Suggestions for GOP’rs

(8 am. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

In order to not seem like I only criticize, I would like to make some helpful suggestions to those who consider themselves part of the “religious right” and/or a GOP supporter.

On God –

First of all, understand that your religious leaders aren’t the most stable people. When a “religious leader” claims that unless people give him (Oral Roberts – 1987) $8 million dollars, or, that God would “call him home”, didn’t you stop to think that it might be better if you weren’t associated as being part of that crowd that gave him $9.1 million dollars? Or how about the “religious leader” that claimed that natural disasters are caused by God to punish the gays (Pat Robertson – 2005)? That didn’t make you think that he might be a little bat-shit crazy since that means that every state on the Gulf of Mexico and east coast must be full of gay people since hurricanes hit those states every hurricane season? Even James Dobson ran from the whole “let’s de-gay Ted Haggard” debacle, another “religious leader” who took his congregation for a ride.

I get it. You are proud of your beliefs. There are many people who have beliefs, they simply don’t see the need to not only wear it on their sleeves for all to see, but, to try and cram them down another persons throat, by force of turning them into laws if they can get away with it. So, here are some helpful suggestions for you;

1) If you want everyone to know you believe in God, that is fine by me. For $2.00 you can buy a can of spray paint and stencil “I love God” on your car, just don’t expect me to fund you having your very own license plate with my tax dollars.

2) If you want to go to your church to “hear the word”, that is fine with me. But, if you feel like you have to chase people down at their workplace and homes in order to “get the word out” because nobody comes to your church don’t get your knickers in a bunch when you get told to go “Cheney yourself”. If we wanted to hear it, we’d have come to your church.

3) If kids in school wish to say a silent prayer to their God, that is fine with me. When you try to mandate that every kid be taught the Bible because they don’t come to church anymore, don’t get pissed off when someone decides to hijack your church time by forcing you to learn Economics 101. If parents wanted their kids to learn the Bible, guess what, they’d be in Sunday School.

4) I understand that you are sexually repressed and it pisses you off that there are people who aren’t as screwed up about sex as you. That is why you feel the need to dictate to everyone how they can have sex, with whom, how, and have tried repeatedly to ban the sale of sex toys. If you want to believe that a man’s… thing… is only supposed to go into the woman’s… thing… and only to make babies, that is fine with me. Kindly remove your voyeuristic, jealousy driven self from my bedroom. It’s the people who publically cry about the sex others are having that aren’t getting any at home.

On Marriage –

I understand that you believe that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. We get it. Unfortunately, you haven’t really done your homework on this one. If you have read your Bible, you know that Abraham, David, and Gideon all had several wives and/or concubines. Yes, we know, you wish to say that there are “some things” that are outdated, but, others you choose aren’t, like, homosexually being a sin. Mighty nice of you to pick and choose which things in the Bible don’t apply and which still do for us. So, here are my suggestions regarding marriage;

1) If your marriage to a person of the opposite sex is bad, so be it. Try to be a better husband. Maybe read up on some tips on ewsingles.com to spice things up rather than spend the time complaining.

2) If you wish to try and put your marriage troubles on gays being married, try this exercise; for a year, before you go to bed, check your entire house for a gay or lesbian couple which might be hiding in it and secretly sabotaging your marriage. If after a year you don’t find any gays in your house, you can pretty well bet your marriage woes are of your own making.

3) If your marriage is in the dumps due to a poor sex life, you might think about buying some of those sex toys from places similar to Orchid.Toys you keep trying to have banned. Use the internet to get them. You could also use the internet to spice up your sexual experience with websites such as NuBay Porn. But back to sex toys, the company will ship the package to you plainly wrapped so you don’t have to be seen in a sex toy store and your neighbors will never know as you campaign to get that local sex shop closed down. So go on, what are you waiting for? Order some fabulous delicia toys online today. You deserve them.

