1.9%

(noon. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

According to the website 538.com there is now a 98.1% chance that Senator Barack Obama will become the next President of the United States of America as compared to a 1.9% chance that Senator John McCain will emerge victorious in tomorrow’s national election.

To put that into perspective, there is also a 1.9% chance that, tomorrow, you will spontaneously start to secrete massive quantities of pure maple syrup from your sweat glands, allowing you retire from your job in order to finance that cozy bed-and-breakfast in the Hamptons.

Similarly, there is a 1.9% chance…

…that you’ll wake up tomorrow to realize that this life you THOUGHT you were living is actually a dream, and that DREAM… y’know, the one where you rode on the back of a flying buffalo with Geroge Harrison, Rahm Emanuel and the better looking of the Olsen Twins… THAT’S ACTUALLY REAL LIFE.

There’s a 1.9% chance the polar ice caps AREN’T melting, but instead the earth is getting larger, making those ice masses LOOK smaller. (Think of it as God fitting our planet with a pair of vertically lined pants.)

There’s a 1.9% chance that the infamous “Whitey” tape… you remember that don’t you… actually exists and that the PUMA crowd, being smarter then us by half, is waiting for the EXACT RIGHT MOMENT TO SPRING IT ON THE WORLD, which, in their deviously brilliant minds, is 11PM EST tomorrow night.

There is a 1.9% chance that if you follow that rainbow you’ll end up finding Dennis Kucinich guarding a pot of gold in his brand new, Neiman Marcus, lime-green Lederhosen.

There’s a 1.9% chance that everyone you know will suddenly start calling you Bill, unless your name is Bill, in which case they’ll start calling you Barbara-Ann, which will be fine with you because it will go so well with your new job as elephant trainer with the circus… (unless you ARE an elephant trainer, in which case you will start being a periodontist).

Hell, there’s a LOT better than 1.9% chance that your 2% milk is REALLY skim… labeling mistake at the factory… but know that at 1.9% President John McCain is still 19.1% less likely, were it legal, than another term of 20% approval rating President George W. Bush.

Or, if you had standard deck of 52 cards with one Joker, and it was randomly shuffled, and you asked McCain to pick one blindfolded, he’d have to pick the Joker to win.

Anything other than the Joker, and Obama wins.

(And, yes, Governor Palin would be the joker.)

Now, 1.9% is still infinitely greater than 0.0%, so… this job must still be finished, but tonight… have a glass of wine… or a slow-steeped cup of tea… or the BIG piece of cake (yeah, the corner piece with all that fucking icing) and ENJOY FULLY because I QUITE PROMISE YOU THAT WERE THE NUMBERS REVERSED we’d know in our hearts, as the Republicans do, that what’s done is essentially done.

Its OK to exhale now… I promise… because worrying never, ever solved a damn thing… and, this time, where tomorrow is concerned, we’re in very good hands.