRAYER, DEAR FRIENDS, FOR THIS MAY BE THE LAST YOU SEE OF

THE JUNIOR SENATOR FROM NEW YORK AND THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF

THE UNITED STATES OF…

WHAT?!?!?!?

HUH?!?!

OH.

So, um… it appears that… um… it wasn’t sniper fire but a bad fan belt on the refrigerator.

And the blood… cocktail sauce… for the  shrimp… flown in from Alaska.

Never (cough) mind (cough).

23 comments

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  1. a freak…

    and i love your essays

    • robodd on March 25, 2008 at 17:26

    Fear not.  Reinforcements and creme brules are on their way!

  2. I blame Bush

  3. sick bastard tee hee hee hee.  I do so love your writing!!

  4. read this last night – hilarious. Thanks. I am leaving now to try to find a yellow suit for myself.

    • RUKind on March 26, 2008 at 00:30

    Are you sure the wasn’t MARKOS MOULITSAS! In the next STALL!! With a SQUIRMY ROOTER!!!

    Ok. I’m banned. I can live with that. Orange wasn’t my favorite color anyway.

    ;-);-);-)

    Shanti.

  5. I have to get alla my shit offa dis company gomputer.  It’s got a virus and of course the record of every keystroke ever typed on it.  The Microshaft colonoscopy effect I like to call it.  Insert rectal probe to proceed.

    Know where I can get a new job?

    • BobbyK on March 26, 2008 at 07:31

    Whoops I misspoke again. I meant to say very funny!

  6. has one huge wagging tail, and it seems to be red and blue. Funny. I love it when I come upon your silly diaries or essays, they inject some perspective into this surreal primary, not to mention there funny!  

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