Call and Response in Kafka Kountry

I recently expressed a limited criticism of points made in an essay.  When I began receiving responses which twisted my words or mischaracterized me, I made a decision and set up an algorithm for myself:  I would keep responding so long as my words were twisted or I was left with an insult or a mischaracterization of any kind.  I tried not to escalate, just defend.  And I would end with anyone who stopped with a neutral remark, such as let’s just drop this or this is going nowhere.  From that simple position, it became clear that unless I allowed an inaccurate statement to stand, the discussion would continue to escalate indefinitely.  The longer I stuck around, the higher the stakes became and the more I was demonized, until two other essays were born, apparently for little other reason than to demonize the person who would not back down.  It was disorienting in the extreme to wander into two essays based on the false premise that 1) I didn’t want a certain person on the site and 2) I simply refuse stubbornly to learn.  Starting from that extreme misrepresentation, hundreds of words were written, many high-minded notions expressed, all kinds of brilliant theories expounded.  It was truly Kafkaesque.  Seeing so many people buy in and participate in what was, more than anything, a trashing of me, has been disappointing but informative.

I offer the following as a mere record.  I don’t expect movement, I don’t expect anything to change.  Please don’t express sympathy for my feelings or ask me to stay.  I’m not looking for that.  I take responsibility for my choices, and I chose to behave in a way that has brought me to this point.  I am not complaining, I am not putting anyone down, I am recording how the experience looked and felt to me.  In the end, this was a lot closer to Alice’s Wonderland than anything I have ever experienced.  By a long shot.

C:  Wise’s quote seems excessive in places.

R:  Wrong.  It’s not excessive.

C:  It is excessive in criticizing watching Leave it to Beaver.

R:  Wrong.  I don’t see where it criticizes watching Leave it to Beaver.

C:  It claims that being moved by Leave it to Beaver is slapping colored people (sic) in the face and calling their concerns unworthy.

R:  Wrong.  It just says that Leave it to Beaver was inaccurate.

C:  Here is precisely what it says word for word.

R:   I think Leave it to Beaver was a cute show.

C:  You may think it is cute, but the author does not.

R:  Wrong.  He was just saying it wasn’t accurate.

C:  He said it was inaccurate and also said finding it moving was a slap in the face to colored people (sic).

R:  We’ve been debating this a long time with no movement on either side.  It’s time to quit.

C:  I agree with most of what is said here, but here are some aspects I find troubling.

R:  Wrong.  I disagree with everything you have said here and here’s how.

C:  I made clear I was not making the claims you ascribe to me, more than once, in my original comment.

R:  Is there any way in which you agree with the author?

C:  I said I agree with most of what he said.

R:  In what ways do you agree with the author?

C:  Here is a painstakingly detailed account of everything the author side that I agree with, including parts I disagree with only in one way.

R:  Okay, I’m glad you agree with those parts.  I’m not going to respond to your original concerns.

C:  I guess I’m asking for a little more focus on healing.

R:  Wrong.  Every healer alive knows there can be no healing without first having truth.

C:  I’m just asking for a little more focus on healing, not that truth be ignored.

R:  Wrong.  There can be no healing without first having truth.

C:  Yes, I’m saying to include the truth but focus more on the healing.

R:  Wrong.  I know you are saying to include the truth, but I’m saying to focus more on the healing.

C:  It feels as though you’re not responding to what I’m saying.

R:  Wrong.  This is just a minor disagreement and you have blown it all out of proportion.

C:  Have you ever seen accusatory truth without the presence of healing lead to progress?

R:  Yes, many times.

C:  I seriously doubt that healing can ever occur from the presence of accusatory truth alone.

R:  I had the experience of creating healing in a particular situation I was in.  You could learn from it. Read this essay.

C:  Surely there was healing energy present also.

R:  You are wrong to respond to me in generalities.  I’m speaking of a specific situation.

C:  That sounds hard for you.  Perhaps it was useful in some way?

R:  Wrong.  It was not useful in the way you say and you need to learn the reasons why.

C:  I think that, instead of discussing my idea, you are dismissing its very worth.  Are you really saying this?

R:  Listen to this detailed experience of mine.  How could your idea possibly have any worth?

C:  Do you think it possible for you to acknowledge any value at all in anything I say?

R:  I see no value at all in anything you say.  I’m not reading all your comments.  I’m not responding to your questions.  Did you read my essay?

C:  I feel you are not valuing my words.

R:  I don’t feel I’m being treated as an individual.

C:  I’m sorry if I’m not treating you well.  Here’s is exactly where I don’t feel listened to.

R:  I’m not disrespecting your words, just not bothering to read them all.  I am hurt that you didn’t read my essay.

C:  It feels insulting to have my words twisted into new meanings, then dismissed.

R:  I dismiss your demand for me to agree with everything you say.

C:  This feels insulting to me.

R:  You’re insulting me.

C:  I am upset by how someone is being treated.

R:  Why do you only care about the feelings of one person?  You are a hypocrite.

C:  I am against making someone wrong by twisting their words.

R:  You are wrong to say no one has the right to use the word “wrong.”  And hypocritical because you are calling others wrong.  Why are you the only person who counts?

C: I insist that you respond to what I say instead of making up things I said.

R:  You are angry.  You only care about your own feelings.

C:  Yes, I am angry because you are putting words in my mouth.

R:  I am angry, too, and I refuse to care about your feelings until you stop caring about the feelings of only a couple of people.

C:  People are trying to tell you something.  Please see if you can allow some shred of credibility to their words.

R:  People are trying to tell you something.

C:  This look likes an old-fashioned Mexican standoff.

R:  This is not an old-fashioned Mexican standoff.

C:  It is crazy-making to be called nothing but wrong repeatedly by several people.

R:  Will you own then that you have been the crazy one here?

C:  What has happened is a complete blow-up manufactured from unfounded accusations.

R:  Some people do things one way, others do them another.

For most white folks, indignation just doesn’t wear well. Once affected or conjured up, it reminds one of a pudgy man, wearing a tie that may well have fit him when he was fifty pounds lighter, but which now cuts off somewhere above his navel and makes him look like an idiot.                          Tim Wise