My $11,000,000 Book: Excerpts From Chapter 1

(noon. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

(I’m so very pleased and also proud to be excerptin’ some thoughts from my runaway best-sellin’ book to be released next month.  I decided to release it before Thanksgiving so there wouldn’t be any repeat of last year’s turkey-pardoning incident that would have to be added to my book. And so I wish to premiere my book writin’ skills right here on the ol’ blogosphere at Docudharma.  You may wonder why I chose this awful blog full of liberal hippie socialist tree-huggers for a sneak peek at my new book.  It’s simple.  Who needs salvation more than Docudharma?  Sure, I could publish it at RedState where it would be received like starbursts, but that’s like shootin’ moose in a barrel. My book begins with Chapter 1, a behind-the-scenes look at my childhood and early adult years, in which a strictly non-socialist upbringing began to form the sharp political mind you now see from my Twittering.  This was a time of innocence, when the evils of Obama’s death panels were but a distant glint of the ol’ future there . . .)

Chapter One:  My Formative Years

I was born February 11, 1964 to God-fearin’ patriotic parents in Sandpoint, Idaho.  My last name back then was not Palin, but was Heath, like the delicious candy bar.  And like the Heath bar I have a smooth, good-lookin’ exterior coverin’ up a hard-as-nails interior.  But unlike the Heath bar I also have some brothers and sisters.  I don’t like talkin’ about them because it ties into the whole Troopergate scandal, so let’s just drop it, OK?  I’ve got waaaaaaaay too many other family issues to cover in later chapters.  Also these autobiographies should be about lookin’ forward and not rehashin’ the past.

When I was still a baby my family heard the call of the wild beckoning us to Alaska.  We moved to Wasilla where I spent most of my award-winnin’ childhood:

I’ll bet General Patton would be jealous of (and kinda turned on by) all those medals and ribbons, dontcha think?  Some of the awards were for shootin’ various wild animals, while others were for playin’ basketball like a barracuda.  I never quite understood the whole “Sarah Barracuda” thing, because the barracuda is a fish and would be lousy at basketball.  It can’t run, so it would be terrible during a fast break.  It can’t stand, so it would be worthless at rebounding.  Also it can’t live long out of the water in the first place!  I always wanted to be called “Sarah John Havlicek” but that nickname never caught on.  

Besides . . . could a barracuda do this?

Yeah, that’s me all right!  Turnin’ in my runner-up performance in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant.  Unfortunately that bitch Sherri McNealley was named the winner.  And it wasn’t her patriotism that got her the crown either, if you know what I mean.  The word backstage was that she could suck the tracks off a snowmachine.  I sure learned a lesson about morality that day.  Shootin’ animals, wasting natural resources, ignoring poor people, and makin’ fun of the gays and the Mexicans are all fine, but being “friendly” to beauty pageant judges is just plain wrong.  I was proud of my second-place finish, and where is Sherri McNealley today compared to me?  I haven’t seen her on a calendar yet.

After high school I decided to broaden my horizons by attendin’ Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, University of Idaho, Matanuska-Susitna College, and the University of Idaho again.  And wouldn’t ya know it — after all that learnin’ I stumbled into a journalism degree.  I was finally part of the liberal media elite!  Except that I wasn’t liberal or elite or had an actual job in the media.  But quitters never win, and winners make lemonade, so I combined my hard-earned journalism degree with my love of basketball and got a job as a sports anchor in Anchorage (hey, that’s kinda funny there — an “anchor” in “Anchorage” — clever writin’ like that has got to be worth $11,000,000):    

Wow, that’s good stuff there!  I coulda been the next Keith Olbermann, except I got through the whole sportscast without any liberal bias.  But I selflessly gave up the limelight for the man I loved.  After only a few months of sportscastin’ Todd and I eloped, and I started workin’ with him on his fishing boat.  That was way more rewarding than bein’ on TV.  Plus I got to be closer to the barracudas that had confused me earlier in life, and as I watched them bein’ hauled to their gruesome deaths on Todd’s fishing boat, I would ponder the meaning of life, learnin’ the ol’ lessons there that soon would make me a worldwide sensation.  Of course they were probably halibut or somethin’ because barracudas don’t live off the Alaskan coast.  But that didn’t change the lesson.  If somethin’ is confusing to you . . . kill it.

Whew!  That’s enough for one chapter, ain’t it?  (I gotta stretch this thing into a couple of hundred pages, ya know.)  As you can see, my early years were typical of those experienced by real Americans.  I was white and proudly remain so to this very day.  My Christian upbringing helped shape my moral values into the finely-tuned killin’ machine you see before you today.  And I achieved success the old-fashioned American way — by lookin’ good in a swimsuit.  And so I would sum up my early years thusly in the following manner:

1.  Patriotic

2.  Startin’ to look hot  

3.  Sherri McNealley is a tramp

(Be sure to stay tuned for excerpts from Chapter Two — thrilling tales of Wasilla City Council meetings from 1992!)