Now Doggone It, Let Me Explain!

(noon. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

The liberal media is just goin’ positively goofy today about the $150,000 worth of clothes the Republican National Committee bought for me.  Well, gosh, what were they supposed to do?  Those nice men at the RNC didn’t want me goin’ around naked!  And I would look pretty stupid if Tina Fey looked better than me every week.  I’m not about to be caught lookin’ stupid, that’s for gosh-darn sure.  Besides, the Democrat Party does this kinda’ stuff all the time.  Why, I heard that Barack Obama spent $542,000 to have his ears pulled away from his head for that “liberal Harvard elite” look.

But let me address this directly without the filter of the liberal media.  First, I don’t plan to keep those clothes.  I’m going to donate them to charity.  You see, like all good Christian people I like to spread the wealth arou . . . errr, ummm, I like to help those less fortunate than myself.  So I’ll be giving all those clothes to the Salvation Army, where poor folks can go in and get something nice to wear whenever they have to give a speech in front of 10,000 people.

Second, don’t let the liberal media change the subject from the important issues of this campaign!  I’m speaking now of Joe the Plumber.  God bless him and the rest of those patriotic folks in our seventeen real states!  Joe needs strong leadership — not some socialist who will raise your taxes.  If Barack Obama gets elected, he and those liberals in Congress like Reid and Pelosi are going to increase the size of government, because liberals always do.  They’ll add new government agencies, add new social programs, increase the deficit, nationalize our banks . . . all kinds of things that good Republicans would never dream of.

Third, the liberal media should mind it’s own business.  None of this would have been a problem if they wouldn’t always be pokin’ around askin’ questions about things they don’t understand.  Why should I have to deal with some reporter asking about the Constitution when it’s obvious they never even read the second amendment?  Oh sure, they like to ask about their precious FIRST amendment and about the Constitutional duties of the Vice President.  But you know what?  When Thomas Jefferson wrote the Constitution in 1776, he was a lot more concerned with the rights of those hockey moms out there than the rights of nosy reporters.  And if Barack Obama was a real man he might understand that.  But he’s more like 3/5 of a real man, which was another thing Jefferson understood pretty well.

I know it can be hard to understand the day-to-day problems of a woman running for high office.  Our wardrobes are constantly scrutinized by the liberal media for any flaw.  And it’s not just me.  Remember that guy from Arkansas who got elected President?  You know, the one right before President Bartlett?  Well, his wife is a senator now, and she likes to wear these awful pantsuits that everyone HATES!  I don’t want Chris Matthews to make fun of me the way he did to her.  Wouldn’t you rather have me send a tingle up his leg?  And if I can change the leftist mind of someone like Alec Baldwin the way I did on Saturday Night Live, aren’t we all better off?  

And if the liberal media is going to be fair, they need to look at the actions of Barack Obama too.  I was campaigning in Virginia just the other day (and I’m talkin’ about down south in the REAL Virgina, not in that shithole part up north) tryin’ to tell those nice patriotic folks the things about Barack Obama that the liberal media won’t.  For example, did you know he recently paid a million dollars to have his way with Lenin’s corpse?  No, you didn’t know that, because the liberal media won’t tell you about Obama’s socialist tendencies.  That’s what this campaign should be about, not about a few shopping trips that some nice, friendly guys at the RNC took me on.  And they’re so patient while they watch me try on all those pretty outfits.  What a great bunch of patriots!