I know on a day like today one should say something brilliant or witty or insightful on Obama’s speech, but I’ve committed to be the class clown even on heady days and so I offer up my darkest moment of political fatherhood…
With that out of the way…
…its a month ago and I’m watching one of the Republican debates and the tall guy who looks like Guy Smiley from Sesame Street is prattling on about double Guantanimo or some such shit and my five year-old daughter walks in and says…
Her: What are you watching?
Me: (smoldering) The Republican Debate.
Her: Huh? What’s that guy doing?
Me: He’s lying.
Her: Why is he doing that.
Me: (intemperate) Because THAT’S WHAT THEY DO, babe. Republicans lie.
And the moment it comes out of my mouth I know I’ve double-donged the doberman.
First, because that’s not the kind of father I aspire to be… who tells his kids how to think… and second because the fastest way to turn my daughter into a Republican (my darkest fear) is by letting her know I despise those people, thereby fueling a post-pubescent rebellion filled with sweater-sets, Paul Anka music and an obsession with… say… the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Immediately I’m on the defensive and she’s locked in like a laser.
“Why do Republicans lie? What do they lie about? Why are all those people clapping if they’re lying? Isn’t it against the law to lie? The old guy with the white hair looks MEAN.”
So, over the next few days I come up with…
Me: Look, daddy misspoke when he talked about lying. Your daddy thinks, and not everyone agrees, that Democrats, in general bring people together and Republicans, in general, push people apart. And when I see people being pushed apart… I get angry… and I say things I shouldn’t.
Her: Like the F-word Mommy always uses.
Me: Um… yes, like that.
The next morning on the way to school…
Her: Daddy, there are some kids in class who will never play with me… I think myabe they’re Republicans.
Me: (nervous laughter)
Now jump forward.
End of the day. Daughter stays for “after school” and I go to pick her up, but when I get there I see her in the middle of some kid conflict… two groups… the “popular” one having refused to play with the “unpopular” one… my daughter caught in the middle.
So, I remove Jo, heading toward the car, and she turns back glaring at the “populars”…
Her: (like she’s nineteen) Fucking Republicans.
True tale.
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…from the school.
is seeing one of my daughters on a ‘girls gone wild’ commercial…but that republican thing runs a close second…
I’m embarrassed to say that I burnished my parenting skills by placing my diaper-clad son in a mud puddle when he was nine months old. Figured it was one of the true joys of life he should learn.
Better that I’d tried your more cerebral approach to child-raising. My kid might’ve wound up a psychologist instead of a deckhand.
Must be something about water that carried over all those years.
priceless!
blue ribbons for your parenting!
She could become like my daughter, TOTALLY disinterested in politics altogether. She has never registered to vote not even as an independent. And I, like a good citizen and mom, have not given up trying to convince her that her vote does count.
By the way, cute kid you have there. Nice to see you came out of the closet.
for real – or at least a writer – you are too good to make this stuff up day in and day out here and at the KOS. If you are not – you should be. You are really talented.
truly. “Fucking Republicans” 🙂
Is that why, when I call somebody a “f*cking fascist” under my breath, my 20 somethings roll their eyes at me. I need to look into this more deeply.
Please keep them coming… we need all the laughter we can
get 😉
I’d buy her an “I Read Banned Books” t-shirt for her birthday. (I did buy all four of mine those for Christmas several years ago. They still wear them.) It’s something you can embrace without feeling awful about it. That and we always had to have discussions about what you can use instead of “fucking” in the phrase “fucking Republicans” in mixed company. You are not alone.