Burro Being a Dumb Ass or Shit You Will Never Get To Read

As a May Day gift, here are a few articles I have written you will never get to read.



But the headlines are still pretty funny:

Dick Cheney Shoots Easter Bunny in the Face

New Pope Tired of Hearing How John Paul Did Easter

Real Estate Raves All the Rage

Players Begin 26-Week Sojourn into Dark Heart of the NBA Play-Offs

U.S. State Department Declares Iraqi Civil War Uncivilized

Local Thrifty Nickel Offended By ‘Non-Serious’ Journalism

TA Got Her Position With T&A

Study Break Lasts 2 Weeks

People Trusting Brain Chemistry To Dude Who Failed Chemistry 101

Cilantro Skipped At Taco Stand

Ex-girlfriend leads the league in rebounds, assists

Elementary School Valentine’s Exchange Turns Darkly Machavallian

Fox’s New Reality Show:

“Sex with Celebrities”

Suffering from Flaccid Ratings

True Love Cost Area Man $2.99 a Minute

Heart Eclipses

Lonely Hearts Club Overcrowded

Detroit to Include Rioting at Super Bowl Experience

Cheney to Ask Wizard of Oz for a Heart

Area Man Recycles Last Years New Year’s Resolutions

Remember When the USA Got Excited for the Olympics?

– see our “Forgotten Golden Era” section

Dick Explores Bush’s Secret Abilities

– page 1984, “I Spy Spying” section

Last Cigarette Smoked Five Times

Microsoft XBox 360 Crashes Christmas

Hard Candy Sales Up at Company Store

– USA Economic Section

Family Christmas Dinner Anything But Silent Night

Off-Brand Toy Received with Off-Brand Joy

Local Hooker Both a Trick and a Treat

Area Church Spook House Scary for All the Wrong Reasons

Too Many Witches Ruins Bitch’s Brew

Halloween Costume a Laundry List of Psychiatric Symptoms

Dadaist Finds Modernity Argument Surreal

Performance Artist Must Keep Reminding Crowd It’s Not a Comedy

Noise Band Quietly Applauded

“I’m an artist” Pick-up Line Proves Worthless at Cervantino

Orchestra’s Backstage Drama Better Than Onstage Play

99 Red Balloons Fly Higher and Higher

NeoCon Con Full of Cons

Horse Penis Logistics Unfortunately Lost on Area Man

Gang Member Reduced to Doing Drive-Bys on Bikes

Incompetence at Kinko’s Copied Across America

Horseless Carriages Going Back to Horses

Enormous Sigh of Relief Registered by Abused Wives Across the Land as Mexico Qualifies for another World Cup

Hotel Darfur Enters Pre-Production

Short Film Director Short on Ideas

Bar Tale Confused for Screenplay Pitch

Producer Only Produces Business Cards

– see Inquisitor’s Inside Guide to Film Funding

Trailer Completed for Unfinished Masterpiece

Badly Played Bongos Echo Relentlessly Across Canyonfor Third Consecutive Night

“Everything for $10.79 pesos Store” a Tremendous Flop

New Bar Guide “The Floors of San Miguel” an Enormous Hit

Bus Bathroom Cures Need to Pee

Midnight Taco Haunts Man All Day

Snooze Hit On Doomsday Clock

Old Dude with Car Replaced by Young Dude with Car

Ghost of Redd Foxx Visits Vicente Fox

Americas versus Chivas going to be a totally different game, next time

TV in Cantina Enters Miraculous 54th Week Stacked on Shady Milk Crate on Most Fight Prone Part of the Bar

Housing Plateau to Enter Canyon Phase

Pope to Proclaims Gottoberfest

Local Theatre Production Actually Drama Queens Out on the Town

Local Method Actor Excels During Filming of Beer Commercial

Traveling Photography Group Comes to Photograph Other Photography Groups

Area Man Leaving After Next Drink

Trial and Error Business Plan Heavy On The Errors

Dog With Three Tortas Laughing at Us All

Traffic Upgraded from Jam to Molasses

Parrot Performs Brilliantly in Bar Bet

Porn Movie Features Enormous Plot Holes

Desperate Cry for Help Disguised As Art Opening

Legislators Propose Innovative Traffic Solution:

Widen Lanes, Add More Cars

Hockey Season Passes Like a Ship in the Night

That Wasn’t Cheese

One Trick Pony Three Tricks In

Mas Inquisitor / More Inquisitor

Bad Tan Lines

Iraq Achieves Salvadorian Democracy

Fox News to Fill Vacant Supreme Court Seat

Area Man Knows Sims Neighbors Better Than Real-Life Neighbors

Cheney’s Undisclosed Secret Underground Location Revealed to be Halliburton Boardroom

Scandal Fatigue Leads to Dictator Fatigue

Lecture Series to Lecture about How to Start Lecture Series

Is it too early for Tsunami Jokes?

