Oct 26, 2014 — Economic Woes Continue Under President McCain

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Wednesday, October 26, 2014

WASHINGTON, DC:  President John McCain held yet another news conference on Tuesday trying to reassure a weary public about their economic fears.  “My friends,” said the President, “as I have said many, many, many, many times before, we have the most resilient economy in the world.  Everything will take care of itself somehow.”  Vice-President Joe Lieberman then whispered something in the President’s ear, and McCain then corrected himself:  “Actually we have the fourth-most resilient economy behind China, India, and Canada.  That’s still pretty (expletive deleted) good.”  But the McCain administration has continually struggled with economic issues since taking office in 2009.    

President McCain’s administration got off to an historic start when he ran unopposed in 2008 and won all 535 electoral votes.  Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton fought to a standstill for the Democratic nomination that year.  But neither could garner enough delegates to win the nomination, and their vicious battle continued without a winner right past the general election, when McCain swept to the first shutout victory in the nation’s history.  Obama and Clinton continued their nomination fight nonstop for another four years, but the Democrats could not settle on a nominee for the 2012 election either, allowing McCain to win reelection by running unopposed yet again.

But economic difficulties have dogged the President throughout both his terms.  McCain took office in the midst of a recession in 2009 that began in the George W. Bush administration.  Bush, formerly a staunch member of the Republican party, spent more money in his two terms than any tax-and-spend liberal ever dreamed of spending.  Republicans expelled President Bush from the party within minutes of McCain’s 2008 general election victory.  Bush then applied for membership in the Democratic party, but DNC chairman Howard Dean scoffed at the idea, saying “he can’t even SAY ‘Democratic Party’ — why would we let him join?  It’s Democrat-‘IC’, George.”

Struggling companies saw their stock prices plummet as the recession dragged on into the summer of 2010.  The Beijing Stock Exchange (known as the NASDAQ Stock Exchange at that time) actually saw its index price drop below zero.  “We didn’t even know it could do that” remarked Treasury Secretary Jack Abramoff at the time, “but I got my money out before that so I’m doing just fine.”  The NASDAQ was then forced to sell itself to China to continue trading.  The Chinese government nationalized each company in the NASDAQ as a condition of subsidizing their stock prices back above zero.  Nothing much changed from the consumers’ viewpoint as China had already pirated the technology of most of those companies anyway.  

The president’s economic legacy is difficult to measure since the federal government quit keeping economic statistics in 2013.  This coincided with the death of Alan Greenspan, whose books were the only source of McCain’s economic expertise.  The McCain administration suddenly found itself incapable of even the most fundamental economic policies with no new Greenspan books to work from.  Citizens were forced to implement their own bartering system to cope with a disintegrating economy.  Inflation is thought to be an increasingly serious problem, as the price of one gallon of gasoline has ballooned from four chickens to seven chickens in just the last year.  

The Republican Party insists, however, that the economy is doing just fine.  The Fox News Channel recently aired a documentary about the booming yacht industry (although yachts are only purchased by wealthy Chinese bankers now), and frequently airs stories detailing how wealthy Rupert Murdoch has become.  “If he can get rich off the misery and suffering of others, there is no reason a black single mother in Detroit can’t do it too,” retorted FNC president Roger Ailes.

The economic crisis continues to feed into the illegal immigration problem as well.  But the flow of immigrants has shifted dramatically.  Mexicans rarely cross the southern border anymore as there are very few jobs to be found.  But increasing numbers of Americans are illegally crossing the northern border into Canada in search of work.  And health care.  And housing.  And food.  The problem has become so serious that the Canadian government is considering a border wall across the entire length of the country.  Canada’s prime minister told a CBC reporter last month that “It would be such a huge project that we may need China to help us with it.  They’re pretty good with walls, eh?”  

President McCain appeared to be tired and exasperated at yesterday’s press conference.  His temper boiled over at one point after being peppered with questions about widespread food shortages and the resulting high prices.  “My chef brings me whatever I want,” he began, “and I can’t be held responsible if everyday Americans can’t handle their servants well enough to put the (expletive deleted) food on the table each day.  Your (expletive deleted) attitudes are (expletive deleted)!  Get off your (expletive deleted) and do it yourselves for a change!  (multiple expletives deleted)!!!”  Perhaps the President meant this as a call to action, but it left Americans with the question of whether a grouchy old man had their economic interests at heart, or was just metaphorically yelling at the country to get off his lawn.