Healing

Sidebar:(I told Ria the other day how much I understood her essay; I do that without fever… here is a glimpse in her honor.)

Crossposted from The Wild Wild Left

(Or how music takes me from there to here.)

We are all Gods.

Why do you love her?

She is me.

She is more me than me sometimes, she is what I aspire to be.

I’m not that broken.

At least I don’t think I am.

thenwhatsyourexcusewhatsyourexcuseexcuseexcuse

You were supposed to carry the load because you wanted to.

I did, I do.

But you are angry you did.

No, I’m glad I did. I’m angry she didn’t when I needed it most.

You want to be carried too.

Rarely. I carry the world, why can no one I love ever carry me?

You feel robbed. You are so different, how?

I am different. I am a carrier.

You aren’t different, you acted the same way, needy.

Except when you are.

Except when I am.

I loved her broken.

She can’t love me broken.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Don’t make break into “Whipping Post”….

She didn’t care.

Thats not true.

Broken. Remember? YOU said it.

And whats my excuse?

If its sweet, why do you still cry? I though you left that little girl behind years ago.

I spent a lifetime as a child being called unworthy and picked to death over every tiny thing, you know I did. The one to Blame. Its like once attacked, people smell it on you, have radar for who to rape next; even intellectually rape. They smell victim.

So, how did you beat it?

I walked away from the abusive family. I RAN.

What did you find?

In time…

that I was worthy, was lovable.

So now what?

I have to unlearn victim-hood again, dammit, AGAIN!

Maybe she hasn’t unlearned it the first time.

But she is me, almost.

We were supposed to protect eachother.

shehasn’tthetoolshasn’thetoolsthetoolsthetools.

There are no Angels.

I know.

Who is it?

It’s just me.

So do you love her or hate her?

Yes.

Thats because neither of you love yourselves right now.

Yeah. I know that.

Do you love you or hate you?

Yeah, yeah I get it.

So you couldn’t save your Mother.

Lets not go there, I thought you wanted the crying to be done. I tried so hard to save her.

You were a kid, she should have been saving you from her.

I know, I forgave that long ago.

Why did you forgive her?

Someone broke her, too. Someone broke her first.

WELL?

Ok, I get it, I know.

Not just about forgiving her, dumbass, its about you forgiving yourself.

Someone broke you too.

But I learned to be Unbroken.

It always comes back to Love. Thats how you become Unbroken.

Yep.

There it is.

Again, what now?

Love us both, and remember my lesson from before:

Away from abusers one heals, sees the ones that DO love them. That and I can’t save anyone, really.

Only myself.

Right on.

Be Well.