Unpatriotic Experts Fret As Handbasket Prices Soar

From HUA News “Your source for news from the Village!”

Standing in the rubble of a once thriving American city, President George “The Torturer” Bush today declared that the…U.S. economy is not in recession.

He declared that it was instead in a totally new phase, previously “unknown to the hordes of the nations unpatriotic librul economists who have been enabling the terrorists who have brutally attacked the economy… by not reporting the good news about our nations economic progress.” He dubbed it, “The Handbasket Phase.” When asked why this name was chosen, he chuckled and replied, “because that is where we are putting all of our eggs!”

To combat this growing threat to the economy, Bush today unveiled a sweeping new emergency economic program dubbed Operation Handbasket. To head the team tackling todays economic non-crisis he has appointed new Economic Czar, Donald Rumsfeld, to be assisted by David Addington, Douglass Feith and John Yoo. They will team with John McCain’s experts to “fully inform the nation that everything is fine and dandy” and that his and McCain’s joint effort will “keep America safe from economistic terrorists wishing to destroy the American way of life” by “spreading hate and propaganda” about rising prices, unemployment and foreclosures. He added that he had given Rumsfeld broad new powers under executive privilege to “do whatever it takes,” and had told them that “this was their baby, go do it.” At press time, this networks economic reporters, all staunch critics of Bush’s economic policies, could not be reached for comment.

McCain added, in what is assumed to be yet another one of the Maverick’s adorable gaffes, that “America is in it’s last throes and the economic terrorists spreading hate have turned the corner on progress.”

[After a quick huddle, the attending press corps all agreed that surely he had actually meant exactly the opposite and so that is what we would report. note to self, do NOT forget to edit this section out of the final piece!!]

Bush continued “Nothing has changed since everything changed on 9/11. Patriotic Americans still have one sacred duty to America, shopping. The America consumer is a historic cog in the worlds strongest economy, and to keep the machine rolling, as some of those cogs get worn down and stand down, new cogs must stand up. To accomplish this, we are also creating the Department Of Homeland Shopping, to ensure that every American does his or her duty to the economy.”

Asked for comment on the New Department, McCain smiled his brilliant, heart stopping smile and, with his usual adorable disarming candor stated “Of course we will have to invade Cuba to expand certain facilities there which don’t exist to house those Americas who refuse to do their patriotic duty.” At the time this goes to press, we have still not received clarification from his campaign as to what he was really saying.

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In a completely unrelated item, since “former” oil executives Bush and Cheney took office, the price of gas has more than doubled with much higher prices to come as the price of crude has doubled in the last year alone, the effects of which have yet to be fully felt by the cosumer. Thus starting a spiral that is driving up the price of everything the American consumer buys, making ethanol profitable, ad thus driving a worldwide food shortage.

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Update: We still have not received clarification on McCain’s statement regarding invading Cuba and imprisoning America consumers, so we will just ignore it and continue to report that he is a credible candidate for President.