This is personal and inspired by what happened to pff, better to get it out of my system than to “pull a peeder,” (politicalfleshfeast.com) I hope. Thus do I proceed to whine.
I don’t like “owning” a blog. It is no fun. It is certainly not as much fun as blogging. Sigh, I used to love blogging!!! Especially all the exclamation points!!!
Being “The Boss” blows. It is a burden and a responsibility and the weight of it has caused me to inhibit myself. I do not feel free to be me. My comments here carry too much of that weight, when they are from The Boss and not from good ole buhdy. It is not a weight that y’all feel from me, but it is one that I feel inside of me. Acutely. There is pressure to be exceedingly fair, there is the responsibility to make judgments. I like to think I am good at it, but in order to be fair I have to constantly second guess myself, and when I fuck up, it hurts. I take it seriously. Maybe too seriously. I am sensitive to others feelings and this ‘job,’ as it turns out, involves hurting peoples feelings. As well as the unwelcome task of deciding whose feelings deserve to be hurt. That sucks.
They say that those who want power shouldn’t be entrusted with it, which is why I thought I would do a good job. I don’t want power. I didn’t start the blog so that I could have power. And it turns out, I don’t like wielding power on this level, it is not like construction, where I wielded power for the specific task of building a house. You guys don’t work for me and I can’t tell you what to do. I have to be careful of THAT too. Sigh. Thank God for the other admins! They are supportive and give excellent counsel, if it wasn’t for them….and for you….I would have thrown up my hands a few times and did what peeder has done….flee.
And really, when it comes right down to it, Docudharma doesn’t need me, to be successful. If I ever do burn out, I will hand it over to youse guys. But I did sign up for this from my own free will, so there ya go. I am not going anywhere, but I may need to whine every once in a while!
I understand what peeder did and I understand why kos doesn’t comment much. I have stopped commenting much too. People have written me e-mails asking why I didn’t comment, rec or pony their essay. So I feel pressure, if I comment in one essay, I feel like I should comment in every essay, but then those comments would be forced. Ick. Everything I do seems to be taken as a sign of approval or disapproval, even not doing anything. People write me and threaten to leave if I do not ban someone or do this thing or that thing that is very important to them. I don’t want to and am trying not to diminish the importance of those pleas and imprecations, but after what seems like a thousand or so times spent dealing with them, I have gotten jaded, I do diminish them. To use another construction metaphor, the average person builds or remodels a house once or twice in a lifetime…to them it is a huge event and every occurrence is fraught with…something. To me, it was something I did everyday, and what appeared as a huge all-important crisis to them, was an standard phenomenon to me. Crisiseses are part of any large scale project, if you run a lot of large scale projects, crisis becomes commonplace and not a huge emotional thing.
But on a blog, every crisis is a crisis of personality. Self esteem and face and ego are on the line. It is legitimately IMPORTANT to the person who has gone to the length of writing me. While to me, it is just moire blog shit to deal with. In one way that is good, I am removed….to an extent….by sheer repitition from having as much emotional investment. That makes it a bit easier to render judgment. But it also is bad in that I am diminishing something vital to the people involved. It is that callousness that informs a lot of the moderation at Dkos. The moderators get sick of dealing with it and it is very easy to become cavalier. They have been dealing with it for a long time…and most of ‘it’ is the same few scenarios over and over. But it is always different people who have never been through the scenario, so to them it is earth shgattering, to the moderator it is “here we go again.”
At the same time, I constantly feel guilty for not contributing more, for not commenting more. But I don’t know what to do about it. I have considered going back and commenting at Dkos, where I am not The Boss, but that seems disloyal to DD, somehow, (like I said, i am too sensitive!) if I am going to comment, I feel like I should comment here, dog gone it! I have tied myself in shoulds. My perspective has changed and it feels like pressure to post here, because I should, and my inner rebel does not respond well to pressure and shoulds.
I have been wanting to write something like this, explaining why I don’t comment much anymore, for a long time, but I didn’t think I …..should. However I think doing this is better than letting the pressure get to me, like I am supposing it did to peeder. Consider this a pressure valve. Though thanks to your generosity and the few ads that come in the blog helps support my very modest needs, it IS mainly a “service,” I could make much more money if I put the time and effort in to something else. I don’t need to do this. But I believe in what we are doing, both here and in the wider blogosphere. we ARE….. we HAVE, changed things.
And now we have a new challenge, as i just said to Jay in a comment:
My three years in blogging has been a journey in trying to turn my beliefs into political positions! To state them in a way that can be related to politics, since politics is how things change (in one way) or at least the way I can help change things most “efficiently.” That worked great for defeating the repubs. I have to recalibrate now….as do we all…in light of the fact that we “won.”
In a comment in his essay, OPOL says he has been introspective lately, me too. Things are changing, dramatically. After 8 years that have seemed like an endless march through hell to a broken record playing John Phillip Sousa over and over very loudly, they are changing fast. We have to change with them, or very much preferably, ahead of them. I am changing, the blog is changing, the world is changing.
