Osama bin Laden Captured

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By Your Correspondent

WACO, Texas (SNRK News Int’l) – For the second time in a week, an internationally sought-after fugitive has been captured. Osama bin Laden, atop the FBI’s Most Wanted list since 1998, was arrested earlier today in Crawford, Texas, a small town near the city of Waco. Serbian Bosnian Radovan Karadži?, wanted for war crimes in the Bosnian war of 1992-95, was captured Monday in Belgrade.

Bin Laden was whisked away in a convoy of big black SUVs. His whereabouts at this time are unknown. Government sources, who refused to be identified because they are not authorized to speak to the press, said the 51-year-old bin Laden has been living under the alias of Sam Benjamin Jr. A quick Googling revealed that, in 2005, Benjamin won the Dallas-Ft. Worth-Waco-Austin Realtor of the Year Award for exceptional sales volume at his company, Alkiyder Homes and Condos.

Nobody at the White House, FBI, CIA, Transportation Security Administration, National Security Administration, Secret Service, Pentagon, Homeland Security,  National Reconnaissance Office, National Counterterrorism Center, National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency, Dick Cheney’s Cabal, Defense Intelligence Agency or Crawford Police Department would speak to your correspondent on the record about the capture. At the State Department, however, a Miss Condoleeza Rice answered the phone and firmly told us, “There was no way we could have known bin Laden would change his name and move to Texas.”

Exactly when bin Laden arrived is as yet unknown. But exclusive interviews with neighbors and co-workers reveal that he moved into his modest Crawford house in October 2002.

“He’s the perfect tenant,” said Amanda Beauregard-Simpson, the owner of the house that the man she knew as Sam rented. “Never late with a payment, always cash. Always polite, too, genuinely friendly. Kind of sad, though. He doesn’t talk much about his family, but I gather they are estranged for some reason. I don’t like to pry, y’know? Who did you say he is again?”

^{At right, ‘Sam Benjamin Jr.’ at the Alkiyder Homes & Condos Web site}  

Next door lives Reed Davis. He and bin Laden often watched cable television shows together. “He especially liked the History Channel,” Reed remembered. “We also watched some adult movies. He had a good collection. My wife, she says they’re disgusting, so Sam and I hit it off pretty well. Sam sure didn’t seem like any terrorist to me.”

At Waco Real Estate, Coins & Pawnshop, where bin Laden first worked in 2003 after he passed his real estate exam, José Infeliz said: “Sam Benjamin was the best rookie agent I ever hired. The guy could talk. The way he dressed didn’t hurt. Never went for the Stetson, belt-buckle look. Suits. Expensive ones. Expensive ties, too. That didn’t hurt him none with the ladies, neither. His sales were just phenomenal. I was sorry to lose him. But I knew he was meant for bigger things. I wasn’t surprised when he left.”

According to a business license faxed to your correspondent just a couple of hours ago by a source who cannot be named, bin Laden set up his realty business the fall of 2004, leasing a suite in a pricey commercial district of North Dallas. Reached just before she was leaving for the day, Candy Lee Crockett, a paralegal at the law firm of Seez & D. Cyst, which is across the hall from Alkiyder, said:

“Sam is cool. And hot, too, y’know? He was kinda reserved when he first got here. I’m not sayin’ he wasn’t nice, or anything. Just a little hard to get to know. Nobody could figure out why he wanted to commute all the way from Crawford every day. Or why he seemed to have a phobia about using cell phones. And the suits, well, they’re a bit too much, if you know what I mean. But, after a couple of months, he was joinin’ us for margaritas on casual Fridays, and he was da bomb at our Christmas Party two years ago.”

Bin Laden dated three or four women in the building, according to Crockett. After some prodding, she admitted she had gone out with him, too, several times.

“It’s tough for a divorcée once they know you have kids. But that didn’t bother Sam.”

What happened?

“It didn’t work out,” she said.

Did he say something, do something?

“No, he just, y’know, seemed sort of distracted. He was great in public. Everybody loved him. He told the funniest jokes. Did imitations you wouldn’t believe, movie stars, country singers, even doing a dead-ringer on the President. But when we were alone, he …uh…I think I’ll hang up now.”

Repeated attempts to reach Crockett again have been unsuccessful.

Three years ago, having read about the reality award in the Dallas Morning News, Wayne hired on at Alkiyder, running errands, answering phones and learning the ropes from someone obviously going places. Wayne would not tell your correspondent his last name.

“I wanted to learn from the best,” Wayne said. Everything went well at the beginning, he explained. “I’ve never seen anybody who could sell the way he did. Personally, I’m not into all that metrosexual shit, excuse my French, but he was good at it. Then the market just fell apart. Sam didn’t say anything to me, but I could tell he was hurting. Everybody was trying to sell and nobody was buying.”

It was then, about nine months ago, Wayne said, just after bin Laden surrendered his lease on the Humvee and bought a secondhand Civic, that Laura Bush called.

“Laura Bush?” Your correspondent inquired. You mean the Laura Bush? The First Lady of the United States. Wife of George Bush, the President?”

“Yep. Her.”

“You know it was her exactly how?”

“I know what she looks like.”

“You mean she came into the office? That must have caused quite a stir with all those Secret Service agents poking around.”

“Nope. She came by herself.”

“Laura Bush came to the office alone? This two-person real estate office.”

“Yep.”

“What did she want?”

“A house in Dallas. And somebody to sell what she called the ‘goddamned ranch.'”

Your correspondent had recently heard that Mrs. Bush might be hunting for new digs. “The ranch? The goddamned ranch? The one in Crawford?”

“Do you know any other ranch Laura Bush owns?”

Your correspondent didn’t mention Paraguay. “So what happened?”

“She and Sam talked. They hit it off instantly. I mean, the guy is amazing. If you didn’t know better, you’d think he invented charm.”

“Then, what happened?”

“Sam started looking for a house for her. He couldn’t actually show them to her live. Everything had to be completely secret. Not even George could know, she said. So he took her on virtual tours. Dozens of them. Then hundreds of them. They would drink spritzers and sit in front of the computer for hours. She couldn’t make her mind. Back in April, I think it was, she almost liked one. She left the office and Sam was happier than I’d seem him in months. He was whistling. It was Friday and we all went for TGIF, something he hadn’t done for months. Got kinda ripped.”

“And …”

“On Monday, she phoned to tell him it wasn’t good enough.”

“Frustrated him, huh?”

“No shit. Besides that, the ranch wasn’t selling. We couldn’t put up a sign or anything. Wouldn’t have made any difference. She wanted too much for it. Her market mindset was all 2004, y’know?”

“What then?”

“She came in less often. She phoned less. In June, she didn’t call for a whole week.”

“And then, last Friday, she came stomping in, wearing jeans and flip-flops and, I have to tell you, a really inappropriate top for a woman of her age, and she let him have it.”

“Like how?”

“He wasn’t paying attention to her needs like he did at first, he was showing her crap houses when he knew what she wanted, he wasn’t doing anything to move the ranch. He tried to calm her down. I told you how charming he is. But she wasn’t having any of it. Finally, she said, ‘Sammy,’ she always called him Sammy, ‘you better start treating me special again or there’s no telling what I might do.’ That was the last time I saw her.”

Your correspondent is seeking further information from his many, many contacts.