OK… see… I wasn’t TECHNICALLY lying…

…when I failed to mention that, along with you, I was also dating five other women, three of them pregnant via me, two close relatives (your sister is SO much hotter than I first thought), and my wife of eighteen years. See, though nothing I said was accurate, I was simply employing enhanced truth-telling techniques, which, apparently, President George Bush approved from the oval office!

And I wasn’t REALLY stealing, when I used your social security number and bank account records to embezzle in order  to  purchase betamax Bette Midler concert footage and arrange a private reunion performance of the band Asia. You have to understand, that though I took all you cash, I was simply using enhanced wealth-accrual techniques, which, apparently, the very-errant-pheasant-plucker and cuddly f-bomb thrower Vice President Dick Cheney approved from the oval office!

And I wasn’t LITERALLY murdering when I went through the streets with that uzi shooting those three dozen shriners as they tried to escape in their cute undersized cars. You can plainly see that though eighteen of them are now dead, I was simply using enhanced flesh-testing techniques, which, apparently, future vice-Presidential candidate Condaleeza Rice approved from the oval office!

And I wasn’t ACTUALLY cheating on you when you found me in that hotel room with the six Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, the panda, the randy rhododendron, and the squirmy rooter. It should be obvious to you that though none of the naked people (nor the plant) were YOU, I was simply employing enhanced penis-arousal techniques, which, apparently, former naked-statue-coverer John Ashcroft approved from his hospital bed!

And I wasn’t GENUINELY taking the Lord’s name in vain when I called you a  “Goddamn platypus-fucking, soulless, son of a motherless goat!” Though the B.D.M.I.T.S. (Big-Dude-Man-In-The-Sky) was clearly mentioned and I was plainly perverting one of the known identifiers for the almighty, I was simply employing enhanced Creator-with-the-long-white-beard-degradation techniques, which, apparently, the-only-black-man-Republicans-once-respected-but-now-don’t Colin Powell approved from the oval office!

Similarly, our government wasn’t AUTHENTICALLY torturing when they simulated tactics employed by the Gestapo called Verschärfte Vernehmung. Its obvious to anyone with half a brain, that though SS officers were convicted of war-crimes and sentenced to death, our C.I.A. was simply employing enhanced interrogation techniques, which, apparently, everyone down to the White House cat-litter inspector approved from the oval office!

Now, if you don’t mind I have a very busy day that includes such enhanced bible-avoidance techniques as coveting my neighbors ass, house and female slave!

Cheerio!