By now, there are few who don’t know that torture memo author John Yoo isn’t a paid columnist at the Philadelphia Inquirer. As Harold Jackson of the Inquirer thinks that Yoo will bring up the level of discourse, I felt we should see what it would look like if he just that…
Mr. Yoo — “I am here to answer your questions”
Awaiting Trial — “Mr. Yoo, I have been charged with robbing a person. Can you help me?”
Mr. Yoo — “AT, did you rip the money out of the hand of that person?”
Awaiting Trial — “Well, no. They gave it to me after I threatened them.”
Mr. Yoo — “You didn’t rob the person. They gave you their money upon their own volition1”
Awaiting Trial — “But, what about my threats?”
Mr. Yoo — “pffft. Threats Schmets. You didn’t kill the person, did you?”
Awaiting Trial — “Ummm… no”
Mr. Yoo — “Then see, you did nothing wrong. They gave you their money of their own volition!”
Awaiting Trial — “Are you sure?”
Mr. Yoo — “Did it happen in a dark alley?”
Awaiting Trial — “Yes, why?”
Mr. Yoo — “See, only criminals go to dark alley’s… they were obviously asking for the opportunity to voluntarily give someone their money.”
Awaiting Trial — “I don’t know… my lawyer says I should plead for a lesser sentence.”
Mr. Yoo — “OHHHH NOOOOO… I’m on the phone to Karl… and tomorrow’s headline will be:
CRIMINAL GIVES MONEY TO NEEDY
So, you see… it’s easy! You were needy, and that criminal gave you her money! Four or Five months of making this a he said/she said situation and nobody could ever convict you. For good measure, I’ll write you a memo.”
Awaiting Trial — “You’re the best, John!”