Test Your Right-Wing IQ!

(5 pm – promoted by ek hornbeck)

The nomination of Senator John (the “Maverick”) McCain has caused a lot of consternation among our nation’s true right-wing heroes who feel he isn’t conservative enough to fill President Bush’s shoes.  How can we separate the men from the boys (and the women, and the Hispanics, etc.) in the right-wing movement?  The following test is a simple way to do just that — calculate your right-wing IQ and use it to exclude the unwashed masses who are stinking up our Big Tent!

Record your answer for each of the following ten questions.  The answers and a grading scale are listed below.  No peeking until you have locked in each of your answers.  The integrity of true conservatives means the “honor system” should work perfectly fine to score your own test.

Ready to begin?    

Test Questions

Question 1)  The driving distance between Denver, CO and Seattle, WA is 1330 miles.  An unemployed hippie leaves Seattle for a job interview in Denver driving 60 MPH.  At exactly the same time, another unemployed hippie leaves Denver for a job interview in Seattle driving 70 MPH.  How long will it take for the two hippies to meet?

A)  8.5 hours

B)  10.25 hours

C)  15.75 hours

D)  18 hours

Question 2)  Which of the following is the cruelest form of torture?

A)  waterboarding

B)  sleep deprivation

C)  being forced to read the New York Times

D)  stress positions

Question 3)  The planet Earth is approximately                     years old.

A)  6000  

B)  1 million

C)  4 million

D)  4 billion

Question 4)  The greatest accomplishment of the George W. Bush presidency is                     .

A)  winning the war in Iraq

B)  winning the war in Afghanistan

C)  passing the FISA bill

D)  all of the above

Question 5)  Which of the following is NOT a factor in the high price of gasoline?

A)  lack of refining capacity

B)  gay marriage

C)  oil futures market speculation

D)  increasing demand for oil in China

Question 6)  Word association:  Ronald Reagan is to winning the Cold War as Bill Clinton is to

A)  committing an impeachable offense

B)  presiding over unprecedented economic growth

C)  balancing the federal budget

D)  fighting terrorism

Question 7)  Senator Barack Obama must never become President of the United States because he is                     .

A)  a liberal

B)  too inexperienced

C)  black

D)  an elitist

Question 8)  The only time tax cuts are NOT appropriate is                     .

A)  in a time of war

B)  in an economic depression

C)  in a period of strong economic growth

D)  when the budget deficit is growing uncontrollably

Question 9)  Dick Cheney has most effectively succeeded in his role as Vice President by

A)  forming his own intelligence operation

B)  being tough on terrorists

C)  creatively interpreting the Constitution

D)  scaring political opponents with the threat of a hunting trip

Question 10)  Which of the following will destroy this country we love the quickest?

A)  socialized medicine

B)  immigration

C)  rampant crime

D)  gay rights

Answers  

1.  (D) 18 hours.  A hippie would not have the work ethic to drive that far for a job interview.  Each hippie, as soon as they hit the road, would instead turn and drive to San Francisco to do God-knows-what.  Since Denver is farthest from San Francisco the answer is 18 hours, which is the time to drive the 1260 miles from Denver at 70 MPH.

2.  (C) being forced to read the New York Times.  Waterboarding is not torture, and neither are sleep deprivation or stress positions, so by process of elimination the answer is (C).

3.  (A) 6000.  Look it up in the Bible.

4.  (C) passing the FISA bill.  While it seems “all of the above” is surely the right answer, the true genius of Bush is in NOT winning the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, so they can continue indefinitely and keep our economy (i.e., oil company profits) soaring.

5.  (C) oil futures market speculation.  The free market is never wrong and oil speculators are just doing their jobs.  Gay marriage, on the other hand, is so evil that it is the root of every problem in our society.

6.  (A)  committing an impeachable offense.  Since Ronald Reagan is the one and only person responsible for winning the Cold War, the answer is (A) because Clinton is the one and only President to ever commit an impeachable offense.  Ever.

7.  (B) too inexperienced.  Our lawyers insisted that this be listed as the answer.  But we know the real answer, don’t we?  Since scoring is done on the honor system, go ahead and score your answer as you (wink, wink) see fit.

8.  This is a trick question.  Tax cuts are ALWAYS appropriate whether they are economically successful or not, and consequences be damned!

9.  (C) creatively interpreting the Constitution.  All the answers are true of course, but Cheney’s success in not being bound by the pesky details of the Constitution were the springboard to his vast array of crimes accomplishments.

10.  (B) immigration.  Each of the listed answers is destroying America, but immigration is doing it the quickest by encompassing all of the other problems, since most immigrants are gay criminals that clog up our emergency rooms.

Scoring

10 Correct — Perfect score!  You are a true neo-conservative right-wing American patriot.  Rush Limbaugh isn’t good enough to suck your dick.

7-9 Correct — Hi Senator Lieberman!  Thanks for stopping by to take the test.

4-6 Correct — You’re a RINO.  Switch your TV to Fox News Channel and then throw away the remote.

0-3 Correct — Get a haircut, you dirty fucking hippie!