Setting: The men’s room at the Capitol Building in Washington DC. Camera pans on Harry Reid, who is sitting on the pot, fondling the toilet paper with his right hand, with his left elbow to knee, and chin cupped in his left hand.
Reid engages in internal dialogue
Harry (voiceover): Oooooh, oh. What am I ever, ever going to do?
Reid is now tearing at the corner of a sheet of toilet paper.
Harry: (voiceover): I’m never going to get sixty for anything. Ugh! There is nothing I can do to make those people like me. What do you have to do in this life to make senators trust you???
Harry (voiceover): I just can’t please anyone. All I’m trying to do is make them happy. Ben Nelson says Charmin is the softest. He wants the softest. I order Charmin, and Boxer is all “Charmin is made from old-growth forest!” So to make Boxer stop making noise, I order Seventh Generation. Ya think that Seventh Generation would make them happy? No.
Reid pulls the roll across his lap and starts tearing the tissue at the edges with both hands.
Harry (voiceover): Hell no. First day the Seventh Generation is in, Robert Byrd has to go to the ER with sandpaper burns. (In whiny, mocking voice) “He says that nobody warned him.” I had to personally set up a compromise: unroll the Seventh-Generation and then unroll Charmin on top and then roll them both back up together so that we satisfy both constituencies. Does anyone thank me? No! I’ve got that Baucus causus that’s going to ffffff…mmmmmmm…FAUCKUS! And Cantwell says that we’re still cutting down rainforest. And Bayh still squealed that his hinder parts chafed something awful when he used the wrong side.
Reid pulls the tissue into large pieces, throwing them to the floor and stomping on them.
Harry (voiceover): The Republicans get baby seal skin. We can’t use baby seal skin. I’ll bet it’s soft. Only the blue dogs would be on board. But maybe… Maybe…
Reid now pulls the paper, twisting it until it rips to pieces, and throws it into the air.
Harry (voiceover): Wait, I’ve got it! We’ll take long strips of baby seal skin — like 200 feet long — lay down Seventh Generation on top of them, and lay down the Charmin on top of that, and then roll it up onto rollers and put that in the stalls! That way both parties can share he same commode! It satisfies everybody! Nobody chafes. Seal skin on one side, Charmin on the other. The eco-green sandpaper stuff is still in there! Harry, you’re a genius!”
Reid jumps up off the pot, and rushes out of the stall, with shreds of paper flying everywhere.
Harry (voiceover): Maybe now… Maybe now they’ll like me. We lead collaboratively.