I have no intention of pulling a peeder. The other Admins and editors, especially ek and NPK, (thanks guys!) have stepped up on promoting stuff, which takes some of the 24/7 kind of pressure off. I am out in the woods getting nourished by juicy Nature energy. I made it through my 50th B’day. I went ahead and wrote this essay. I will probably post and comment over at Dkos more, both as pressure release and as a way to attract people over here. It is possible I have made it through the small existential crisis I have been in for a while. As usual (at least with me) the pressure was more internal than external, I want to do the right thing. I hope I have learned to balance the pressure a bit more, and am on my way back to having fun at blogging again. So if you made it this far, thanks for listening to me whine! (!!) The worst part of all of this was feeling like I have let you all down a bit, which sucks because you are just a GREAT group of people. Blogs are made up of the folks who contribute. Every single contribution, every comment, shapes and defines a blog, and we have a great one. We have a lot to be proud of as we head into the anniversary (Sept.. 12th) of our opening day. We have all learned a lot, had a lot of fun and made a lot of new friends. The next year should be even better, now that we have a grasp on what this blogging thing is all about, on this level. I very much look forward to the next year and I VERY much thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making Docudharma a unique and distinctive voice in the blogosphere. We literally could not have done it without you. We ARE you.
Okay, end of whine. As Joe Walsh once sang…I can’t complain but sometimes I still do. And now I have. Thanks for listening.
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Thanks for indulging me, I feel better now that I got that off my chest!
…we’re your midlife crisis :))
The exercise of power is always some weirdass shit. As you say…when you’re building a house, it’s pretty straightforward. Or creating software. Help the process, rise. Fuck it up or don’t know what you’re doing…go away. When you’re trying to help a bevy of lunatics find their individual voices…well…er…
Thanks for leading the charge to create this space. It’s still fun, and a place to have interesting conversations.
… forgive me if I don’t take this too seriously.
I witnessed your meteoric rise at Daily Kos, buhdy. I saw how you took on the PTB there to change the culture and allow the dirty hippies their say. And you succeeded in doing that. I also fought tooth and nail with you half the time and that was fun!
For all the good writers and popular personalities here at Docudharma, there’s not one person I can think of other than you who could have pulled in almost 1,500 users in one year, especially with all the struggles we’ve had from the very beginning.
That is a testament to you and no one else. You have the rare ability to combine good blog writing with a magnetic personality that draws people in and is great at community building.
I hope you can free yourself of giving a damn about the usual leadership nonsense (which you are just fine at, imo) and let your freak flag fly!
I hope this doesn’t hurt your ego, but I couldn’t care less if you comment, tip, or recommend anything from me. Nice if it happens, but I certainly don’t expect it.
Just be yourself and don’t give up blogging here. 🙂
I think you’re doing a pretty good job so far, man….
Even if it does bite once in a while being face first into the wind, somebody has to steer and look out for icebergs ahead… at least you get to see where the ship is going before anyone else does. 😉
My pootie whines constantly….so, I thought, this must be about pooties….
Oh, wait, my sister tells me it is talking. My pootie is just a “talker” and I thought she was whining!!!!
It is all in the perspective.
Gotta go, she’s asking for something and I’m hard of hearing!
I KNEW YOU DIDN’T LIKE ME!
*sob*
that can be very fulfilling, too… 🙂
that slowly building quality beats a head-on rush to mediocrity every time. The former is what I see happening at DD – if we can just hang in there with patience and maintain the quality.
And I agree with NPK above – that quality is largely due to the quality of your leadership Buhdy. So I also want to say – get over it and trust yourself. You’re doing a helluva job!!!!
The one thing you said that really bugs me is about your reluctance to comment here. No, it doesn’t bug me – it pisses me off. Not at you or anyone else. But I think that your presence in the conversations here is something that could very well take us to the next level. And, for me, we need to find a way to allow that to happen.
I’d love to chat more about that with you Buhdy or anyone else here that feels the same way.
…to find out WTF.
So much happens when a person isn’t paying attention.
then rec this comment 😉
…with us. You’re you, and you need to do what feels right to you. It’s good for me to know what’s going on though, rather than sitting here wondering if you are not feeling well.
Thanks for putting it out here. The only thing I miss is the ponies. Maybe you could just issue a pony now & then under a fake screen name, so we wouldn’t know! LOL.
You have done & do do a great job. (I will not commit the sin of poor syntax!)
…what happened to PFF?
Meanwhile, I hope you know that I only bug you buhdy because, in my own twisted idiotic way, I’m trying to help. And that if you ever feel I’m bugging you too much, you can tell me to shut the fuck up, and I will, without any resentment.
As for the rest of you bastards, well, it is nice of a bunch of hippies and commies like yourselves to put up with my free-trading small-government ass.
to pester you with constant emails about why you didn’t comment in my crappy essays . . . what a great idea! . . . of course, that would just be more work for me . . . oh, never mind . . . I’m too lazy to send emails.
If you don’t give me a pony, I just assume you’re not at your computer and are out doing something more important . . . fighting crime, perhaps, in a really hilarious super-hero costume.
