Sometimes life (and death) intrudes

I haven’t been posting much lately.  It’s not personal to Dharmakarma. I enjoy it here. Just had life (and death) intrude.  Not looking for sympathy and am not putting this on the front page as it is personal, but do have a story to share for those few (if any) who might wonder where I’ve gone.

About year ago, a dear friend lost her father. She was unable to adequately mourn because, at the time, she was being treated rather badly by some maniacs who’d decided they didn’t like her political positions (which, btw, mirror my own). I moved in with her, as a friend, at first, because I was concerned for her. That friendship grew with my admiration at her ability to handle hardship. There are some people in this world who are simply special.  She is one of them and I love her dearly. However, I did not entirely understand the pain she was experiencing, partly because she handled it so well. Now, through a loss of my own, I’ve come to understand and realise that my support for my friend had been inadequate.

More below the fold…

A few months ago, my friend’s mother also died. With both her parents gone, she was without connection to her history and I watched as people again showed the worst side of their nature toward this wonderful girl. She handled it as stoically as ever. I did not. I found myself increasingly confused by the lack of quality in the current crop of humans I was observing. This was compounded by growing evidence of the damage we’ve done to the world. I’ve been traveling, you see, and have seen things that no one should see. Governments who purposely have prevented relief from reaching their citizens, storms that speed up when they should slow down, jellyfish everywhere — just bloody everywhere…

And then I went back to this wonderful girl who has been orphaned by life and by death and she listened to my problems and my fears and spoke of none of her own. Even after I found out that people, yet again, had interfered with her ability to mourn a lost loved one.  

I offered my support and told her I was there for her and acted like I understood. She looked at me with wise eyes and told me not to worry. I didn’t know what to do other than say what I’d said, so I went on about my business.

Then I heard I that a relative I’ve loved and looked up to my entire life had passed away suddenly; too soon for me to be able to say goodbye.

I fell apart. The pain I’ve experienced since his death has been extreme. Even though I’ve been around family and my history that is still intact and all have behaved with grace and love and my wonderful girl has been there for me, I’ve been unable to reconcile myself with the fact that I will never see or talk to my mentor again. It’s like every bit of sadness and frustration I’ve been feeling about today’s world has coalesced into my grief for a wonderful man who helped to shape the better part of my nature.

I asked my friend about this, how the loss she’d experienced had felt. She described a similar experience. It was then that I realised how profoundly she’d been mistreated, how inexcusable those who’ve hurt her and harassed her and stolen from her and all the things that have happened to her in this astonishing year of loss are and I am humbled by her.

I am angry, as well. My friend, you see, was hounded by a bunch of bigots who followed her into the real world, contacted people that she did business with in an effort to cost her work, did not let up until her friends found out who every one of them were behind their seemingly anonymous chosen names and let them know they knew who they were.  

I am angry because, while they were finding out who they were — the irony being that the assholes were all useless nobodies who’d never have had influence over anyone’s life without the Internet — I took the “high road.” I did not have a frame of reference for understanding the true nature of the crime they were committing. I went along with my friend in her request to just let it go. Others who love her did not and chased them for a while and scared some of them with their real names — until she adamantly repeated her instruction to let it go and threatened to cut her friends off if they did not. She has moved on, you see. But the damage was done. Now I know the pain she’d been experiencing and I’m horrified at how much I thought I knew, when I did not know what I did not know.  

If anyone had done the same to me in my grief, I would have exploded. Perhaps she’s a better person than I am, or perhaps, as I suspect, it’s that society treats men and women differently and women are required to be stronger for it. Perhaps my view of humanity will improve through her efforts once I’ve had time to assimilate my grief, but that will take time. So I have been trying to make up for it by giving her time. Her reaction has been one of bemusement, at first, then understanding, because my reaching out to her is still more about my loss than about her.  

So, I haven’t gone away because of this site, which I like very much. I just needed time to figure out life and death and how much of a bastard I am compared to my friend.