Texa-Prima-Strepto-Caucus

So, now we’ve truly experienced the Texas Prima-Caucus, where one could realistically choose to vote for candidate Blueberry Cheesecake in the morning, then turn around and caucus for candidate Rhubarb-Apple Turnover in the evening and, after viewing the results, I have decided… the Texas two-step is a sham travesty of mythic proportions.

After all, its WAY TOO SIMPLE.

Next time…

..we should start with a primary that will be worth 1/8 the delegates, unless a majority of the supporters for the losing candidate where shades of purple or puce in which case the primary will only count for 3/16th the delegates… or 9/31st of a megadelegate… or 11/59th of a terradelegate.*

(*The above will also be subject to a coefficient value index equal to .654% of the overall vote total, relative to the previous primary election held in the same month. But, of course…. that was obvious.)

After the primary will be the three-legged sack race, worth another 1/8th of the delegates, which will be run according to the international guidelines, but, without regard to the Geneva Convention.

Those who survive the above (and “yes” that includes enduring the deportation/rendition sub-event) will be allowed to compete in the Lawn-Jart™/Dog Show, to reapportion delegates who’s names start with the letters T or X.

And before you start bitching and moaning, DON’T WORRY, we will DEAL WITH THE WHOLE Pug/Sausage Dog dust-up from last year before this event begins.

Ok, now things REALLY heat up…

The Canine Jartathon will be followed by Blue Rover Blue Rover (renamed to avoid confusion with either Republicans or the Communists). This stage will ONLY hand out one (1) delegate, but it’ll be a BIG DELEGATE. 6’5″ or taller. At least 250 lbs.

Blue Rover, Blue Rover will be played until one candidate captures all the other candidate’s supporters or until snack break (healthy only, please), whichever comes first.

At this point, we’ll arrive at the caucus portion of election day, which will be much improved by breaking up the state not by region, but by musical taste.

Classical music fans will caucus in one area, disco aficionados in another.

(We’re still working on how to handle the smooth jazz people after the property damage in North Dakota, but if we shut down the Absinthe cash bar earlier… all should be fine.)

Election night will end with an American Gladiators, arena event complete with Vomitorium, but in keeping with the Democratic spirit of non-aggression this contest will be played “flag football” style and in accordance with the ancient traditions of classical Japanese Noh Theater. The candidate whose supporters prevail will get the final 12/53rd of the delegates, reserving 3 delegates for the reduction sauce.

Howard Dean, if you’re listening… no official thanks necessary… just give me the “who’s your daddy wink” the next time we run into each other at the Viper Room!