(11 am. – promoted by ek hornbeck)
In a sign that they may have been a tad too obsessed with the daily squabbles on The View, The National Bureau of Economic Research made the shocking and unexpected announcement yesterday that the economy has been in recession for over a year.
The NBER followed up their “recession” revelation with the BREAKING NEWS that the really hot chick in the Crying Game was really… a dude.
In other news that you already knew…
…the NBER will reveal tomorrow that they can now report that the Detroit Tigers have officially won the 1945 world series, that the Earth has officially been determined to revolve around the sun, and that despite their realistic depiction in The Land of The Lost, the Sleestacks are, officially, fictional television characters.
Regarding the official recession, an NBER official admitted that, “though most of my friends and colleagues have lost most of their retirement money in the stock market and both of my brothers are unemployed and the only way my sister can keep her kids in school is by selling “Buck Fush” potholders over the internet, we didn’t want to make an official call on anything until one of our computers spit out a number to verify what any Irish setter already knows.
About the possibility that the NBER might, y’know, devote less time rerereconfirming observable phenomenon and more time, maybe, coming up with solutions to the current economic mess, the head of the NBCR said simply that they “wished they had the resources, but, unfortunately we are swamped in our efforts to officially determining the fall of the Roman empire and officially verifying the fact that the big zit on the end of your nose during your middle-school YMCA dance in 1985 was the prime reason that Julie Hooperson decided to do the slow dance with Carl Wentdeetle and not you.
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…in the Bush White House so the zit turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
that the earth may be a sphere, and not really as flat as “common” sense says it is.
More testing is planned, however the Bush White House has announced an executive order putting in place regulatory changes prohibiting funding for it, as part of Mr. Bush’s global “war” on de-regulation.
De-regulation manufacturing divisions of ailing defense manufacturers and
propagandamedia organizations with dropping sales nationwide hailed the decision this morning. An industry spokesman, who spokesmanned on condition of anonymity, said today, “What’s good for us is good for the country. Or else”.In other news today, Henry Paulsen’s attorney Jaime Fullasheeit denied reports that Mr. Paulsen was a Gotti crew loanshark in a previous career, while Neel Kashkari was again found floating face down this morning in the East River. For the fourth time.
on the intertubes is a picture of Daffy Duck exclaiming:
Get yours at end of season prices.