On Gays/Lesbians –

Look, we all know that men fantasize about two women having sex. For that matter, all men fantasize about being in the middle of that sandwich. There isn’t a man out there who has pornography that doesn’t include two women. What pisses you off about lesbians is that they scorn you for being a man. As for gay men, you simply go “ick!” and try not to think about it. Fine, don’t think about it. In fact, I doubt there is a gay couple out there who really cares if you go “ick!” or not, and, they surely don’t want you thinking about them. So, here are my suggestions;

1) If you are afraid that gays will turn your child into a gay one day — don’t. I have yet to have a gay man come to my house preaching the goodness of being gay. I wish I couuld say the same for those who come to my door to preach their religion since I so rudely didn’t go to their church.

2) If you think that being gay is a choice, then do please look inside yourself and decide when it was that you chose not to be gay. Did you actually try it and not like it, or, did you simply decide it wasn’t for you? The busy bodies at your church would surely like to know; nobody else cares.

3) If you find a gay man repulsive to even look at, that is fine. Unfortunately for you the women look at gay men and drool. Why? The majority of gay men stay in shape. They work out. They take care of their bodies. So, I can understand why you hate them. Gay men have all the women longing for them instead of you with your pot-belly, flabby buttocks, and man breasts. Try the gym and a diet.

On Guns –

Yes, we know that real men hunt Bambi with a bazooka. We get it. If you can’t use a bazooka to kill a deer, than suddenly, that handgun you own is the next thing you will lose. Name me the hunting lodge where they stock fully automatic weapons for hunting. Here are my suggestions;

1) While it may be mentally pleasing to be seen as the manly hunter, all dressed in camoflage, face painted up, and your body spread with deer urine so they can’t smell you, it isn’t so manly when you have to hide up a tree to bag a deer. If you wish to hunt like a man, then do it as the hunters of old did it — naked with a spear.

2) Every type of hunting has specific weapons used for it. I’ve never seen anyone hunt quail with double-A anti-aircraft guns. If you think bigger is better and if you can’t have bigger you can’t the less you have, then by all means, go try to hunt quail with an elephant gun and see how many quail you bag before your shoulder gives out. Until then, just shut the hell up about how if you can’t hunt using a bazooka, the liberals will take away all your guns. You wouldn’t hunt quail long using an elephant gun anyway and we all know it.

3) You want to keep an arsenal in your house as a “just in case”. I get it. Everyone is scared these days, what with cops kicking in the wrong door at 3 in the morning, I mean, with all the home invasions happening. But, in reality, if you are a responsible gun owner, you keep your guns locked up with trigger locks. So, at three in the morning, you are going to wake up to someone invading your home, ask them to kindly wait as you get out of bed, open your gun safe, take off the trigger locks, and arm yourself? I don’t think so as neither cops nor criminals are going to give you that time. It’s best if you just quit bitching about how you need the arsenal of automatic weapons for home defense, you’ll never get the chance to use them.

On Illegal Immigrants –

Ok, we get it. People want to come to America so they can feed their families and everyone should enter the United States in an orderly and lawful manner. There isn’t a person out there who will disagree with you. Unfortunately, the reality here is that people do come to America illegally, they are here already, and there is nothing you, nor your politician, can do to change that fact. So, here are my suggestions;

1) The next time you take that trip abroad for a vacation, be sure to learn the local language and not expect everyone there to speak English. That would be darn hypocritical of you. You want to see the pyramids, learn Arabic. You want to see the castles of Germany, learn German. You want to sample the beaches in Mexico, learn Spanish.

2) We know that you are pissed off that people who might make 2 American dollars a week in Mexico would want to come to America so they can earn $5.00 an hour for work, and, come to America illegally to do it. If you are that pissed off, then go apply for those $5/hr jobs and put them out of work. If you won’t work for less than $12/hr, then shut the hell up that somebody else will do it.

