1:15 PM: Write title, “Liveblogging this Essay”. Consider whether it’s eye-catching enough. Decide on “Liveblogging the Liveblog of This Live Essay” to give it a “what-the-fuck-is-dude-talking about” effect.
2:16 PM Smile. Take a long deep breath and congratulate self. Eat two Whatchamacallit bars as a reward for a job well done.
2:21 PM: Return to intro, crafting joke with either “platypus” or “marsupial” as punchline. Vacillate… platypus… marsupial… marsupial… platypus. Ditch both in favor of “Sea Cucumber Salad”.
2:32 PM: Wake at desk with small puddle of saliva near head and “xxxxxkkksskkkkxxxxx” on the screen. Wonder what happened. Consider lots of possibilities, then decide on the most logical. Aliens! Go to bathroom and check rectum for anal probe.
2:34 PM: Having failed to find probe, blame puddle on Hillary Clinton and gibberish on Ralph Nader.
2:38 PM: Worry that diary has no political component. Consider discussing the relationship of environmentalism and wealth as it relates to education and generational influences. Decide instead just to put “Iraq” in the title.
2:49PM: Delete “Sea Cucumber Salad” joke, realize its both not funny and extremely biased against aquatic-vegetable hybrids. Pace around in self-hatred, wishing to have attended east coast-school instead of following high-school girlfriend to Big Ten school. Start to hit delete, but stop seeing Whatchamacallit wrappers.
2:50 PM: Eat third Whatchamacallit as reward for not deleting diary.
3:01 PM: Worry whether people will recommend this diary. Worry it won’t live up to expectations. Choose to add another “Iraq” to the title.
3:10 PM: See current President on CNN in background.
3:10:54 PM: Apologize out window to local nannies for using the phrases “fuck-basket”, “shit-brained-spunk-load”, and “dildo-headed-skid-mark”. Bandage third and fourth knuckle on left hand. Search floor for “a”, “s”, “d” and “f” keys. TURN OFF CNN.
3:11 PM: Consider describing a smell in room to give authentic “liveblog” feel. Realize the origin of smell and delete previous sentence. Ask wife when the last time cat has been taken to the vet.
3:12 PM See my almost four year old son and realize that he’s not lived a single day that this country wasn’t at war/occupying another country.
3:12-3:25 PM: Sit silent, stare forward.
3:26 PM: See same son run BACK through room without pants, carrying a water pistol, and screaming the word “HUNT” only the letter “H” has been replaced with the letter “C”.
3:26:30 PM: Once again apologize out window to local nannies. Employ best “kids say the darndest things” face.
3:28 PM: Call about parenting classes.
3:30 PM: Read over diary. Obsess over every syllable. Choose to move the second “Iraq” to the top of the title.
3:31 PM: Feel a twinge of hunger. Get me another…
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hesitantly open J.L.’s essay.
5:22 Wonder what the fuck he is talking about.
5:23 Smell something really bad and suddenly become spooked at the internets.
5: 25 Wonder if essayist meant animal/vegetable hybrids. Supress urge to link to wikipedia.
5:28 Realize that the dog has gas. Wonder if essayists cat is making dog fart so hideously via some 5th dimensional cat power.
5:32 Wonder if JL’s boy can type.
5:34 check for typos. See that I’ve typed ‘is he’ instead of ‘he is’. Correct. Check again. Debate whether I should change it back, and add quotes. Nah.
5: 37 Post and go get a beer.
listen to “Fresh Air” and realize that is not the song i was thinking about earlier. realize no one is reading my posts nor caring about what i post, so decide to post the other song:
Quicksilver Messenger Service “What about me?” (fairly good audio)
8:38 wonder why jeff abandoned us
Wish we hadn’t talked about something in another thread, it seems to have made nocatz start talking to himself.
9:34 Wonder if nocatz ignoring kj is what made kj start talking to herself, or was it npk?
9:36 See NL is feeling a little ignored.
9:38 Figure times can be worked into nocatz idea if its about sex.
9:40 Realize I have the virus too and am talking to self.
9:41 Going to medicate GrandPig before virus makes my head explode.
wondering if JL is running some sort of test to see how long we’ll keep this up.
8:03 Realize I am not that vindictive and bitter….quite yet.
8:07 Reinstate Jeffrey Lieber after long “yes I am that bitter, no I’m not” internal dialogue.
8:08 Settle for aggressive pouting, wonder about time zones.