Friday Philosophy: Straight Talk

I would be a fool not have doubts about posting some of the things I write.  I would be more of a fool if I let that stop me from posting them.

I’m a lesbian.  I’m not a gay man.  I’m not a man of any sort, though I am aware that there are many people who disagree with me on that.

Because I am a lesbian, I have the social liberty to speak out.  It’s really hard to find a straight transwoman who will speak up.  Did you ever wonder why?

Disclaimer:  I am not a straight transwoman.  I’m not a straight woman of any form.  It is with sheer audacity that I choose to speak to this subject.  I apologize ahead of time for applying my understanding of what human sexuality is and can be.  We all have our biases and our own ways of thinking.

I’ve met one man in my post-transition life to whom I have been attracted.  Janis Ian’s bass player and I had an interesting conversation while I was waiting for her to perform at Juanita’s in Little Rock in the early 90s.  My therapist’s house/office was just around the block.  I liked the guy a lot.  I have no illusions that his view of me coincided with the image I would have liked him to see.  I am old.  I am not cute.  I was less old but probably also less cute back then.  At best I can hope that I was of indeterminate gender at that point in time.

Being of indeterminate gender is not sufficient for a straight transwoman.  It’s dangerous.  It can be downright deadly.

Now I used to be what is generally called a straight guy.  I know I’m not a gay guy because I once slept with a gay guy, a chicken hawk who preyed on teenage runaways, in order to avoid freezing to death one night in Seattle in 1967.  I did not enjoy the experience.  I’ve also had sex with another pre-operative transwoman.  I didn’t particularly enjoy that either.  But I can’t understand any need to assault either one of them.

A straight transwoman has a huge problem if she doesn’t long to be lonely.  Transwomen of any orientation mostly have women friends.  Some women accept us into their ranks.  Some don’t, but at least we can have a dialog about it.  I spent a lot of effort on that in the latter part of the 90s in order to open quite a few doors for us in lesbian communities.  That some of that effort made it into the written media both embarrasses me and makes me proud of myself.  That’s a strange mixture.

It’s a fact that most of the regular visitors to my diaries both here and back when I was posting at Daily Kos were women.  Seldom could/can I even attract gay men to participate in the discussions I try to generate.  Fact.  Not blame.  Sometimes a whine.

But it is the way things are.  Arbitrary numbers from an anal source:  95% of men feel uncomfortable around a known transsexual woman, and most of them are thinking to themselves, “That’s a man.”  If we are lucky, only two-thirds of women feel that way.

Would it seem unusual for a straight woman to want to have men friends?  Does your answer change if you change “woman” to “transwoman?”  Why?

We transition to do good for ourselves, not to harm anyone else.  We do that for lots of really complicated reasons, but perhaps the most important one is that we feel like women.  We believe that we think like women think because we believe we are women.  No delusion.

We don’t want to “trick” anyone.  We want to be accepted as women, not “fool you” into thinking we’re women.  And jesus is that hard for a straight transwoman who wants to be attractive…or is attractive, even beautiful.

I wonder what goes on in the minds of men who see one of us who is beautiful.  What is the switch that fires if you know…or find out…that a beautiful woman is a transwoman?

What would cause you to jump back?  What might cause your fist to ball?  What might cause a physical attack?  Or maybe just what would turn your stomach?

Some transpeople call that the moment of truth.  Some non-transfolk call that a fight-or-flight response.

Do you fear you are gay if you find yourself attracted to one of us?  Or have sex with one of us?  Is there a point in between those two at which you think you would become gay?

And in the name of love, is there anything wrong with that if you did?

If I were a straight transwoman, I would probably have friends who are gay men…it’s hard to leave the community in which one received some semblance of support totally behind…but I wouldn’t want a relationship with one.  Nor would he be interested in a relationship with me, most likely.  I’m not gay and he’s not straight.

What do you fear?  Who do you fear?  Us?  Or other men?

Can you clue us in?

Transition Conundra Fear is strong Does hatred make anyone stronger? We come in all degrees of beauty all depths of substance all capabilities of love Should cultural imperative so consistently deny us love? The riddles need solving so that lives may be lived and love may be found –Robyn Elaine Serven –June 13, 2008

This is not a blame game.  At least it is not intended to be one.  I am not crazy or stupid and I will assume the same about you.  I fully expect that nothing said here will bring any apparent change your view of gender, sex, or sexual orientation.  I certainly don’t expect men to rush out and date a transwoman just to prove they are not biased against transwomen.

All I desire is open and honest communication.

And maybe the perception of humanity will be different by the time your children or grandchildren are close to the place in life where we find ourselves now.  

Author’s notes:

There are…issues…for lack of a better word.  These issues can cause pain.  I fully expect that someone might say something that might hurt my feelings, might cause me some pain.  But if those issues are never addressed, I can’t grow, you can’t grow, and reality will not change.  I can’t heal and neither can the rift between us.

When I started to write this, I thought I would have to write a fiction piece, rather than talking from any personal position.  But every story I thought about creating about Elaine going on a date came to the point where Elaine had to wonder if she was going to survive the night.

As a transwoman I am aware that every time I go out in public, I am at the mercy of any man who chooses fight over flight, who doesn’t make the choice of walking away if he doesn’t want to know me.  And I know that any man who chooses to be my friend is also in danger.

In such ways are some of us cut off from full participation in our communities.  In such ways do we become those whom people fear.