A Case Study of Environmental Controls and Economic Stimulus in Texas

(9 am. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

Those nice folks there in Texas need help, America!  And I don’t mean from that awful “porkulus” bill that Mr. Socialism thinks will start stimulatin’ our economy.  Texas has a different pork problem, in that a plague of wild hogs are roamin’ over the land, tearin’ up the crops there and just makin’ a general nuisance of themselves.  Help IS on the way though, because I’m hearin’ that Texas may allow hog-huntin’ from helicopters!  Ooooohhhhh . . . I just felt a tingle go up my leg . . .  

Naturally the liberals are already whinin’ about it, like somebody just told ’em they have to go to church or something.  There is NOTHING to worry about, because the bill’s Republican sponsor, Sid Miller, assures us that:

“You’re not going to have some bubba up there going, ‘Pass me a beer and ammo’ and hunting some hogs,” the legislator said. “We certainly want to do it right.”

I’m convinced!  Everyone is perfectly safe.  Of course I may be a bit biased on the subject of aerial food providin’ in this respect, but who is more trustworthy here?  A hockey mom with on-the-ground experience in aerial huntin’, or a bunch of liberal crybabies who don’t like gunfire rainin’ down from the sky?  We need to be takin’ this problem seriously:  

And the pasture-wrecking porkers are causing trouble well beyond farms. Authorities in Texas are reporting an increase in collisions between hogs and cars, while golf courses and suburbs are increasingly finding turf uprooted by hogs.

The natural beauty of America’s suburbs and golf courses must be preserved!  And that’s what this bill is all about.  Now, you’re probably sayin’ to yourself “Huh?  Texas doesn’t ALREADY allow huntin’ wild pigs from a helicopter?”  Well, yes they do . . . sort of.  Ranchers are allowed to hire professional hunters to do it, as long as everyone has the correct permits.  But who has time for a bunch of liberal government paperwork when our golf courses are under attack?  This bill would allow regular Joe Six-Packs to hunt from helicopters too, with (the good Lord willing) hardly any paperwork and no training whatsoever.  My God, I do love this country!!!  

Not all of the details of the proposed bill have been made public.  Joe Six-Pack might be be required to pay the landowners whose airspace they’re firin’ from.  Also, I believe there will be a requirement for the hunters’ blood-alcohol level to be above the legal limit in order to participate.  That’s voluntary here in Alaska but everybody conforms pretty reliably.  Except when the beer freezes, that is.  My helicopter (OK . . . fine . . . the TAXPAYERS’ helicopter) has a place under the manifold where you can wedge a six-pack in there to thaw it out.  It doesn’t fit too well though, so it’s best to chug one right away when ya take off, and then the other five will thaw up just fine if they freeze later.

What’s that you say?  Why can’t we just let all of God’s creatures live in peace?  Well, you obviously haven’t considered the dangers of another Hogzilla rampagin’ through the South.  A variety of local reports place Hogzilla at between 6 and 23 feet long, weighing between 800 and 37,000 pounds.  Imagine a herd of ’em ravagin’ the Texas countryside!  The government has a DUTY to protect its citizens from terrorist threats, and I can’t imagine anything more terrifyin’ than that!  So we need to support this bill and the brave Texas Republicans who aren’t afraid to protect themselves.  

Don’t believe the liberal media when they claim these lawmakers are just tools of the “Big Bacon” lobby either.  This country needs bold, innovative, and fun solutions to its problems.  Imagine how fast we could fix this mortgage problem if we allowed aerial huntin’ of deadbeats!  Heck, the Wall Street bankers would probably pay for the ammo AND the beer to help thin out the problems on their balance sheets.  Also it can stimulate the economy.  It seems like all the businesses are havin’ trouble these days, havin’ to pay outrageously high taxes and dealin’ with the stress of firin’ all their workers.  But one business has already turned around and is leadin’ us out of this economic crisis — gun sales!  Florida reported a 91% increase in gun permit applications last year, compared to five years ago.  Happy days are also here again!  And so I demand that you join me in supporting this legislation, and pray to God (you know the one I’m talkin’ about) that this policy spreads like wildfire across this great country of ours.