Dude! Where’s My Revolution?!

Dude, now like the cat is out of the bag and like we know everyone but ‘conservatives’ and old people just want to have fun, I think you’ll see more top-of-the-line revolutionaries come out of the closet of stonerdom and, you know, not be afraid to have our revolutionary fervor tempered by a joint or two on the way to the big protest march or strategic infrastructure demolition.

And that’s the thing about the stoner revolution – it’s completely non-violent against people. We only attack machines and unless you are out of a Phillip K. Dick novella, then you know machines don’t cry. They can make a drone look like a monarch butterfly, but it’s okay to shoot it out of the sky because beauty does not mean truth. Dig? But, people, well you can’t just go around killing people. See that’s how we’re different from them. They’re missing brain components. The love synapse is missing or something and it’s probably because they never inhaled a doobie in their life because they didn’t want to ‘lose control.’ Like, dude, that’s the whole point – haven’t you ever been to AA?

Now, some of you conservatives and old farts might think pot-heads can’t get off the couch long enough to mount a successful, humane revolution and establish domestic tranquility and peaceful oblivion. But people don’t remember Jefferson was smashed out of his mind when he wrote the Declaration. One of Washington’s wooden teeth was a tiny stash-box. Franklin was always holding a flame to a spoon. Just because I can’t remember what you just said doesn’t mean I’m not all ears. Dig? It’s like one hand clapping when the tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it. Same thing. Just because I’m stoned doesn’t mean I can’t remember why we need a revolution. Don’t get me started.

First of all we need a revolution because we haven’t had one in a long time and you can tell. Jefferson said when it stinks to high heaven, burn baby burn. And it doesn’t take lynrd skynrd to smell this one. The Weird Sisters’ cauldron in the Scottish Play smells like cotton candy compared to the rotting fish we’ve got coming out of Washington DC. Though, I do admit, if we get an honest and fair Public Option in the final health care bill, I will go back and change ‘rotting fish’ to ‘overripe fruit’.

Second of all we need a revolution because like people have changed in the last few hundred years and we know a lot more than we did a few hundred years ago and we should like chill out a little bit and reevaluate our situation and decide if we’d like to make a few changes about the way things are – like Thou Shalt Not Be A Greedy Bastard and stuff. Because, really, like it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see, it all comes down to greedy bastards in the end. Every time. No exceptions. Greedy bastards. So we need to make clear that Liberty doesn’t mean the freedom to be a greedy bastard. Stuff like that. Small adjustments can pay big dividends later.

The final reason we need a revolution now is people really need something to do. We need to get outside more and soak up the vitamin D. Sitting in front of the screen all day pouting about the State of the Planet does not get the job done. It’s time for resistance to get real and so I say first thing we do is all agree to quit our jobs and stay home for a few days except we all like get high, have sex and listen to music and remember revolutions are supposed to be fun. And then after a few days, we straggle out of our smoke-filled, after-glow hovels of humble humanity and wander down to our local town square and we start haggling over next steps. We’re bound to disagree. So much uncertainty and discord has been sewn into the fabric of society, there is bound to be a certain fear and loathing of our fellow man. But we have one unbreakable rule we all agree to as part and parcel to our revolution: the time for man’s inhumanity to man is over. Use all the words you want, but no sticks and stones.

Now we do have all those gun toting birther, hater, deather dudes out there following the false prophets of Limbaugh, Beck and other assorted nutjobs of the day waiting to sprout like weeds in a forest of twelve foot high Oregon Gold Sensimilla plants as far as the eye can see. In the whole scheme of wing-bag-nuttery, the zombie army of the Apocalypse are a bunch of Night of the Living Dead ankle-biters except for two things – they’re armed to the teeth and stupid as hell.

So we are going to have to kidnap them one by one and subject them to the torture of beer-bongs until they see the light. It’s the only way. Wise folks have been drugging the enemy’s war-pipe with ecstasy for millennia. Murder keeps us down while the goal is to rise. Dude, I feel a song coming on. Something from Dirty Dancing. Something fun, nasty and wholesome at the same time. Like sex with a librarian.

Because don’t you see? Americans are against War and for Pot. We are not a mean, cruel and heartless people. We should never mistake ourselves with our government, even if it is ‘our’ government because it’s not. We had a coup d’etat against us when the Kapitalist robber barons came to town and started using preservatives in our breakfast cereal. All of America’s problems can be traced back to kids breakfast cereal and Saturday morning TV. High doses of refined sugar and lame animation is a known cause of apathy and fool hardiness.

Americans are for fiscal responsibility and the freedom to get high. We want a fun health plan which doesn’t cost much and provides actual health care. We are against torture and for ‘special brownies’ which relax our enemies and turns them to partners toward a better future. If only our enemies could see we are not a cold, calculating empire of imperial fanatics, but a shallow and fun-loving people who have made Charlie Sheen our highest paid Television actor.  

We have been forced into wars and recessions and environmental degradations. We didn’t devalue the dollar and print money like god makes eternity – as far as the eye can see. We are nothing but slaves to the corporate borg which runs the world and makes 7 billion victims of short-sighted stupidity and morbid cruelty. And we would be mad as hell and not going to take it anymore if, you know, that first toke in the morning didn’t take the edge off and make us think, “Well, it could be worse. We could be oppressed and have no weed to smoke.” Because if they are going to give us a society of smoke and mirrors, then we have got to demand the smoke. I have tried and tried and I have never been one toke over the line and it’s my inalienable right to at least try to get there.

Now, where was I? Yeah. Revolution. Right. Okay. So. It’s right around the corner. Coming like a thief in the night. Or an asteroid you don’t see till right before it hits. And when it comes, you can count me in. No killing; lots of music; a nice, chronic buzz and hot and heavy romance which ignites under the heat of battling the drones.

And remember our rebel yell: “Mañana!”