Santa Claus Detained By Homeland Security

Bush Puppet Show Cancelled

Damage Plan Could Have Used Insurance Plan

20th Anniversary of the 1984 Christmas Season”Great Cabbage Patch Doll Wars”

Goes Unobserved

US Dollar Prepares to Make the Weimar Mark Look Like the Pound Sterling

Snowball Fight Snowballs Into Snowball War

New Year’s Resolution Broken At New Year’s Brunch

American Elections Sadden World, Delights Satan

Area Man Kills Wife Sloppily Hoping to Land Celebrity Trial

Snowbird Given a Snow Job

See Real Estate Section

Crackhead’s Head Cracked

Local Bathroom Just 15 Feet Too Far for Local Tourist

ODB DOA

CBS Starts First “Reality”-based Nightly News

Baby Brothers Arms Do Not Re-attach Like Barbies

Electoral College Graduates No One

Area Man Decides to be Zorro for Fifth Year Straight

Goblin Mask Actually Not Mask at All

Happy Hour Math: 2 for 1 actually equals 8 for 4

Nadar Campaign Nearing Spinal Tap Phase

Demand for Circus Trained Freaks at All Time High Among Local Employers

Bush Promises Complete Recount to be Finished Before the End of His Next Term

Lion Settles Score with Lion Tamer

Reality Show About Making a Reality Show Planned

President declares Bush English the new American Standard,

52 English Professors on Suicide Watch, 10 Dead to Date

China Secretly Giggling at the Rest of the World

Area Paper Reduced to Roulette Based Editorship

Big Mac Attack Claims the Life of Another Gringo Tourist

Local Playwright has Player’s Block

Struggling Actor Still Excellent Waiter

US House of Representatives Votes to Abolish the US Senate

Supreme Court Excuses the House of Representatives from Duty

Bush asks the Supreme Court to Step Down

News from the Rest of the US: All Quiet on the Potomac

Sudan Enters Lovecraft-Level of Hell

Both Bushes Declared The Best 3 Year Presidents Ever,

Too Bad it’s 4 Years

Another Liberal Catholic Senator from Massachusetts with the Initials JFK Gets a Good-Old Boy From the South to Defeat the Worst Republican since Nixon

Money Laundering Voted Into NPO Bylaws

Right Angered by Wrong Righted by the Left

Inner Peace Available On-Line for $19.95

Fox News Declares War on UN

Mechanic Shop Opens Next to Town’s Tallest Tope

Golden Era Reagan Returns to Whip GW’s Butt

Chiva Cooked at Chivas Futbol Party

Ambitious Project Never Gets Past Bar Talk Phase

Bush Outsources War to the UN

Gringos to be issued Sear-Sucker Suits

Area Dog Dressed Better Than Area Man

Triple-Digit Ages in Singles Bar

‘Passion of the Christ’ to be Adapted into Novel

Eco-Tourist Litters

Bush Successfully Creates First Ever Union Between the Shi’ites and Sunnis

Peace Activist Arrested in Bar Brawl

Public Official Getting the Shaft from a Deep Throat Source

Flour vs Corn Tortilla Debate Ends in Death of Two

Tourist Fined for Lack of Frida Kahlo Memorabilia

Burro Being a Dumb Ass

Juice Stand Offers Bees in the Glass, Free of Charge

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Policy Extended to Tamales

China beats North Pole in Toy Production

Genetically Modified Gringos Getting Closer

Green Eggs and Ham Unfortunately Available at Tuesday Market

Shivering Uncontrollably Nowhere in the Monkey Owner’s Manual

Saddam Hussein and Manuel Noriega Share Cell; Trade Torture, Looting and Laundering Tips

Brother’s Re-Hab In Holland Proves Pointless

If No One Criticizes The President, Haven’t His Terrorists Already Won?

Local Newspaper Prints Story About Local Newspaper

Dog Taco Story not so funny at Dog Taco Stand

Undercover Dragnet Yields Massive Drug Bust

Record Number of Cops Volunteer For Evidence Locker Spring Cleaning Day