( – promoted by buhdydharma )
ATTENTION, ALL MEMBERS OF THE CORPORATE MEDIA:
Waterboarding is TORTURE.
It’s certainly not an “advanced interrogation technique” – it was used in the Spanish Inquisition.
Please don’t call it “enhanced interrogation” – the Nazis already coined that phrase.
And, “harsh interrogation”? Please – “harsh” is what that detergent you switched from was to your delicate washables.
No – please call it what it is; it’s torture, plain and simple.
Hmmm – but I see you remain unconvinced. In that case, follow me below the fold . . .
Now, I realize it’s oftentimes difficult for you in the traditional media – well, not you personally, of course, but your colleagues, I mean – to make the huge mental leap from the Islands of Unreality into the Ocean of Reality – a shortcoming you – I mean, your colleagues – have in common with right-wingers – so there’s got to be a way we can make this whole “torture” thing real to you – er, to your colleagues – and I think I know just how to do it: a new reality show called
Waterboarding with the Stars!
Here’s the pitch:
We put a dozen “C-list” celebrities together on an island in the Caribbean, or the backlot at Fox, whatever. We keep them isolated from each other and cut off from the rest of the world: they aren’t allowed to see their lawyer, agent, publicist, assistant, stylist, dog whisperer or personal trainer for as long as they’re on the island. Each week they’re all subjected to an additional “technique” spelled out in the memos from the BushCheney White House Office of Legal Counsel.
Every week, we add a new “technique.” So the first week everybody just gets sleep deprivation (you know, where their feet are shackled to the floor and their hands to the ceiling and they’re given a diaper to wear and prevented from sleeping for the entire week).
Second week – nudity. Everybody loses their clothes, period, except for the diaper and a hood. Third week – dietary manipulation; 1000 calories a day or less, and they never know when they’ll get fed or how much. Fourth week – confined space; put each of them in a dark, coffin-sized space for eight hours at a stretch. Fifth week – dousing with cold water, 41 degrees.
And remember – these are cumulative; we’re adding a new “technique” every week.
With me so far? Great! Now – here’s the hook: At the end of every week, we waterboard ’em. We make them confess. To anything – doesn’t matter what – as long as they take the blame for something: the Chicago Fire, the Chicago Cubs, the Macarena, Rick Astley, Hannah Montana, Mel Gibson, John Boehner’s tan, Carl Levin’s combover – doesn’t matter. First one confesses – off the island!
So – whaddaya think? Real enough? C’mon! This has it all over “Breaking Bonaduce”! I know, right?
But seriously, folks – destroying the videotapes of Khalid Sheik Mohammed’s waterboarding was the smartest thing Dick Cheney ever did. If America ever got a good look at what “enhanced interrogation” really looks like, the reaction would be swift and terrible – and I don’t mean that in a good way for Mr. Cheney. The idea of putting the reality of torture in front of the American Idol-viewing public is a worthwhile one – and besides, since President Bush’s Office of Legal Counsel repeatedly told us that the approved methods didn’t cause severe physical pain or suffering, nor cause prolonged mental harm, what’s not to love about the idea?
Also available in Orange