Breaking: Barack Obama is a socialist, Ronald Reagan is the Devil

Crossposted at Daily Kos

    Wall Street must LOVE Socialism, because it is doing great under our new President, who has been declared a socialist by people who think capitalism is what happens when the bank overcharges you for no reason on overdraft fees.

     So, if the wingnuts can say anything about this President and need no facts to prove so, barring any admission that Barack Obama IS a socialist, admits that he does think he is the Messiah after all or somebody finds Sean Hannity’s crystal ball that gives him supernatural powers of clairvoyance, Ronald Reagan logically MUST be the devil.

    Proof? You dare ask for Proof? Well who needs proof when you have a wild imagination and a blackboard to spell it out on, and thus I can prove that Barack Obama wants to kill all the smurfs, is, in fact a sekrit communist muslim, and Ronald Reagan is the devil.

    All below the fold.

    The charges of Commie Islam worship is obvious, because if Sean Hannity says it how can it possibly be wrong, and as we all know, Sean Hannity can read minds AND the future. If you need more proof than that you OBVIOUSLY hate America, but the little symbol on the bottom left of the screen that says Fox “NEWS” should be proof enough, because if he was just making shit up it would say “Fox OPINION and make believe 24/7 central”, right?

     And it doesn’t so there’s your proof, you godless skeptic.

     In this artists depiction of the Republican National Headquarters where Reagan’s coffin lies one can clearly see the ominous lightning in the air, and since this ALSO was aired on Fox Network airtime, it’s authenticity is impeccable. Local villagers fear the castle and will only go there in cases of dire need, and any mention of it is followed by shudders and fear, while the murmuring crowd backs away from the unlucky souls doomed to travel there and point at the dark building on the cliff where He Who Shall Not Be Named resides (Cheney moved in a few months ago.)

     Needless to say, the revelation that President Obama is a socialist and Ronald Reagan is the Devil is Good News for John McCain, who will certainly be dusting off the StraightTalkExpress for 2012! McCain/Zombie Devil Reagan 2012, baby!

     You see, in a political climate without facts accusations are just as good as proof. I don’t need to prove that Ronald Reagan is the devil or that Sarah Palin is a pod person from the Lizard People planet, I don’t need to prove that Obama is a socialist or that he has a messiah complex, I just need to say it often enough until people believe me, and that it becomes true. That’s how real journalists do it, and I need to buff up my credentials if I ever want to land that gig in the national media.

    As this artist’s rendition aired on Fox notes, Ronald Reagan may or may not be deceased, though unnamed sources have claimed that Reagan does still walk the earth in a zombie existence of living undead, and since unnamed sources count as sources and suit my purposes, I will consider that a fact and publish it anyway. Those same sources claim that trickle down economics work, WMD’s ARE in Iraq still, and Barack Obama is a socialist. The proof that trickle down Reaganomicvs work is 100% true as stated by those unnamed sources, and can be easily explained by the graphs below.

    Now, since we have all the facts covered in this analysis, I think it is safe to say that our new President is a socialist, and since Wall Street is responding well to this new socialist reign of enemy list making oppression, Wall Street loves socialism as well. When an unnamed aide to Zombie Devil Reagan was asked his thoughts, he merely lurched forwards and said lowly in a monotone voice “Braaaaaiiiiiins.” Clearly, the GOP will be a force to reckon with in 2010, as their platform of reform will include tax cuts for the rich, increased military spending, a scaling back of radical socialism and Braaaaaiiiiiins. Who said the Republican party was out of new ideas?

    As for myself, my situation has slightly improved. Being a New York City bum has a little more honor than being a bum elsewhere, and thanks to the first class social safety net left behind by 30 years of Reaganomics, I am certain to find work in any of the growing pornography, horse racing or food service industries. I even have an inside scoop forem an unnamed source down on Wall Street that says the hooker and cocaine sectors are set to surge this winter as record bonuses will be announced on Wall Street, but when I asked if that was because America subsidized those bonus I was accused of being a capitalism hating socialist. I stand guilty as accused without trial, just like Republican justice has written on a bar napkin somewhere, making it all true!

    I now must leave and look for work. I was thinking of heading over to Fox News Headquarters in New york City and throwing some shoes at the building if that is legal, or, even better, demanding an interview with Sean Hannity and making a scene on his show that will make the last YouTube hit look like a fart in the bathtub. Maybe I can get a job with Fox News, this reporting breaking made up news from unnamed sources thing doesn’t really seem that hard after all.

    Hell, if this guy can do it, anyone can.

UPDATED:!!!! Breaking: Unnamed sources are now reporting that ACORN DID steal the entire 2008 election, the Bush legacy has been called a resounding success and Soylent Green is, in fact, made of people. Further updates will expand on this breaking news throughout the day/year/election cycle . . .

    Also crossposted at The Progressive Electorate.com