3) We get it that you think that these illegal immigrants are siphoning your tax dollars in welfare. Fortunately for you, you have never had to try and get welfare or you’d know that to qualify you have to give up your first born, a pint of blood, provide references that will confirm just how poor you are, and, have 3 different forms of identification (drivers license, voter identification card and passports accepted). Now, think of how many illegal immigrants are actually applying for a voter registration card and a passport. As for a drivers license, guess how many illegal immigrants have those? Before you start bitching about how many illegal immigrants are using welfare, try to get on welfare yourself and see what it takes.

4) Ok, so, your answer to the whole illegal immigration issue is to simply build a great big wall on the border. Great idea. It’s never been done before. In fact, there is not one nation on this earth that has a great big wall to keep people out, unless, you forget China. Unless you are going to man that wall, it keeps no one out. Unless those who man it are going to shoot and kill everyone who tries crossing the border, it will keep no one out. Turkey does that. Russia does, or did, that (not sure which now). And, few if anyone wanted into their country! That barbed wire fence that they were building on the border? Pathetic. It wouldn’t keep cattle in, much less people out. Oh, and shooting people in the United States? That’s illegal. I know, it sucks being a nation of laws doesn’t it. So, you come up with a way to get 20 million illegal residents out of the United States legally and keep the future illegal immigrants out lawfully. Nobody has managed to do it since the United States was founded.

On Abortion –

You are the “pro-life” person. You believe life begins at conception and abortion is murder. We get it. So here are my suggestions;

1) If murder, even of an unborn fetus, is bad, quit bombing abortion clinics. It’s murder, and, terrorism.

2) If a woman shouldn’t have the right to chose for herself whether to have an abortion, who should? If you believe government should be smaller and intrude less on a person’s rights, why are you explicitly wanting government to intrude on this one? My suggestion here is that anyone who thinks the government should have the right to decide a persons mating habits and the fate of an unborn child, then extend that to both sexes under the Equality clause. Men, you need to let the government decide when you get snipped. If you can’t do that, or won’t, then shut the hell up about a woman’s womb.

3) If you are so “pro-life”, why do you want a bazooka to hunt deer? Why are you calling those who wish to save the whales pussies? Or, do you simply believe that some lives are more important than others? If you won’t support life for, well, all life, why do you believe that anyone should take you seriously? My suggestion is, if you want to be “pro-life” then be it; support the “save the whales” program, support the “save the dolphin” program, support the “save the rain forest” program. In fact, I move that you support move to “save the sperm” and outlaw masturbation as well. Sperm are alive, too.

On Hypocrisy –

It’s not like the GOP isn’t stocked full of hypocrites. You have Larry “I’m not gay, I simply have a wide stance” Craig who is against homosexuality. You have David “I love prostitutes” Vitter who champions family values. You have George W. “I haven’t met an unlawful enemy combatant I wouldn’t torture” Bush who proclaims “America doesn’t torture”. You have Mark “I love young boys but I’m not a gay pedophile” Foley who had sexual communications with boys, nay, male congressional pages, under the age of 18 over the internet in violation of federal law.

I mean, come on, you voted for these people! Repeatedly! Ted Stevens was a convicted felon in Alaska and he STILL almost won that election AFTER his conviction! You surely ARE the Party of law and order! His supporters supported law and order so much, they voted for a convicted felon to represent them! Enough said on being hypocrites.

On the Rule of Law –

How can I even touch this one? Voted for a convicted felon in Ted Stevens? Supporting torture even though federal laws and international laws have made torture illegal. Supported the commutation of the sentence of Scooter Libby in outing a CIA operative, an act of treason during wartime that could have earned him the death sentence. Puh-lease. My suggestions are:

1) If lying to Congress about a blowjob is an offense that deserved 24/7 media coverage, and yet, even Republican’s wouldn’t convict Bill Clinton in the Senate, then outing a CIA operative during war should be a no-brainer. Look at hypocrisy for your suggestion here. In case you can’t figure it out, my suggestion is; don’t be a hypocrite simply because it is “your guy”. Duh.

Ok, so, this is an exercise in futility as the average GOP supporter has the IQ of a blade of grass, but hey, I am offering suggestions instead of merely criticism.