Undisclosed Location, Iran – With a new era of global human rights being ushered in by United States of America, allies and axises of evil alike are coming on board for waterboarding. With pesky traditions like the Numerberg Principles finally filed away in a pre-9-11 world, certain countries are stretching their legs, and those of their prisoners, in the realm of what was once known as torture.
One such hatchman is Heydar Rastinpour, who is currently holding freelance journalist Roxana Saberi in a Iranian prison inspired by Bagram, a new international model opened recently by President Obama in Afghanistan.
“I remember when I brought the issue up of waterboarding this lady, because I mean, I don’t want to hang from gallows and all,” said Rastipour, soaking his towels in anticipation of the sixth enhanced interrogation of the day. “But then they pointed out the champions of human rights, none of than the USA, had basically okayed these techinques and that they were not punishable by law, I was told I could go hog wild, and even use a hog.”
“When I force Saberia into a confined boxed and fill it with ants and spiders, I know I am just upholding a new fine American tradition. Plus I am just following orders, so I got immunity from prosecution,” he added, before cranking up “Roxanne” by The Police to 11, which has been playing on endless loop at full blast to keep Ms. Saberi sleep-deprived since her arrival.