Everyone else here is free to rec, comment, etc., as they please. Something ain’t right if the boss doesn’t feel the same freedom. This site is supposed to be about freedom — of speech, ideas, opinions. You should never feel you have to behave differently than the rest of us. Lead by example with an iron fist!
And if you don’t comment in my next essay, I’ll rest easy knowing another criminal plot is probably being foiled.
am busy making homemade bolognese sauce and no I did not kill the cow myself so technically it is not homemade.
Love ya boss, love ya CE’s, love ya community members.
Back to sauce.
Dude. If this blog is the only evidence of your mid-life crisis you’re doing great. I’m not gonna explain and enumerate the other, typical examples. That would be too embarrassing.
Thanks for all you do.
it’s the internet!
yell, insult, lie, or diss someone and there’s no telling how they’ll respond. don’t want it done to you? don’t do it first. i don’t know what happened here in this instance, but i cut my teeth on a free speech no bannings no deletions message board (no ratings) and that’s the first thing to learn… don’t start the fight, because there’s no telling how it will go or how it will end. anyone with any experience knows that if you start a fight or blast someone first, man/woman up immediately and apologize if you want things set right. but don’t cry if you get hit back harder than you hit. in my day that was called “don’t dish it out if ya canna take it.”
i’ve done time moderating. i wouldn’t own a blog if ya paid me.
just let it fly, Budhy. it’s just a blog. @;-)
and all that.
this is for you. i know there are a couple of thousand interpretations of this song, but its bare essence, just the simple words with no other meanings, reminds me very much of what docudharma meant to me when i wandered in here some months back… wounded and lost and had utterly given up on the blogosphere and the collective as a whole. it also happens to me one of my favorite songs.
in a year. I know this must be an intense labor for you and you might wonder if you are getting enough out of it to make it worth your while. Everybody can understand if you have to step back a bit. But it’s always fun to come here, so, just to let you know, you have a good thing here.
let the bastards get you down, and remember….
I, like others, migrated here because of you, Buhdy. Rock on. You never have to pony anything I ever write (I’m just a pinko commie, anyway), just….
How cheesy was that?
So, IMHO, you have a right to have “house rules”. You have a right to sit & visit with us, or to offer us run of the house (within the scope of the “house rules”) while you retreat to your own private quarters. Also, IMHO, you have the right to break up fights in the living room that threaten to trash the place and/or drive the other guests away. But, that’s all just my opinion 😉
BTW, thank you for providing this forum, and for all the effort it has taken to get it started and keep it going!
A preamble: I am an old fart. Been around a long time. Did all the normal things …born, little kid, teenager, HS graduate, college, military, hi-tech global company [technologist}, technical management, business management, corporate management …all that crap …retired and started own business …stayed afloat for another eight years …now, retired for real …mow grass and play golf in sunny Florida …frigging hurricanes …haven’t died yet!
Some advice: You ain’t our Momma. You are not Dad. You need not manage us …you need not referee our intramural games. You provide a platform for people to express their opinions on various subjects [I have never been sure of the theme of this site …it seems multifaceted …maybe disjointed], a forum for people to demonstrate their sometimes fictional, other times analytical, writing and debating skills …a place for people to interact [somewhat autonomously].
Your [boss] role [my opinion] should be to protect your franchise …to insure that your site remains contemporary, valid, relevant … to keep your site attractive, compelling and a place where people want to visit, contribute, debate, etc. So don’t try to be Mom or Dad, manager of the people on your site. Just manage the site …dispassionately …your mantra …protect the franchise!
So, don’t worry about the personalities …stepping on someone’s toes, etc. Just be concerned with the content. If the content don’t measure up to your standards, then speak up to the individual who fails to meet your standards …carrot and stick approach. Give them a chance, but boot them if you must. In essay/commentary, expect debate, even controversy ….some personal attacks at times …but your job should be to ensure that people understand the rules that keeps interaction within the confines of your franchise strategy and operating practices.
Your helpers: Those who have volunteered to be administrators should follow your MO …if one or more of them don’t, live up to the franchise expectations as an essayist or administrator, weed him/her/them out.
Your personal involvement: If you are writing as the boss, e.g., franchise management, promoting, building the franchise, etc, do it in a “From The Boss” format “…this is me the manager of my site format”. If, on the other hand, you are writing an essay, a comment as a contributor [just one of the boys/girls as the case may be] on the site, then you have the same privileges and responsibilities as anyone else …you, personally, speaking …not the boss …not the owner of the site.
You operate as two personalities …one is the boss …the other is Joe Contributor. Don’t let the two roles intermix. Else, you will go out of your frigging mind. I always tried to operate like this: I can chew your ass out right up to the five o’clock hour …even longer if you are an exempt employee. At 5:01 the books are closed for that role and I invite you or you invite me across the street for a round or two of those golden suds….Two-faced? No. Compartmentalization? Yes.
So cut the whining. Enjoy the ride.
Can I have a pony, buhdydharma? Please?