Through the Darkest of Nights: Testament XVI

Every few days over the next several months I will be posting installments of a novel about life, death, war and politics in America since 9/11.  Through the Darkest of Nights is a story of hope, reflection, determination, and redemption.  It is a testament to the progressive values we all believe in, have always defended, and always will defend no matter how long this darkness lasts.  But most of all, it is a search for identity and meaning in an empty world.

Naked and alone we came into exile.  In her dark womb, we did not know our mother’s face; from the prison of her flesh have we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth. Which of us has known his brother?  Which of us has looked into his father’s heart?  Which of us has not remained prison-pent?  Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone?      ~Thomas Wolfe

All installments are available for reading here on Docudharma’s Series page, and also here on Docudharma’s Fiction Page, where refuge from politicians, blogging overload, and one BushCo outrage after another can always be found.

    I have fears, I have hopes, regrets and bittersweet memories.  They’re traveling with me, they’re part of who I was, who I am, and who I will be.  Forgotten lovers abide within me, waiting to be remembered.  Forgotten hopes linger deep in my heart, waiting to be rekindled.  Forgotten kindnesses are there, deserving of remembrance. Forgotten sacrifices are there, deserving of gratitude. Forgotten promises are there, deserving of fulfillment.

    I have promises to keep, I have sins to atone for, I have debts to repay.  In moments of weakness, I’ve wanted to leave them behind, but I can’t leave them behind, they’ve come along for the ride–every promise, every sin, every debt has traveled every mile with me.  They’re getting heavier and harder to bear as the miles pass, as the days get harder and the nights get longer and the road gets rougher.

    Like me, America has promises to keep, sins to atone for, and debts to repay.  But too many of her sons and daughters want to leave them behind, too many of her leaders have left them behind, they got too heavy to carry, the burden was too much to bear.  It was much easier to forget those promises, to deny those sins, to ignore those debts, to speak of them no more, to just pretend that all is well, to tell themselves and the people they lie to instead of lead that America is still the greatest country on earth.

    Empty words, empty slogans, empty suits, an empty Congress, an empty White House, and an empty future, that’s all America has now, that’s all that’s left.  And so I’m here with Shannon in the heartland of this fallen nation, seeking understanding, seeking guidance that only looking inward can bring, seeking wisdom that only self-awareness can bring, seeking redemption for myself and my country, redemption before its too late and there’s nothing left to do but face the end knowing that I tried, that at least I did that, that I did everything I could for as long as I could.  

   How many other Americans are seeking understanding?  How many others are looking inward, seeking guidance, seeking wisdom, seeking redemption for their complicity in the dismantling of democracy?  How many have the courage to fight back, how many even care anymore, how many even see what’s happening all around them?

    Very few.

    But that doesn’t discourage me from standing up and speaking out, it compels me to stand up and speak out, because if one American does, a few more will, and then a hundred will, and then a thousand will, and then ten thousand will, and then a million will.  It’ll happen, I’ll see it, it’s years away, but someone has to take the first stand, someone has to be the first to speak out, someone has to travel the first lonely miles down the road to redemption.

    So that road beckons us onward, into the high country of Colorado, into the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, towards the Gateway and whatever awaits us there.  But no matter how far we travel, no matter how many miles we put behind us, no matter how many miles lie ahead, no matter where the journey ends or what the destination is, we are still ourselves, we are still the same mortal package of memories, longings, fears, regrets and hard-wired emotions.  

    Unless the journey changes us.

    It’s changing Shannon.  Since her confrontation with Travis she’s been withdrawn, depressed, and unsure of herself.  I don’t know what Travis said to her or what she said to him, but she’s been distant these past three weeks and won’t tell me why.  We were getting to know each other, we were growing closer as the miles and hours passed on this journey, a bond of mutual trust and respect was forming and growing stronger.  Now, in the aftermath of her encounter with Travis, her nightmares are worse and she has little to say to me.

     Shannon is much like Sarah in many ways.  But there are differences too, Shannon is more assertive than Sarah was, but only because she feels she needs to be.  She’s not as trusting, but she can’t afford to be.  She believes in the power of love, as Sarah did, but she has a fierce contempt for people who take advantage of others, she’s never had much tolerance for them, but she had always contained her anger.  It seems that a trigger point was reached during her confrontation with Travis, I think he pushed her too far one too many times, and she erupted.    

    It happens, it’s happened to most of us at one time or another.  Emotion is primal, it’s hard-wired into us, it’s much older than words and far more powerful.  Words can heal, they enable us to express our emotions and share our feelings, but there are times when raw emotion takes control, and forges words into weapons in a psychic furnace of fury.    

    Shannon seems traumatized, but not because she fears Travis, and not because she can’t bear to confront him again.  Her realization that the visceral power of raw emotion took control of her that night is what seems to have traumatized her, she’s had to acknowledge that she’s capable of rage. I’ve tried to persuade her to talk about what happened, I’ve tried to find out why she’s so deeply upset, for three weeks I’ve tried, but she won’t confide in me. She just looks at my pendant and tells me she’s unworthy of the trust I have in her.

   Is another confrontation with Travis coming?  It looks that way.  Will Shannon try to avoid it?  No, that’s no longer an option.  Shannon and Travis are not just engaged in a heated dispute over his pursuit of her, it’s not just a matter of her rejecting him as a suitor, there’s some deeper conflict being waged here.  A psychic struggle is underway between primal forces, it is underway within every soul, it always has been, but the survival of humanity is at stake now, the resolution of this struggle will either bring redemption to humanity, or extinction.

    Here, on this journey, in the heart of the American Midwest, a seeker of peace and a warrior are waging it. Shannon is suffering the psychic consequences, she’s enduring an assault on her mind and spirit that would destroy most people, but she’ll defend herself, she’ll fight back with everything she’s got, she’ll fight her way through this, of that I have no doubt.  She’ll survive this cauldron of trauma and self-doubt, she’ll emerge from this torment stronger, more determined, and far more prepared to face what awaits us beyond the Gateway.