50

I might not be around much tomorrow, having some plans re celebrating spending a half a century on this beautiful little planet, so I thought I would take today to condense what I have learned during my sentence time here on earth.

Tinfoil doesn’t work.



Apples straight off of the tree are very tasty.

The beauty of sunsets and sunrises are impossible to describe, paint, or otherwise capture, so don’t even try.

Tomatoes are not, as once was believed, poisonous.

There IS nothing to fear but fear itself.

Assholes are everywhere, and it is a choice to be one or not.

There is….gasp! …an unconscious but very real conspiracy by the rich and powerful to stay rich and powerful and to help their friends stay rich and powerful.

Sanctimony, hypocrisy and moral relativism are more common than ants.

There is no spoon.

There are, for some reason though, sporks.

Karma is real and inescapable, but does not operate on a human timescale…..or on demand, dammit. Human laws are mutable, the law of Karma is not.

By far….the most beautiful women in the world are those kind enough to invite you into their bed.

Thus do I interrupt myself to tell a joke. A man was talking to god and asked… “God, why did you make women so beautiful?

“So you would love them my son.”

“Why did you make them so soft and warm?”

“So you would love them, my son.”

“God, why did you make them so stupid?”

“So they would love YOU, my son.”

(HA! I am not afraid of those rotten tomatoes you are throwing! I KNOW they are not poisonous! Plus, there is nothing to fear but fear its….OW!)

Most of the violence in the world is perpetrated by men between the ages of 16 and 26. Most of the violence in the world is PLANNED by men between the ages of 40 and 65.

Feeding peanut butter to dogs is cruel, but hilarious.

Laughter is not only the best medicine, it is …perhaps…. the highest function of human beings.

The world would be a much different place if cats had thumbs.

Don’t eat potato salad that has been out in the sun too long. Don’t experiment as to how long is too long.

There have been no truer words written than these: Be kind to everyone you meet, for they are all fighting a great battle.

On the other hand….fuck’em if they can’t take a joke.

Ponies. kittens and puppies make people irrationally happy.

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, there is no key to the universe. The good news is…it has been left unlocked

You can’t reason with emotion. Emotion has a logic all its own, that has nothing…NOTHING to do with “facts.”

Carrot top is not funny.

Human beings, as a species,  have a vastly overrated opinion of how smart we really are. When it comes right down to it on the macro-level, we don’t know jack shit.

Humans as a species part two: Everyone else is faking it too!

Mosquitos do not respond to charm.

If we were perfect, we would be on the planet for perfect people.

From Defending Your Life:

Bob Diamond: For example, I use forty-eight percent of my brain. Do you know how much you use?

Daniel Miller: Forty… seven?

Bob Diamond: [laughs] Three.

snip

Bob Diamond: Being from Earth, as you are, and using as little of your brain as you do, your life has pretty much been devoted to dealing with fear.

Daniel Miller: It has?

Bob Diamond: Well everybody on Earth deals with fear — that’s what little brains do.

Bob Diamond: …Fear is like a giant fog. It sits on your brain and blocks everything — real feelings, true happiness, real joy. They can’t get through that fog. But you lift it, and buddy, you’re in for the ride of your life.

Daniel Miller: God… my three percent is swimming.

snip

Bob Diamond (paraphrased) If you use more than five percent of your brain, you really don’t want to hang out on earth.

snip

Bob Diamond: There was one person you were really cheap with. Over and over again. I wish you’d been more generous with him.

Daniel Miller: Who?

Bob Diamond: You.

There are only three things in life that we have even an opportunity to control: Attention, intention and reaction.

Never eat more than you can lift.

There is beauty in front of me, there is beauty behind me, there is beauty to my left and to my right, there is beauty above me and there is beauty below me. I walk in beauty all the days of my life.

Never try to stop a gorilla from masturbating.

Smile as much as you can, it’s free.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people who divide people into two kinds of people, and people who don’t.

Love IS the answer, but unlike smiling, it is not free. You have to work at it, you have to cultivate it, you have to practice it. The reward of practicing love is……love.

Love Part Two: You do need to love your fellow (wo)man…..but you don’t have to like them!

There is a real and distinct difference between pain and suffering.

Compassion for the poor and wretched is relatively easy, having compassion for the rich and powerful is hard.

Mother nature bats last.

And finally, from Shakespeare In Love

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.

Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?

Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.

Hugh Fennyman: How?

Philip Henslowe: I don’t know. It’s a mystery