A Brief History of Conservatism: The Early Years

(8 am. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

There is disagreement between historians and biblical scholars regarding who was the first conservative.  Some biblical scholars contend that the first conservative was Cain, because spying on Abel, murdering him, lying about it, ignoring God’s subpoena to testify, and stonewalling for as long as he could while posturing as a victim of unjust accusations are the earliest exhibitions of conservative behavior recorded in the Bible.  Consequently, they believe they have a solid basis upon which to conclude that Cain was the first conservative.  They also contend that Cain’s words, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” was the first conservative talking point, the first expression of conservative economic policy, and as far as can be determined through biblical scholarship, was the first veiled assertion that anything even remotely resembling concern and empathy for another man was a sure sign of latent homosexuality.            

Although they concede that Cain certainly displayed conservative traits, many historians and political scientists dismiss the Bible as a valid historical source, and contend that the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Cheops was the first conservative.  This contention has merit, for not only was Cheops the first ancient ruler to call himself the Commander Guy . . .

(Translation: “I, Cheops the Commander Guy, am fighting the enemy over there so we don’t have to fight them here, because there’s an old saying in Luxor- I know it’s in Luxor, probably in Thebes – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”)

Cheops was also the first ancient ruler to run his economy into the ground, the first to invade other countries because Ra told him to, and the first to uphold family values by marrying his sister.  This pioneering display of conservative credentials in 2500 BC has convinced many historians and political scientists that Cheops was indeed the first conservative.

Regardless of who may have been the first conservative, conservative principles spread quickly throughout the ancient world. The writing of Project for the New Babylonian Century triggered the expansion of Babylon, until it was undermined by Babylonian liberals and became easy prey for a real conservative, the Commander Guy of the Hittites.  He was scornful of those girly men conservatives of Babylon, concluded that the Babylonian Empire collapsed because the Commander Guys of Babylon hadn’t been conservative enough, and conquered and exploited even more people than those pansy Babylonians did.    

A few hundred Friedman Units came and went, slowly as they always do, and then Sargon of Akkad, who considered himself the most conservative conservative of them all and who was naturally scornful of those phony Hittite “conservatives”, wrote Project for the New Assyrian Century, which so impressed successive Assyrian Commander Guys that they decided they needed to establish the best empire ever.  Their concerns about illegal immigration from Aramea served as a pretext to invade Aramea and they just kept going until everything between the Caspian Sea and Egypt had been liberated . . .

A few hundred Friedman Units later, the Commander Guy of Persia, who read in The Weekly Scroll that conservatism cannot fail, it can only be failed, decided he’d better show those fake conservatives of Assyria what real conservatism looked like.  The Weekly Scroll pundits didn’t have to tell him that the Assyrian Empire collapsed because the Commander Guys of Assyria hadn’t been conservative enough, that was fucking obvious, so he conquered and exploited even more people, with the grudging help of the biggest Coalition of the Willing the world had ever seen.

A Brief History of Conservatism will continue in Part II, Operation Greek Freedom, with the misadventures of Xerxes in Greece and the rise of that legendary Centrist, Alexander the Great.