“You’re Alone Now”

“You’re alone now!”

That’s what a friend of mine said to me, many many years ago, when I was doing one of those back and forth style break-ups. You now, I kept taking him back. Lucy and Charlie Brown and the football.

And she was right. She was right then and she’s right again, now, in my head.

I guess it’s my turn to spill my guts in a political blog which has become my community. Oh, I’ll go talk, in detail, with my Babes Forum, they’ve known gory details for the past 5 or 6 years, and they’ll be supportive. They always are.

Here… I have to hand it to both Translator and Ministry of Truth, who have outted themselves (!) with their personal woes yet somehow managed to spare us an overload of details. (Sometimes I wonder how many of us are “walking wounded”.) I’m not so good at that, so I just censor myself altogether. It’s easier.

Because … it’s complicated.

But, then again, on another level, it’s really not. It’s about Power. Again. Money. Control.

I don’t have any.

Bob(DH) and I have been married 17 years, lived together closer to 20. Our daughter is 12.  We work things out. Usually. Maybe this will gloss over. Again.

But I am tired. I don’t think I want to do this any more. Can I resign? Well, I work, or I used to, but I gradually started giving up and slacking off b/c I got tired of the indentured servant shit. You know, the no pay thing, unless you count (he does) my “room and board” and … well … stupid details. (*and cigarettes, a huge debate on a daily basis).

He works a regular “day job” (band director in a school) AND a “second job” i.e. gigs. My “job” is basically Office Manager for his gig self employment job. In reality but not on paper. No pay. No money for me. I do not have a bank account or a credit card in my name.

Believe me, some of the details I’m editing out are… the past 5 years or so, I have argued my case into the ground. He needs to PAY me, etc. He wont budge. And a bunch of other crap.

And, trust me, I’ve analyzed it to death too. I understand the resentments and all that crap. Well, so fucking what? Grow up.

So … Im just tired.

My 1990 Honda has been “in the shop” for over a year, got a new engine overhaul, but it still ain’t right. Our mechanic is… a “friend”. whatevah. Our second old car died back in March, so in June, we finally bought a new car. One car to share then.

So. We have this “Tenant” in our garage apartment (for 7 or 8 years!!). I call him the Yard Nazi (a la Soup Nazi, h/t Seinfeld). He’s a total asshole and a freeloader who has not paid his rent in over 8 months. Original deal was “Barter” for home repair and remodeling projects, and yard work. So thats a whole ‘nother sub-plot and the source of my grief yesterday. Dumbass. Every time I try to evict him, DH undoes me.

Anyway.

I need a job.

And a car.

And some shoes. I don’t even have one decent pair of fucking shoes.

Of course, DH says, all I have to do is ask.

Well, I’m tired of asking begging. I’m tired of being forced to argue my case and justify why I am deserving of something as simple as a decent pair of shoes.

I have yet another Clinic appt tomorrow, follow up for my broken wrists (accident, August 18) which are healing well but not there yet, and no way to get there. Will have to ask beg someone to give me a ride. No hands. No car. No Resume to speak of (havent worked Real Job since 1995).

So. There it is. The short, edited, censored version of why I feel so pained and indignant over all the injustices that have been and continue to be done in my name and on my behalf by The Powers That Be.

I just want my own personal power back.

That’s all. Not asking for much, eh.

Why does this have to be so hard?